Following on from my last article with 'arse' in the title, why it would kick arse to be The Pope, this week I continue the religious theme with an examination of how being J.C. himself, that thoroughly OK guy, would of course kick the aforementioned four-letter word. Read on, my friends, read on.
1. Healing people
It's a good thing Jesus never became a CEO. Whenever people would try to get out of work with sickness he could just touch them and they'd be fighting fit once again. How awful, eh? Getting off work is one of the few perks of being sicky. Take that away from you and what do you have left? Maybe 'the ability to make other people sick too' and 'the ability to produce phlegm at will', but on the whole being sick sucks. Sorry, I'm rambling again. Of course it would kick arse for Jesus, 'cos his company would never suffer a drop in productivity when there's a bug going round, but spare a thought for those poor, perfectly healthy labourers. Also with a healing touch you can do a kick arse E.T. impression, but let's not go into that.
Jesus was of course famous for all those lovely miracles he did, but it seems to me he only ever did them to impress people. Like that wine into water thing. Go down any Broadway magic show and you can see pretty much the same thing. I once saw some magician bloke turn a carton of orange juice into orange juice, beer, milk, coke and ginger ale. That makes him five times better than Jesus or something. If J.C. could feed the five thousand with just a few fishes and loaves he could've become an influential figure in the food industry. And that walking on water thing? He could've been really good at fly fishing. But no, again, he only did it to impress people. He should have at least used it to save drowning children or something. Then he could have starred in Baywatch and given millions of Catholics up and down the world an excuse to look at chicks in bikinis.
3. Being a spiritual leader
People followed Jesus, I think because they wanted to have sex with him. Ho yes, they so wanted some of that holy jiggy-jiggy! (cough) sorry. But yes, a lot of people followed him. He could have fronted a revolution if he wanted to, but no, he was too busy preaching messages of non-violence. I reckon Jesus could have done with an advisor (I was thinking of me actually) to help him refine his sermons. 'Cos he never really thought them through. Like that 'the meek shall inherit the earth' thing. What the hell are the meek going to do with it?
of the world, you must pay me tax."
He should have said 'the heirs to the current world leaders shall inherit the earth'. Might not be as uplifting or nice, but at least it makes more sense. And then, after I'm finished advising him, I'd arrange for him to be assassinated, then spearhead the revolution myself. I'd eventually find myself sitting on the top of the pile, head of the world's biggest religion. I'd look down at all my followers, then at the blood of Jesus on my hands, and I'd laugh myself sick.
4. Being in heaven
Did you ever wonder what's taking the Christmeister so long to get his holy arse back down here for a bit of second-coming shuffle? He's too busy being in heaven! Heaven rules. All the nice things go down in heaven, like that 'eternal peace' thing. And down here, what've we got to compete with it? War, disease, famine, and Starbucks. Can you really blame him? As a great man once said (might have been John Milton), "better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven". Well, Jesus has the best of both worlds! He's livin' la vida loca 24/7 with all the Jesusettes up in the big nightclub in the sky! And all he had to do to get it was get nailed to a piece of wood for a bit. Sounds like a good deal to me!
WHY IT WOULDN'T KICK ARSE TO BE JESUS CHRIST
1. Being crucified
Yeah, obviously. Can't get to the livin' la vida loca bit until you get the whole crucifixion thing out of the way. And I don't know whether you know this, but crucifixion is a real pain in the arse. You know when you go to the doctor for an injection? Well, imagine if the doctor in question was a trained chimpanzee and used a nine-inch nail and a steak mallet instead of a little needle. That's just one tiny part of the whole crucifixion experience! It's like the previous evolutionary stage of acupuncture. On the other hand, let's face it, it's not a tiny bit as nasty as some of the stuff the Spanish Inquisition got up to in the name of the Christ man. Shame on you, Jesus, moaning about a couple of little nails when some chap a few hundred years down the line is getting much bigger, red hot ones in the scrotum.
material not otherwise credited by Ben 'Yahtzee' Croshaw