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Home of Angular Mike, Odysseus Kent, and some other stuff...

2/8/2003: Guest for the Wicked, yet again

Uploaded some more Angular Mike guest strips, and you are going to sit there and LIKE it. Don't worry, though; I'll have some more 'proper' ones next week, probably Monday. Hopefully they won't suck.*



1/8/2003: Bruise Campbell

Had some more guest strips, so I guess I'll make them the weekend update.

In the meantime, I guess this pretty much speaks for itself:

Bruce Campbell's Get Well Soon Card

31/7/2003: Multiple Orgasm

Another month is coming to an end, and it seems that once again 'orgasm' is the most popular search string used to get to this site with an incredible 300 hits. Compare this to the one that comes second place, 'hentai', with barely 100. Three hundred people this month so far have sought 'orgasm' and found irreverent nerd humour.

It occurred to me recently to wonder why so many people search for 'orgasm'. None of the possibilities make much sense. Let me go through all the hypotheses and explain why I think you're all freaks:

1. They're searching for pictures of people having an orgasm.

Seems the most reasonable suggestion, but an orgasm isn't something you can put in a visual form (assuming they aren't searching for pictures of the male orgasm, but let's face it, THEY AREN'T. If they were, they'd no doubt have incorporated the word 'spunk'). A picture of a woman having an orgasm might as well be a picture of a woman eating an invisible Mars bar, or calling to a friend she just saw across the room, or suddenly realising she left the oven on at home. Not that I spend much time analysing pictures of women having orgasms. Actually, that's a lie. I DO spend a lot of time analysing pictures of women having orgasms. I watch Channel 5.*

2. They're searching for a sound file of someone having an orgasm.

Maybe orgasms are better illustrated in sound than in image, but it still sounds pretty unlikely that all these people are looking for mp3s. Isn't KaZaA a better source? And why don't you just search for "when harry met sally samples"? Well, for the benefit of all you dangerous lunatics, I made a sound file of an orgasm. Click here to play! (mp3 format, 134k)

3. They're searching for erotic fiction incorporating the word 'orgasm'.

People searching for erotic fiction which incorporates orgasms might as well be searching for a McDonalds Extra Value Meal that incorporates cholesterol. Everyone always orgasms in erotic fiction, every single time, often simultaneously. They also have clitorises the size of golf balls and penises that cause a hazard to low-flying aircraft. Searching for the word 'orgasm', however, isn't going to help, as they never call it an orgasm in such fiction. It's always described over about two paragraphs with words like "surge" or "burst" or "cum".

3. They're searching for a description of an orgasm.

When I was a kid, there was an advert on television which started with a bloke saying "What are you doing, sitting there?". I found this oddly offensive, so whenever I saw it come on I'd leap to my feet and gloatingly announce that I was not sitting, and he must be mistaken. Then I would smile to myself, having outwitted the television. On reflection this was probably the saddest bastard thing to do in the whole wide world, but now I've found something sadder: having to use the internet to find out what an orgasm is like. You don't need the fucking internet, laddy; you need your hand, and a tissue, or maybe a large inflatable device if you're really hardcore. Better yet, get hold of a real woman. They're about fifty quid from most street corners. Twenty if you don't mind scabs. Do you hear that? That's the sound of my girlfriend preparing to kick my chauvinistic arse. I must fly! Whoosh!

* Actually, this joke is a bit dated, as Channel 5 seems to have stopped showing 'erotic thrillers' in favour of programmes like 'Top 10 Castles' and 'Greatest British Sculptures', and if that's not overcompensating I don't know what is. I would write a letter of complaint, but I might as well write the words 'I AM A FREAK' across a piece of A4 paper in black permanent marker and send that.

30/7/2003: Strange Days

I hope you'll excuse the datedness of this update, but did you see that paranormal BBC series, Strange? It finished a few weeks back. A refreshing change of pace from all the soaps, hospital dramas, reality and makeover shows the BBC has been churning out lately, I thought. This was something that should have been very difficult to bugger up. Kudos to the BBC then, 'cos bugger it up they did.

It's a well-known fact that no-one ever innovates in the entertainment industry. Filmmakers and TV execs only ever commission clones of formulas that have worked before. Exactly how new and interesting stuff comes about at all, then, is something of a mystery. Presumably it has something to do with marsh gas and group hysteria. In the case of Strange, the BBC were wistfully watching shows like Buffy the Vampire Slayer doing so well and thought to themselves "Fuck, we're British, we invented this sort of thing. Gonna get us some o' dat!"

