Went to see the hospital physio woman last week, and much to my eternal surprise, she didn't beat the shit out of me. No, she just told me my posture was bad and gave me a leaflet. Someone beat the shit out of me on the way home and took my wallet, but I'm almost certain it was an unrelated incident.

So anyway, this leaflet gave information on a number of exercises which I am now supposed to do every day to straighten out my boomerang-like spine. And since there must be other nerds in the world who spend altogether too much time slumped slack-jawed in front of a monitor and end up having to walk around like a croquet hoop on the rare occasions they leave their crusty computer seat, I thought I'd do the world a service and scan in all the exercises. Yay me.

They didn't have names, so I made some up.

1. The Lancaster Lungbuster

After the usual stretching and warm-ups, here's the first therapeutic exercise. Lie on your back, draw your knees up, take a deep breath, then, when the audience are on the edge of their seats, let the breath out agai - hang on, this isn't an exercise! This is an instruction manual for the operation of the human lung! Pay close attention to the trousers our model is wearing in this diagram.

2. The Very Boring Rocking Horse

THEY'VE GONE! Holy shit! In just one move we're suddenly down to our pants. Our model also seems to be lying on what could either be a beach towel or a railroad track. Best get this exercise over with fast before the 9:15 from Paddington arrives! Here, you have to rock your knees left and right like an amputee trying to swat a fly. It's also good for making people feel ill on ocean liners. Pay close attention to the breasts our model has in this diagram.

3. The Crotch Assault

THEY'VE GONE! And the trousers are back! Maybe our exercising hero just had them rolled up and stuffed down his/her front. Anyway, the exercise. If you're one of the four people who paid any attention to the non-nudity scenes in the movie 'Showgirls', you may recognise this move. Basically it involves sitting in the same knees-drawn-up pose as before, but now you're ramming your crotch into the air as far as you can. If you think you look bloody stupid doing this, don't worry, you're absolutely right. Try and pretend the chick from Saved By The Bell is standing over you, her mimsy a tantalising foot away from your throbbing member. BAM! Take it, you sassy bitch!

4. The Suggestive Lobster Pinch

I'm not sure I trust the model in this picture. Partly because of that dangerous look in the eye, but mostly because she seems to have three legs. Her posture reminds me of those scenes in James Bond films when our suave hero arrives on the scene to find a bikini-clad lovely lying suggestively on a nearby lilo or beach towel or whatever. "Hello, Mr. Bond! Do come closer! I won't hurt y- NOW! KARATE KICK! HAI-YA!"

5. The Mother Nature Surprise

I'm sure we're all familiar with those hippies who somehow manage to summon the nerve to pretend to have sex with a tree. Only the truly hardcore ones, however, go onto the next stage: trying to have sex with the ground. Pound away, you filthy creature! Pound your little hippy friend into that mud-tastic ground! When you're finished, perhaps a family of shrews will use the hole you have left as a nest! Fucking the ground is, however, discouraged among hippy circles, as judging from this diagram it has a tendency to make people spontaneously grow mullet hairdoes.

6. The Corpse

Well, exercising's hard work, y'know.

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