Light Sabre of Kickassness 

1) Blade projection unit - beams out the 4' long, UV-glowing broadsword blade which intermittently pulses with coolness every now and again.  Can act as a tool to attract ravers who will crowd around you and act as albative armour.  Also contains a double-barreled sawn-off for shooting enemies in the face. 

2) Twin grappling hooks - both fire simultaneously, meaning the Jedi can swing around to his heart's content without fear of cutting the ropes as long as he was precisely parallel to the target surface.  Sticky-out bits contain psychically attuned spirit level to ensure this. 

3) Laser guns - provide limited anti-aircraft capability. 

4) Extra pointy bits - useful for swinging into people, causing even more damage. 

5) Nitrorous Oxide trigger - activates the N02 booster inside the hilt, making the blade even sharper, for a while. 

6) Infernal demonic slave porthole - a glass hole for the tiny little demons that live inside the hilt to look out of.  They are able to summon objects from any part of earth or the netherworld and these can be given to the user as long as they can be pushed out the end.  Popular items include cigars, currency, hunting knives, really skinny grenades, asparagus and whisky.  They also help to load the shotgun. 

7) Demonic modem hookup - provides the demons with internet access. 

8) Infernal Wireless Broadband receiver/Empathic Detector/Musical Impulse Deliverer/Telepathic Uplink - not wishing to weigh down your sabre with heavy speakers, the demons offer an Empathic Theme Tune service.  The waves from this dish scan your brainwaves for the most suitable song, then download it from the internet and play it through any nearby radios, stereos and car speakers (also works with movies on televisions for added atmosphere).  If no speakers are available, enemies will sing the tune. 

9) Pin - when pulled, lightsabre explodes. 

10) Universal Control - The demons offer a remote that can control every appliance known to mankind - toasters and fridges included - and also acts as a wireless joypad for any and all console systems. 

11) Exhausts - expel smoke from the internal combustion engine that powers the blade.  Growl menacingly rather than "hum" in regular lightsabre fashion.  Can be revved somehow.  All heat energy is expended in blade, making these cool to the touch and therefore safe. 

12) Demonic symbol - pleases the tiny demons. 

13) Demonic Bio-Uplink - allows demons access to user's brain, allowing "hands free-ish" control of the more esoteric functions of the sabre (shotgun, lasers etc) and making them incredibly evil but also: 
Charming 
Smell good 
Cunning 
Precognitive 
Taller 
Immune to burning. 

14) Plastic toggle on a string - pull to start motor. 

15) Jet engine - powered by the very fires of hell.  Ignite and use blade as a projectile (Skedar Slayer-esque camera on top to control flight, remote control on watch(sold seperately)) or hold on and fly around the place.  Retracts into the hilt if neccesary. 

16) Ribbed - these pulse with UV every so often, also acting as a handy grip for combat situations.