Strange had special effects that would probably have blown the socks off someone who'd spent the last thirty years locked in a room watching endless Dr. Who episodes, but by today's standards, there was absolutely no doubt at all of what was computer generated. You'd think computer generated material would be cheap, since it doesn't actually have physical form, right? Apparently not. Apparently CG artists are the biggest fuckers in the world who really think their services are worth a hundred million smackers. Leaving that aside, the series had dodgy dialogue, really dodgy storylines, and conclusions so dodgy that they break the theoretical dodginess barrier.

Look eento my eyes.
Don't look now, mister, but I think your hair is trying to escape.

Now, if Strange hadn't for the most part been played straight, it could well have been a praiseworthy endeavour. The thing about Buffy, as much as I loathe that series, is that it had a tongue in cheek. Not Strange! Strange so wanted to be taken seriously, but it was not to be. Two of the main actors used to be in sitcoms, for crying out loud. So many things about it we can take the piss out of, they should have done it first and earned my respect. Here's how they should have handled the dialogue:


HERO: Hello, my name is Strange. John Strange.
HEROINE: That's a fucking stupid name.


HEROINE: I did all that research you wanted me to. And I called in some contacts in the medical industry and found out exactly who sold the mysterious drug to old Mrs. Walpole!
HERO: Aren't you supposed to be at your nursing job?
HEROINE: Yes, but I got someone to cover me.
HERO: How the hell do you hang onto that job when you're always taking time off to do stuff for me?
HEROINE: Buggered if I know.


DEMON: Raar! I will eat you!
HEROINE: Oh shit!
HERO (bursting in): Aha! I figured out the identity of the demon about two minutes ago and have arrived to rescue you at the last possible second!
HEROINE: Yay! Just like last time!
DEMON: Har har har! You think you can stop me?
HERO: Yes.
DEMON: Shit, I guess you can.
(Hero kills demon)

See, if they'd made some knowing reference to any of these stupid plot points, I would have nothing but respect for them, and would now be trying to think of amusing ways to praise the series, but they put no effort into it. What did pass for 'humour' were the extraordinarily bad one-liners usually delivered right after the demon is vanquished. There was this one episode where they were investigating a phantom stagecoach that takes people to Hell, and right after they'd defeated the associated demon and sent them riding off into the Stygian pit, Mr. Hero cracked wise with the line "That's one minicab you don't want to call!" I was like, "What the hell? That's not even a joke, fucker".

I have nothing against the cast, or even the crew, of Strange. Richard Coyle is a fine actor. Samantha Janus I have no problems with. Ian Richardson, hell, he can have my first born if he just asks. I'm sure the sound and lighting crew are fine upstanding citizens who work hard to feed their smiling wives and delightful cherubic children. I'm not sure I even have animosity towards the writers and producers who were given this brief by the big BBC execs. The people I do take issue with, however, are the neverending stream of viewers who wrote in praising this irredeemable pap. I know we've been starved of original BBC output lately, Mr and Mrs Proletariat, but I want you to know that I had faith in you, and you spurned it. That is something I cannot forgive.

So, Strange, then: unforgivably bad BBC output with almost no redeeming features. Personally, I'm quite looking forward to a second series.

29/7/2003: Guest for the Wicked contd.

Typical, really, stick six guest strips one day, receive four more the next. Well, what the hell, I shoved 'em all up on the Angular Mike page so I don't have to do a proper update again. Hey! I do updates almost every day! That means I am entitled to laziness like this! Jesus, Seanbaby hasn't updated in eleventy billion years and he still gets more traffic than me. Maybe that's because he's actually funny, while I am merely fascinating like a car accident.

28/7/2003: Guest for the Wicked

'Kay then, Angular Mike guest strips, let's get this show on the road. Six strips I received, and most of them were pretty bad, but there were some good ones! Actually, that's a lie, they were all pretty bad, but what the hell? It's a bad comic strip! So I added the whole lot to the Angular Mike page. If you don't go read them you are a bad person who deserves to have ignominy and death brought down upon their household!

And keep those guest strips coming in so I can take more days off!

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All material not otherwise credited by Ben 'Yahtzee' Croshaw
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