| 19/4/06:
Duly Noted I found my old notes file today. A
holdover from the time when I used to update
every day, a state of mind that seems so remote
to me now it might as well be a period in ancient
Persian mythology.
I seemed to have
a lot of ideas back then, because there is a
goodly list of unwritten updates in this notes
file, enough to last some time, assuming I can
figure out what each idea is supposed to mean.
Most of them I vaguely remember the idea
attached, but some of them... christ, it must
have been really early in the morning or really
late at night, because I can't for the life of me
imagine what state of mind I was in when I wrote
them down, except that it would probably take a
fairly decent armful of prescription medicine to
be in it again. Here's a list of the choicest
chunks.
"Impossibility
of becoming aroused while urinating"
"Dinosaurs
in society"
"Stupid
Pokemon voice synthesizer"
"Something
about Jack being a good name for a hero"
"Charity
freebies rated (panda high-kicking)"
"Commonwealth
games conspiracy"
"Assessment
of flags"
"Lynx
deodorant: Eternal life?"
"Broken
biscuits conspiracy"
"Pirates
are cool"
"Armpit
smell"
"Most gross
erotic fan fiction competition"
"Electric
shocks = fat"
"The
hellish nightmare world TV advertisers want us to
live in"
"Currency
thwarting time travel"
"That Damn
Toilet"
"Antics of
wasp"
"That
muslim policeman bloke"
"Weekend
Wombs"
"Four
elements song deathmatch"
"'Um-errr!'"
"Meat
Sagwalla"
"Rips in
the space time continuum look a lot like
vaginas"
"Family
values trump religion, apparently"
"Last lines
of Star Trek episodes"
"Make
Funerals Fun"
"Pond
Cat"
"I'm Going
To Kill Myself"
"Itch-Scratch
Cycle"
"I Hate
Shaving"
"Faggy Art
Crap"
"Queen
Cousin Woman"
"Julia
Roberts' Mouth"
"What Is
This Thing On My Jacket For"
"Oops, I
Got The Two Kinds Of Pasties Mixed Up"
"That Album
With That Track"
"America,
dwelling, cocksucking"
See? Did any of
those make sense? Okay, maybe that last one did,
if I hold my breath for a while and beat myself
with a spade. Incidentally, this was your update
for the week, I hope you enjoyed it.
If you'd like to
try and write a short article using one of the
above ideas as a title, send them in, and I may just post the
best ones somewhere so I can laugh at them. And
to avoid a glut, let me clarify that you should
keep them down to, ooh, let's say, 300
words, and if they're any longer I'll
throw them out unread.
I'm attending
Supanova, the Brisbane pop culture convention,
this weekend, so if you're attending and see a
tall young man with a goatee, a fedora and big
white trainers, feel free to come up and say hi.
I will probably mace you and run, but it'll be an
interesting story to tell your friends or
something.
- Yahtzee
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8/4/06:
Fucking Ada
I've come up
with this fantastic new internet game that can be
played by bloggers, forumites and other dipshits
who make up stupid names for themselves all over
the world. It's called 'What Made Your
Parents Horny?'
The game is
based on a notion I had wherein I figured that
some parts of the year would have more births
because nine months earlier was the optimum
shagging period, like the holiday seasons or the
colder months when you have to rub yourself all
over your significant other just to stave off
frostbite. But then again, the high degree of
colds and sniffles people would have would cause
a lot of green phlegmballs to go dribbling down
the naked backs of miffed partners and would
almost certainly kill the mood. Whatever, I'm
pretty certain there's a part of the year when
people fuck more often. And then I thought, why
does it matter? Let's use this science to
embarass our parents instead.
The object of
the game is simple. All you have to do is figure
out what the date was nine months before your
birth. We'll go for exactly nine months for
simplicity's sake, even though your incubation
period was almost certainly a little bit more or
a little bit less, but if you do know the exact
length of your incubation period (or IP as we
used to say in the ghetto) then by all means,
just subtract that from the day you were born.
Once you have the approximate date of conception,
go onto Wikipedia (the standard repository
of all knowledge and wisdom), look up the year,
and discover exactly what was going on in the
news at the time. Since you were conceived at
this point, and because I'm a big fan of
completely misusing Occam's Razor, it is natural
to assume that the event in the news was what
made your parents horny. We'll use a
randomly-chosen person for an example, like oh
say for instance me.
I was born on
May 24th 1983 (birth sign Gemini, birth stone
emerald, remember this date if you want to see
the 7 Days A Skeptic secret ending). Precisely
nine months before that was August 24th 1982.
Let's look up '1982' and see what we have:
August 20 -
Lebanese Civil War: A multinational force lands
in Beirut to oversee the PLO withdrawal from
Lebanon. French troops arrive August 21, US
marines August 25
So, there you
have it. My parents were inexplicably overcome
with lust when they heard that the big hard
helmeted warriors in the US Marine Corps were
going to be inserted into the warm and moisten
depths of Lebanon. I guess that's understandable.
