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Recently, for want of anything better to do, I went trawling through the web servers of HM Government in search of anything interesting, incriminating, or dangerous. I had hoped to find something like instructions for tasking the Armed Forces from a remote location, or at least the cleaning & refurbishment manual for John Prescott, but alas, I was to be disappointed. I did, however, find the following:
Labour Government '02 SP1
Since the release of Labour Government '02, a number of bugs and other issues have come to the attention of the Creators. Here are listed a number of the most prominent problems addressed in the SP1 upgrade; however, this is not an exhaustive list.
Labour Government '02 will not install, or is not
successfully initialised and elected!
When using Dossier '02, and Spin is deselected, I am
presented with the error message "Your joke is both
unoriginal and unfunny."
In the event of a terrorist attack, Secretary of Defence
XP may exit with a General Protection Fault.
My copy of LG '02 reports that the Opposition could not
be found, or was considered laughable.
my Government has been stolen by the EU Commision on
Labour Government seems to behave in exactly the same way
as my previously-installed copy of Tories '92. Has there
been a conflict?
My copy of Government's opening screen has displayed Tony
Blair being sodomised by George Bush for the last 6
months! Is this some sick joke?
My copy of Government seems to use my CD drive to fire
discs at adjacent computers. Is this normal?
This week's offering is a little guide to some leaflet the physiotherapist gave me. Read, and be educated!
Also, it's been brought to my attention that there's an article in this month's PC Plus magazine concerning AGS, which mentions Odysseus Kent and me. Hooray! Spelt the name wrong, but you can't have everything I suppose. The amateur adventure game community continues to expand, the little tyke. And since I was the first to design a proper game with AGS, I will therefore take all the credit. Woo-hoo! I rock!
Yeah, Freddy Vs. Jason comes out this week. Yeah, hooray hooray, whoopee whoopee, jumpy jumpy clicky heels. As is my solemn duty as owner and operator of this site I will of course be seeing it at the first available opportunity, revelling in this new fascination of seeing two icons of horror brought together. Mm. Yes, I'm revelling the night away.
Why so melancholy, you ask? Well, it's just... my Jedi-like powers of foresight give me a bad feeling about it. It sounds like a formula that should be very difficult to cock up, but then we've heard that before. I mean, what if it turns out to be some horrible thrown-together pile of poo? More so than usual, I mean? Some cynical enterprise designed to appeal directly to fans and bleed money from them like a milking machine?
Where's the plot? Where's the struggle and adversity? You've got two blokes who can't die 'cos they're already dead. One's ethereal, the other's indestructible. What can Jason do to Freddy? Cut an arm off, he'll just grow another one. He's ethereal! Doesn't matter what the fuck you do to his physical manifestation, it won't throw him. And inversely, what can Freddy do to Jason? If he's been drowned, stabbed, axed in the head, hanged, burnt and electrocuted several times over, a few little razors aren't going to throw him, either.
This film has to be good. For the benefit of all mankind it must be good, because if it isn't good and doesn't make lots of nice money for the execs to buy new golden prostates with, we won't get to see the sequel. The sequel which, my sources tell me, is already being enthusiastically discussed around the boardroom table.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Freddy Versus Jason Versus Ash. (thanks to yprbest for the link)
(sing choirs of angels)
As soon as I heard about this, I immediately felt the back of my head to make sure there wasn't some exotic device latched onto my skull, sucking out all my ideas of what would make totally kickarse films. Do New Line Cinema read this website? Hi guys!
FvJvA wouldn't be very hard to do badly. It would be IMPOSSIBLE to do badly. They could have Freddy and Jason and Ash doing the can-can for ninety minutes and I'd still go see it. Hell, I'd finance it. It's Ash! Ash from Evil Dead! I am his bitch!
The fight may seem a bit one-sided, but that's where the drama comes in, you see. Ash may be a total badass chainsaw dude, but he's still just a man, and the other two could soak up whatever buckshot he offloaded and shit it out. Where FvJ is just pitting two villains together, FvJvA would reintroduce the forces of good. A hero we could actually get behind. And that's Ash in a nutshell; the only horror hero we ever really liked. With the others it's always "Yeah, kill those fuckhead teenagers, Jason! They suck!" For once, our loyalties may become divided.
It'd be nice to catch up with ol' Ash again. What's he been up to since Army of Darkness, waaay back in 1993? Is he still working in Housewares, or has he accepted the mantle of Defender of Humanity? He didn't have a chainsaw hand by the end of AOD, of course, but if he's got any sense he'll jam another one on. That's how we remember him, after all.
Only one problem I can see with pitting those three against each other: after a few hours of Ash and Freddy exchanging threatening one-liners, Jason may grow jealous of his associates' functional voice boxes and go sulk in the bathroom until they promise they'll shut up and start killing each other now.
So, what're we going to call it? FvJ has the secondary title of "A Nightmare on Friday the 13th". What do we do when we throw Ash in? "An Evil Dead Nightmare on Friday the 13th"? "Nightmare on Friday the 13th, With Some Evil Dead As Well"? And what about when we get some others in to join the fun, like Pinhead or Michael Myers? "Evil Dead Hellraising Nightmare on Halloween And Friday The 13th?" You can only go so far before you're taking the piss.
Brace yourself, for this will be the second update on the subject of chewing gum in the entire history of this website. Click here for the other one.
