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19/4/06: Duly Noted

I found my old notes file today. A holdover from the time when I used to update every day, a state of mind that seems so remote to me now it might as well be a period in ancient Persian mythology.

I seemed to have a lot of ideas back then, because there is a goodly list of unwritten updates in this notes file, enough to last some time, assuming I can figure out what each idea is supposed to mean. Most of them I vaguely remember the idea attached, but some of them... christ, it must have been really early in the morning or really late at night, because I can't for the life of me imagine what state of mind I was in when I wrote them down, except that it would probably take a fairly decent armful of prescription medicine to be in it again. Here's a list of the choicest chunks.

"Impossibility of becoming aroused while urinating"

"Dinosaurs in society"

"Stupid Pokemon voice synthesizer"

"Something about Jack being a good name for a hero"

"Charity freebies rated (panda high-kicking)"

"Commonwealth games conspiracy"

"Assessment of flags"

"Lynx deodorant: Eternal life?"

"Broken biscuits conspiracy"

"Pirates are cool"

"Armpit smell"

"Most gross erotic fan fiction competition"

"Electric shocks = fat"

"The hellish nightmare world TV advertisers want us to live in"

"Currency thwarting time travel"

"That Damn Toilet"

"Antics of wasp"

"That muslim policeman bloke"

"Weekend Wombs"

"Four elements song deathmatch"


"Meat Sagwalla"

"Rips in the space time continuum look a lot like vaginas"

"Family values trump religion, apparently"

"Last lines of Star Trek episodes"

"Make Funerals Fun"

"Pond Cat"

"I'm Going To Kill Myself"

"Itch-Scratch Cycle"

"I Hate Shaving"

"Faggy Art Crap"

"Queen Cousin Woman"

"Julia Roberts' Mouth"

"What Is This Thing On My Jacket For"

"Oops, I Got The Two Kinds Of Pasties Mixed Up"

"That Album With That Track"

"America, dwelling, cocksucking"

See? Did any of those make sense? Okay, maybe that last one did, if I hold my breath for a while and beat myself with a spade. Incidentally, this was your update for the week, I hope you enjoyed it.

If you'd like to try and write a short article using one of the above ideas as a title, send them in, and I may just post the best ones somewhere so I can laugh at them. And to avoid a glut, let me clarify that you should keep them down to, ooh, let's say, 300 words, and if they're any longer I'll throw them out unread.

I'm attending Supanova, the Brisbane pop culture convention, this weekend, so if you're attending and see a tall young man with a goatee, a fedora and big white trainers, feel free to come up and say hi. I will probably mace you and run, but it'll be an interesting story to tell your friends or something.

- Yahtzee

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8/4/06: Fucking Ada

I've come up with this fantastic new internet game that can be played by bloggers, forumites and other dipshits who make up stupid names for themselves all over the world. It's called 'What Made Your Parents Horny?'

The game is based on a notion I had wherein I figured that some parts of the year would have more births because nine months earlier was the optimum shagging period, like the holiday seasons or the colder months when you have to rub yourself all over your significant other just to stave off frostbite. But then again, the high degree of colds and sniffles people would have would cause a lot of green phlegmballs to go dribbling down the naked backs of miffed partners and would almost certainly kill the mood. Whatever, I'm pretty certain there's a part of the year when people fuck more often. And then I thought, why does it matter? Let's use this science to embarass our parents instead.

The object of the game is simple. All you have to do is figure out what the date was nine months before your birth. We'll go for exactly nine months for simplicity's sake, even though your incubation period was almost certainly a little bit more or a little bit less, but if you do know the exact length of your incubation period (or IP as we used to say in the ghetto) then by all means, just subtract that from the day you were born. Once you have the approximate date of conception, go onto Wikipedia (the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom), look up the year, and discover exactly what was going on in the news at the time. Since you were conceived at this point, and because I'm a big fan of completely misusing Occam's Razor, it is natural to assume that the event in the news was what made your parents horny. We'll use a randomly-chosen person for an example, like oh say for instance me.

I was born on May 24th 1983 (birth sign Gemini, birth stone emerald, remember this date if you want to see the 7 Days A Skeptic secret ending). Precisely nine months before that was August 24th 1982. Let's look up '1982' and see what we have:

August 20 - Lebanese Civil War: A multinational force lands in Beirut to oversee the PLO withdrawal from Lebanon. French troops arrive August 21, US marines August 25

So, there you have it. My parents were inexplicably overcome with lust when they heard that the big hard helmeted warriors in the US Marine Corps were going to be inserted into the warm and moisten depths of Lebanon. I guess that's understandable. Fuck, I'm putting myself in the mood just writing this.