Fuck, I'm putting myself in the mood just writing
this.
Let's do another
one. Frog-faced screen actor Willem DaFoe was
born on July 22nd, 1955. Subtract nine months and
that becomes October 22nd, 1954. Look up '1954',
find the nearest event to his date of conception,
aaaand:
October 23 -
West Germany joins NATO
What's that? We
may soon be hearing the joyful laughter of people
who pronounce their W's as V's in wherever the
hell NATO generally congregate? Get up those
stairs, Mrs. DaFoe, I'm having some disgraceful
thoughts tonight!
See how easy
this is? All you have to do is look up your own
date of conception, post the nearest event on
your personal site or favourite forum, and soon
the whole world will know what irredeemable
deviants your parents are! I'll leave you with a
few more examples.
Mr and
Mrs Professor Stephen Hawking were made horny by
the German invasion of Greece and Yugoslavia
Mr and
Mrs Osama bin Laden were put in the mood by the
opening of the Equestrian events in the 1956
Stockholm Olympics
Mr and
Mrs John Wayne received a housecall from Doctor
Bonk after the sizzlingly erotic birth of John
Betjeman in 1906
- Yahtzee
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30/3/06:
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Someone appears
to have written up my travel diary for the last
month while I lay unconscious across the
keyboard, so I saw no reason not to upload it
straight away. Click here! Click here! You won't get to read it
otherwise and won't that be a fucking tragedy!
Here's a free sample in case you're not clicking
there yet:
London
seemed very unclean. 'Claustrophobic' was the
most tactful word that came to mind, 'shithole'
the least. Perhaps it was just the weather. But
we did get to see the Tate Modern, and an exhibit
of a thousand featureless white boxes stacked
into piles.
Incidentally, my
Teddy Murder high score was 88840. What was
yours?
- Yahtzee
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27/3/06:
Flippin' The Sign
Hey, thanks for
waiting. I'm back from an agonizingly long and
boring plane flight and I still haven't caught up
on my sleep but rest assured htat won't stop me
form
fjikeollllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
- Yahtzee
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2/3/06:
This Space For Rent
Tomorrow I'm
going away for a few weeks. I'll still be on
email so don't think you should stop donating or
anything, but I won't be updating the site for a
while (there's a radical development).
In the meantime,
to occupy your drooling brains for the duration,
I wrote a simple arcadey game in AGS called Teddy
Murder. You score points by creating
three-letter-words. Feel free to download it,
then compete with each other on the forums for
the highest score or something.
Download from
here, although god knows how long it'll stay
there:
http://www.mytempdir.com/486608
I'll be back on
the 25th, so expect an update around two or three
years after that.
- Yahtzee
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22/2/06:
Today's Special
Partly because I
love you guys, but mostly because I love your
money more, I spent the last few days hammering
out a Special Edition of 1213, which is now available
for download. All you have to do is donate me at least 5 dollars
American and I'll set you up with the download
link, just as it's been for the 5 and 7 Days SEs.
What features
can be found in the 1213 SE, I hear you ask?
Well, get a load of this:
- An all-new
playable scenario exclusive to this edition!
- Author
commentary throughout all three episodes!
- A couple of
other little odds and sods I threw in to beef up
the package!
So don't be a
big freeloading twat - show your appreciation for
the huge amounts of work I put into things for
small profit and click here to chuck me a crust.
small
update 24/2/06: Donations have been
coming in fast, which is nice. Also, Riccardo
Amabili did me some fanart, which was also nice.
I wish there were more people like Riccardo on
the internet. I put it on the 1213 page but you
can click here to see it if you're
hungry and impatient.
- Yahtzee
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19/2/06:
Delve Thirteen
You know how,
when you get over the middle part of a project
(also known as the 'hump') and then start
steamrolling towards the finish with gusto and
glee? Yeah. That might explain how I did the
entirety of 1213 episode 3 in a few short
days. Roushimsx comes through once again,
supplying two download links from here and here. If anyone else would
like to mirror any of the files, please upload
them and send me a link and I will be filled with
muchos gracias.
Oh yes, and 1213
episode 3 has a secret bonus ending you can only
get in a second playthrough by meeting certain
criteria. I won't explain exactly what those
criteria are, but the necessary information will
appear at the end of your first playthrough,
after your final score.
This is the last
time I ever release a game episodically. I'd
forgotten how much it sucks to be under an
obligation to finish what you have started. But
it's over with now. Time to get on with designing
games I'm still interested in! Woo!
UPDATE
20/2: Much thanks to
RealityBlights who provided mirrors for every
single one of my games out of some kind of pure
whim. All the links have been added to the
appropriate pages. I'm sure Nate will be very
pleased.