I love chewing gum. It keeps my teeth clean and my breath fresh and sexy, thus making me irresistable to women. I always have a pack on my desk in case any beautiful women pop by. The good thing about keeping gum on your desk is that, when people are going out for a coffee and ask if you want something, you can ask them to get you a new pack of gum, and these things are always so cheap that whenever you offer to pay them back for it they tell you not to worry. The amount of money your coworkers spend on you will soon mount up! My colleagues must have spent at least a pound on my chewing gum so far! They could have used that to buy a lottery ticket and become multi-millionaires! Suckers!
(INCIDENTAL FUN FACT THAT I JUST REMEMBERED: Chewing gum was originally invented to be an alternative to rubber, and if you find some used attached to the bottom of a desk, you can pop it in your mouth and realise the inventor's original vision. Remember I once made a point about mankind having a thing about trying to eat anything they don't understand? Here's a fine example of it; bloke invents alternative to rubber, doesn't quite work out, tries to eat it instead. What losers we mortals be!)
But there is more to chewing gum than just being sexy and depriving people of their money. I've noticed that the way you roll gum around in your mouth is clearly indicative of your personality! Bear with me on this!
So, I immediately got in touch with some top psychologists. I did extensive research into many really clever thick books on the subject. I went and danced nude with the enchanted cougars from Mars. Then I threw together the following table.*
*INCIDENTAL FUN QUIZ: See if you can guess which of the four sentences in the above paragraph ISN'T completely untrue! I'll give you a clue: it's the last one!
Well, if you had nice breath, you wouldn't be chewing gum, would you? Tune in next week for "what the way you apply verruca cream says about you, apart from that you have verrucas".
Don't you just hate being unemployed? I know I did, which is why I'm so glad to actually have a job now, as this makes me a better quality of person than those who don't. Now I can prance around wearing a monocle and sniffing at people who beg for change on street corners, and maybe give them a good solid thump with my cane. It's the only language they understand!
I could do that, but I won't, as that would be a villainy for which I would rightly burn forever in the fires of Hell. Instead, with the memory of unemployment still fresh in my mind, I thought I'd do my fellow spongers a favour and start some kind of series of career profiles for the benefit of those poor jobless tossheads reading this website to fill the yawning void in the sham they call a life.
So, with the premise appropriately set up, here's our first career profile:
What is a demon hunter?
A demon hunter is a gentleman or lady who is required to identify a demonic threat to humanity, confront said threat, and blow the motherfucker back to Hell. They may also be called upon to rescue imperilled children/maidens, and liaise with terrified local townsfolk. The position involves a lot of travel, and so requires a great deal of commitment.
What are the requirements?
There are no formal qualifications for demon hunting, although having a degree is always handy, as when you're fighting some hellbeast and run out of ammo you'll have something with which to deliver deadly paper cuts.
Having said that, the following would be very useful things to have under your belt:
- Ability to look good in black
- Pale complexion
- Strong stomach
- Upper-class background
- Some impressive signature weapon
- Broody nature
- Intense desire for vengeance upon demonkind due to murder of close friend or relative
- GNVQ/GCSE/City & Guilds Social Studies
I'm demon or part-demon myself; can I still be a demon hunter?
Of course! This has in the past proved to be a positive boon.
How do I get into demon hunting?
The best way to get started in demon hunting is to be born into the latest generation of an ancient family of demon slayers, like the Van Helsings or the Ramsbothams of Croydon. You can establish this by looking into your family tree or checking yourself for ominously-shaped birthmarks. If you aren't connected to one of these families, don't despair; even the really famous bloodlines have to start somewhere!
The first thing you should do is find some small village in Eastern Europe. These places are magnets for demon attack, and the townsfolk will be only too happy to let you make your debut. Just remember: if you are demon or part demon, don't be too offended if you are ostracised and shunned. Tearing their throats out would only bring you down to their level.
If you're having trouble tracking down work, there are demon hunter connections agencies in operation who will be happy to put you in touch with some suitable victimised villagers.
Where could it lead?
Promotion comes slow in the demon hunting career ladder, but once you've repeated the 'rescue frightened townsfolk' cycle enough times you may be invited to join a demon hunting group, incorporating one or two beautiful women, some wisecracking git and possibly a talking animal, usually headed by a wise old veteran demon hunter. What with the hazardous nature of the trade, you may find yourself rising in the ranks faster than you think.
Alternatively, if a family of vampires takes a liking to you, they may offer you a position in their organisation. It's a little known fact that demon hunting is one of the best entry points for a career in undeath.
What's the pay like?
After rescuing maidens, children or entire populations of towns, the pay can be very generous if you can summon the nerve to demand a bounty from the jubilant crowds. Remember, however, that small peasant towns are not known for their wealth, and your payment may often take the form of cattle, vegetables or pretty daughters. Most of your liquid income will come from the demons themselves, as everything they've been hoarding immediately becomes yours when you kill them. For this reason, you may prefer to go after the more intelligent creatures, like vampires and dragons, or you may find yourself becoming proud owner of a fortune in cattle bones and shiny things.
AND ONE MORE THING:
Vampires are experts at mesmerising and entrancing mortals. If any vampires start waving a pocketwatch in front of you, turn away immediately.
More o' them damn Angular Mike strips. They are taking over my life. They won't let me sleep. I see them when I close my eyes. Help me, somebody.
material not otherwise credited by Ben 'Yahtzee' Croshaw