"My Light Saber Could Kick Your Light Saber's Arse" 1. MP3 Player: For playing some appropriate ass-kicking punk rock music (or whatever genre is necessary) during a fight, with each song chosen to fit the pace, theme, and length of each battle. Why? Because there are few things cooler than a fight-scene with the perfect music applied to it! …Well, at least to me there isn't… 2. Power Source: This particular model would be fueled by my hatred, rage, malice, and bloodlust - or two rechargeable double A batteries, just incase I'm not feeling very pissed-off or bloodthirsty at the moment and just want to show off. 3. Three-Colored Laser: It shifts from silver, to blue, to black, depending on how my feelings during the fight are. Silver would be for righteousness, heroics, and things that are all good and nifty; blue would stand for most of the other feelings, it would take too long to go into specifics, but would include hyperactive glee and "I am sooo going to kick your ass" smugness; and black would basically be summed up with "YOU FUCKING BASTARD! I'LL KILL YOU! YOU'RE A FUCKING DEADMAN, YOU MISERABLE PIECE OF SHIT! ROT IN HELL YOU FILTHY FUCK! (*insert much more imaginative string of swearwords here, followed by battle cry*)" …Yeaaaaaaah…I think it'll mainly be blue and silver… 4. Adjustable Laser: The size of the laser will also be adjustable for the situation. For example, there's a useful little pocketknife, a kitchen knife, a fuckoff huge knife, a short sword, a long sword, a broad sword, a claymore, (etc, etc, I can't remember all the specific kinds of swords and knives there are, just use your imagination), and a "make-the-bad-guys-shit-themselves" sword. 5. Not-Quite-So-Ultimate Insult: A magical device that will emit ego-crushing insults at my enemy if I start to get tired out from fighting. If the physical exertion becomes too much for me to the point where I start getting dizzy and can't think straight enough to throw out a withering one-liner, I can always fall back on this little baby. Sure, it won't reduce my foes to and sobbing, ego-less mass of goop like the "real" thing would, but it'll sting like hell nonetheless! So…yeah! Insult Light Saber Fighting! Whoo! 6. The Warm Tingly Device: To go with the above feature, there will be a special device that will send warm, tingly nice feelings up my arm to keep the muscles from tiring out too quickly, and to prevent them from being sore and achy later. 7. Special Serums: Two darts will be inserted in each end of the bar-thingies, just incase the situation calls for me not killing my enemy. One will have ultra-strength muscle relaxants, if I need to take down an enemy without hurting them, and the other will have a nifty truth-potion, sodium penthol type liquid in it, if it's a matter of interrogation. And to remember which is which, the muscle relaxants will be red, and the truth serum will be blue, so that there're no wacky Johnny English-esque mistakes. Each dart would be controlled by a color-matching button located on the underside of the langet (I think that's the right term). These would be for non-fatal attacks only…no, really…(oh, who the hell am I kidding?! Who wouldn't like to see their foe go all floppy and weak so you can just skip all the bullshit and gut the guy? Screw fair fights! I want to have fun with what I'm doing!) 8. Customized Handle: The handle of my light saber/sword thingy will be specially carved out of the purest silver to fit my grip perfectly. It may not do anything bad to anyone else that picks it up - that's what the business end is for - but nobody else will be able to really use it properly. Plus it will have nifty intricate designs carved into the hilt that look really cool, but may or may not mean much of anything at all. It's just a vanity thing. 9. Tazer Abilities: Also for non-fatal attacks, just for shocking the living hell out of somebody. By pushing the green button on the langet (next to the two others), a hard invisible casing will cover the light saber, and it can then be used to simply hit people with like a large truncheon or baseball bat - a truncheon or baseball bat that can send 50,000 volts into someone! The area around the handle is also coated in a special, non-conductive material, so I won't get any shocks while using it. 10. Floating Camera: It's not actually part of the light saber, more like a nifty accessory on the side. It's a little camera that can shrink down to the size of a ping-pong ball to fit into the bottom to the light saber/sword's hilt, but once it's removed, it will fly above the fight, expand to the size of a football (or soccer ball, whatever), and film all of the action from a safe distance away so as not to be damaged or noticed - kind of like Cambot from MST3K - and once the fight is done, I can relax with a nice bowl of snacks and watch my own fight like a movie, or sit eagerly with my little red notebook in my lap and my pencil posed and ready for note-taking and/or jotting down juicy descriptive prose.