Let's do another one. Frog-faced screen actor Willem DaFoe was born on July 22nd, 1955. Subtract nine months and that becomes October 22nd, 1954. Look up '1954', find the nearest event to his date of conception, aaaand:

October 23 - West Germany joins NATO

What's that? We may soon be hearing the joyful laughter of people who pronounce their W's as V's in wherever the hell NATO generally congregate? Get up those stairs, Mrs. DaFoe, I'm having some disgraceful thoughts tonight!

See how easy this is? All you have to do is look up your own date of conception, post the nearest event on your personal site or favourite forum, and soon the whole world will know what irredeemable deviants your parents are! I'll leave you with a few more examples.

Mr and Mrs Professor Stephen Hawking were made horny by the German invasion of Greece and Yugoslavia

Mr and Mrs Osama bin Laden were put in the mood by the opening of the Equestrian events in the 1956 Stockholm Olympics

Mr and Mrs John Wayne received a housecall from Doctor Bonk after the sizzlingly erotic birth of John Betjeman in 1906

- Yahtzee

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30/3/06: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Someone appears to have written up my travel diary for the last month while I lay unconscious across the keyboard, so I saw no reason not to upload it straight away. Click here! Click here! You won't get to read it otherwise and won't that be a fucking tragedy! Here's a free sample in case you're not clicking there yet:

London seemed very unclean. 'Claustrophobic' was the most tactful word that came to mind, 'shithole' the least. Perhaps it was just the weather. But we did get to see the Tate Modern, and an exhibit of a thousand featureless white boxes stacked into piles.

Incidentally, my Teddy Murder high score was 88840. What was yours?

- Yahtzee

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27/3/06: Flippin' The Sign

Hey, thanks for waiting. I'm back from an agonizingly long and boring plane flight and I still haven't caught up on my sleep but rest assured htat won't stop me form fjikeollllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

- Yahtzee

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2/3/06: This Space For Rent

Tomorrow I'm going away for a few weeks. I'll still be on email so don't think you should stop donating or anything, but I won't be updating the site for a while (there's a radical development).

In the meantime, to occupy your drooling brains for the duration, I wrote a simple arcadey game in AGS called Teddy Murder. You score points by creating three-letter-words. Feel free to download it, then compete with each other on the forums for the highest score or something.

Download from here, although god knows how long it'll stay there:

I'll be back on the 25th, so expect an update around two or three years after that.

- Yahtzee

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22/2/06: Today's Special

Partly because I love you guys, but mostly because I love your money more, I spent the last few days hammering out a Special Edition of 1213, which is now available for download. All you have to do is donate me at least 5 dollars American and I'll set you up with the download link, just as it's been for the 5 and 7 Days SEs.

What features can be found in the 1213 SE, I hear you ask? Well, get a load of this:

- An all-new playable scenario exclusive to this edition!

- Author commentary throughout all three episodes!

- A couple of other little odds and sods I threw in to beef up the package!

So don't be a big freeloading twat - show your appreciation for the huge amounts of work I put into things for small profit and click here to chuck me a crust.

small update 24/2/06: Donations have been coming in fast, which is nice. Also, Riccardo Amabili did me some fanart, which was also nice. I wish there were more people like Riccardo on the internet. I put it on the 1213 page but you can click here to see it if you're hungry and impatient.

- Yahtzee

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19/2/06: Delve Thirteen

You know how, when you get over the middle part of a project (also known as the 'hump') and then start steamrolling towards the finish with gusto and glee? Yeah. That might explain how I did the entirety of 1213 episode 3 in a few short days. Roushimsx comes through once again, supplying two download links from here and here. If anyone else would like to mirror any of the files, please upload them and send me a link and I will be filled with muchos gracias.

Oh yes, and 1213 episode 3 has a secret bonus ending you can only get in a second playthrough by meeting certain criteria. I won't explain exactly what those criteria are, but the necessary information will appear at the end of your first playthrough, after your final score.

This is the last time I ever release a game episodically. I'd forgotten how much it sucks to be under an obligation to finish what you have started. But it's over with now. Time to get on with designing games I'm still interested in! Woo!

UPDATE 20/2: Much thanks to RealityBlights who provided mirrors for every single one of my games out of some kind of pure whim. All the links have been added to the appropriate pages. I'm sure Nate will be very pleased.