- Yahtzee
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13/2/06:
Mirror Mirror
Fiddle-de-dee,
the second episode of 1213 is ripe and ready for
playing. Unfortunately I've been having trouble
finding hosting for it, since hosting my game
files on this website tends to induce bandwidth
cost related headaches on Nate's part. So, the
file is temporarily located on mytempdir, and if
anyone out there can provide a mirror or two I'd
be very much grateful.
Here's the file, my
lovelies
Update: Roushimsx
comes to my rescue once again: new mirror here
- Yahtzee
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3/2/06:
An Outbreak Of Relevance
It occurs to me
of late that I've been writing too much about
video games and popular culture lately. Whatever
happened to that roving reporter so eager to
comment on current events? Well, he went on to
present Country File, but enough about John
Craven, what about me? When was the last time I
wrote something bitingly satirical about
something actually relevant?
The fact is,
I've sort of cut myself off from the outside
world. I stopped getting the Sunday paper when I
discovered internet TV listings. I never watch
televised news, not while I still own Resident
Evil 4 and my set still has a functioning TV/AV
button. As for the internet, the closest thing to
a news site I regularly read is the Something
Awful forums, so while I'll be one of the first
to know when a woman gives birth to a diesel
engine I am rather out of touch when it comes to
world politics.
Well, obviously
something needs to be done about this. So, as
soon as I finish this sentence, I'm going to hop
right onto CNN.com, fleetingly scan the first
five news stories and write something satirical
about them all. Here goes!
Gunmen
shut EU Gaza office over cartoons
JERUSALEM --
Palestinian gunmen Thursday shut down the
European Union's office in Gaza City, demanding
an apology for German, French and Norwegian
newspapers reprinting cartoons featuring the
prophet Mohammad, Palestinian security sources
said.
Well, let's hope
that the Christians don't get the same idea about
cartoons depicting Jesus, because this would
result in the shutting down of EVERY SINGLE
WEBCOMIC ON EARTH. Seriously, Muslims, lighten
the fuck up. Personally, I think Mohammed would
have a sense of humour about the whole thing.
It's like how celebrities in England used to
gauge their fame by their appearances on Spitting
Image; when people start taking the piss out of a
religious figure, that's how you know they've hit
the big time. Also, you might not want to
antagonise Europe, because you'll need all the
allies you can get when the USA finally get
around to declaring war on everything that's ever
been within fifty feet of a camel.
Boehner
elected House majority leader
House
Republicans on Thursday elected U.S. Rep. John
Boehner of Ohio as majority leader.
I don't care how
many extra vowels and silent H's he added to his
name. This guy is called Boner. Fuehck me, there
is absolutely nothing this guy can do that
couldn't potentially result in a hilarious
headline. "Boehner gets trapped in
door". "Boehner makes appearance in
children's play area". This very story
misses out on a golden opportunity to use
something along the lines of "Boehner rises
to solid position". I have little else to
add, except that the guy looks kind of like
Bergerac with fake tan.
Andrea
Yates released from jail
HOUSTON,
Texas (AP) -- Andrea Yates left jail early
Thursday for a state mental hospital where she
will await her second capital murder trial for
the drowning deaths of her young children.
Nope, I've got
nothing. Well, if I started making jokes about
drowned kids, it would lower the whole tone of
the website. So I'll just say that it is always a
tragedy when frustrated mothers have too much to
drink and forget that their children are not
dolphins.
Man, 18,
sought after gun, hatchet attack at gay bar
NEW BEDFORD,
Massachusetts (CNN) -- Police on Thursday are
seeking a man in connection with a gun and
hatchet attack at a gay bar in New Bedford, south
of Boston. Three people were wounded in what
authorities said they suspect were hate crimes.
Okay, I think I
have an explanation for this one. This is a
storyline from a sit-com episode. We have this
sheltered young homosexual man who is trying to
become straight in time for his parents' coming
over, and after asking his wacky neighbour what
vaginas are like, the embarrassed wacky neighbour
just mutters something about axe wounds, and
hijinks ensue. The gun is less easy to explain,
but then this is the kind of person who tries to
make vaginas in gay men's torsos, so his
behaviour is kind of unpredictable. God, this
paragraph was terrible.
Hundreds
of dead pets found in woods
WASHINGTON
(CNN) -- Hundreds of dead cats, dogs and other
animals were found in two wooded areas of West
Virginia, the state Division of Natural Resources
said Thursday.
God damnit, why
are so many of these stories about horrible
things? I feel like such a jerk, now. Alright,
alright. I've got two explanations for this.
Either the aliens have brought some students over
and are getting them to practise on the small
stuff before they move up to cattle evisceration,
or Jason Voorhees is cleaning out his basement.
Ooh, no, I've got it, a bunch of Welsh people
were out on a nature ramble and wanted to try
some variety, but the animals failed to survive
the procedure. I notice the article mentions that
a lot of the animals were decapitated, so I guess
they wanted to give the old neck a go too OH GOD
I HATE MYSELF
- Yahtzee
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