- Yahtzee

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13/2/06: Mirror Mirror

Fiddle-de-dee, the second episode of 1213 is ripe and ready for playing. Unfortunately I've been having trouble finding hosting for it, since hosting my game files on this website tends to induce bandwidth cost related headaches on Nate's part. So, the file is temporarily located on mytempdir, and if anyone out there can provide a mirror or two I'd be very much grateful.

Here's the file, my lovelies

Update: Roushimsx comes to my rescue once again: new mirror here

- Yahtzee

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3/2/06: An Outbreak Of Relevance

It occurs to me of late that I've been writing too much about video games and popular culture lately. Whatever happened to that roving reporter so eager to comment on current events? Well, he went on to present Country File, but enough about John Craven, what about me? When was the last time I wrote something bitingly satirical about something actually relevant?

The fact is, I've sort of cut myself off from the outside world. I stopped getting the Sunday paper when I discovered internet TV listings. I never watch televised news, not while I still own Resident Evil 4 and my set still has a functioning TV/AV button. As for the internet, the closest thing to a news site I regularly read is the Something Awful forums, so while I'll be one of the first to know when a woman gives birth to a diesel engine I am rather out of touch when it comes to world politics.

Well, obviously something needs to be done about this. So, as soon as I finish this sentence, I'm going to hop right onto, fleetingly scan the first five news stories and write something satirical about them all. Here goes!

Gunmen shut EU Gaza office over cartoons

JERUSALEM -- Palestinian gunmen Thursday shut down the European Union's office in Gaza City, demanding an apology for German, French and Norwegian newspapers reprinting cartoons featuring the prophet Mohammad, Palestinian security sources said.

Well, let's hope that the Christians don't get the same idea about cartoons depicting Jesus, because this would result in the shutting down of EVERY SINGLE WEBCOMIC ON EARTH. Seriously, Muslims, lighten the fuck up. Personally, I think Mohammed would have a sense of humour about the whole thing. It's like how celebrities in England used to gauge their fame by their appearances on Spitting Image; when people start taking the piss out of a religious figure, that's how you know they've hit the big time. Also, you might not want to antagonise Europe, because you'll need all the allies you can get when the USA finally get around to declaring war on everything that's ever been within fifty feet of a camel.

Boehner elected House majority leader

House Republicans on Thursday elected U.S. Rep. John Boehner of Ohio as majority leader.

I don't care how many extra vowels and silent H's he added to his name. This guy is called Boner. Fuehck me, there is absolutely nothing this guy can do that couldn't potentially result in a hilarious headline. "Boehner gets trapped in door". "Boehner makes appearance in children's play area". This very story misses out on a golden opportunity to use something along the lines of "Boehner rises to solid position". I have little else to add, except that the guy looks kind of like Bergerac with fake tan.

Andrea Yates released from jail

HOUSTON, Texas (AP) -- Andrea Yates left jail early Thursday for a state mental hospital where she will await her second capital murder trial for the drowning deaths of her young children.

Nope, I've got nothing. Well, if I started making jokes about drowned kids, it would lower the whole tone of the website. So I'll just say that it is always a tragedy when frustrated mothers have too much to drink and forget that their children are not dolphins.

Man, 18, sought after gun, hatchet attack at gay bar

NEW BEDFORD, Massachusetts (CNN) -- Police on Thursday are seeking a man in connection with a gun and hatchet attack at a gay bar in New Bedford, south of Boston. Three people were wounded in what authorities said they suspect were hate crimes.

Okay, I think I have an explanation for this one. This is a storyline from a sit-com episode. We have this sheltered young homosexual man who is trying to become straight in time for his parents' coming over, and after asking his wacky neighbour what vaginas are like, the embarrassed wacky neighbour just mutters something about axe wounds, and hijinks ensue. The gun is less easy to explain, but then this is the kind of person who tries to make vaginas in gay men's torsos, so his behaviour is kind of unpredictable. God, this paragraph was terrible.

Hundreds of dead pets found in woods

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- Hundreds of dead cats, dogs and other animals were found in two wooded areas of West Virginia, the state Division of Natural Resources said Thursday.

God damnit, why are so many of these stories about horrible things? I feel like such a jerk, now. Alright, alright. I've got two explanations for this. Either the aliens have brought some students over and are getting them to practise on the small stuff before they move up to cattle evisceration, or Jason Voorhees is cleaning out his basement. Ooh, no, I've got it, a bunch of Welsh people were out on a nature ramble and wanted to try some variety, but the animals failed to survive the procedure. I notice the article mentions that a lot of the animals were decapitated, so I guess they wanted to give the old neck a go too OH GOD I HATE MYSELF

- Yahtzee

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