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If you've never seen 'Logan's Run', then you suck and I hate you.
Right then. Well, we've got a date. November 2nd. Two days after Michael Myers' favourite holiday, your favourite webmaster abandons ship. Off to live in Brisbane, to forever fight the ongoing battle against sunstroke and venomous snakes.
"Why should I give a toss?" asks the collective reader. Be patient, you spiteful fuck, and ye shall know. I won't have direct access to the internet once I get there, and as such will be unable to update with any degree of regularity. There, that's me dropping the bombshell. That's your cue to look flabberghasted and cling to my trouser legs wailing and gnashing your teeth.
So, certain things will go unresolved. You probably won't see any sort of conclusion to Angular Mike, but it'll probably all just turn out to be a dream anyway.
The third episode of Age of Evil looks like it ain't happening, at least by me; if anyone has Duke Nukem Build experience feel free to make your own. It starts on a plane in mid-flight. Take it however you want from there. I'm rather surprised at myself in that I don't really care about it anymore.
This may surprise you, but BLLLOOOOOOARRRRRRRRRG!!!
This may surprise you, but I've never really had what could scientifically be described as 'a life'. I've lived in the same house in the same town for my whole damn life (twenty years and counting!). Haven't been on holiday in years. Never even been out of this town without parental or teacher supervision. Why do you think I can update all the time? Nothing better to do, really. And no, I don't have any friends. They all went to university. Cunts.
About the only thing keeping me from total lonely bastard territory is that I'm not a virgin. I have one tick on the 'non-sad' checklist: girlfriend. So I'm going to Brisbane to live with her and start anew. Travel to the other side of the world to somewhere I know nothing about and try to have another crack at this 'life' thing. Makes perfect sense to me!
I'm just saying all this so you can understand how much a leap it is for me, going to live abroad. I alternate between excitement and stomach-churning terror as the date ticks gradually over to the hour when I must cram myself into an economy seat on an Emirates airliner and spend 23 hours trying to amuse myself with small packets of peanuts. For years I've done nothing but play with puddles, and now I'm diving headfirst into an ocean of discovery.
I picture myself, you know, dressed in my trenchcoat with a cowboy hat, strolling down a crowded street to the tune of the Cher song that always makes me think of that black and white X Files episode, hands in pockets, gazing up at the buildings and smiling to myself.
Most of all, I'm looking forward to having something interesting to write about for once. Without experience all I can do right now is write about my opinions, and they're not as funny. I'll be able to give my impressions of Down Under and use hilarious words like 'bonzer'. I'll keep a little diary and post instalments irregularly.
But that's all happening in a month, so for now let's just get back to the usual routine.
Americans really suck, don't they?
"Dear Mr. Yahtzee,
It has been brought to our attention that you have published a shockingly hate-filled tirade against the noble wasp. This piece can only be described as anti-wasp propaganda, and was really badly researched as well. It is unpleasant hatemongerers like yourself who really make our job difficult here at the Committee for the Rehabilitation of Wasps in Society.
We here at the CRWS believe that there's no such thing as a bad wasp; just good wasps who have had hard lives. We take it upon ourselves to re-educate offending wasps into becoming good and profitable members of society. Why, just last year we have successfully gotten over twenty wasps into higher education, and at least one from that program is now a high-flying city solicitor.
So you see, not all wasps are antisocial, and your sweeping, offensive generalisations are entirely uneducated. We demand that you print an apology and the following corrections to your list of 'facts':
2. The CRWS donated £16,000 to the most recent Comic Relief on behalf of wasps everywhere, but previous donations have topped 20,000.
3. The wasp in the Texas Book Depository was, in fact, an employee of the building in question, who was stocktaking shortly before the arrival of Lee Harvey Oswald.
4. The connection between wasps' nests and earthquakes was found out to be false in 1986, and the chief cause of tremors has since been identified as butterflies flapping really, really hard somewhere in Djibouti.
5. There is no record of Adolf Hitler being related to a wasp. His great aunt was married to a mosquito for about six years, but the union produced no children.
6. This is a complete falsehood. You may be thinking of negroes.
7. In fact, the original text read "Thou shalt not suffer a panda to live", but St Augustus made the alteration in order to conserve the diminishing species.
8. Karl Marx does not make any mention of a wasp in connection with the communist manifesto, although he does refer to a sperm whale in the acknowledgements.
9. Although true, this could just as easily apply to anything of similar size, including a corkscrew or a green bean.
10 & 11. True, but we admit it grudgingly.
12. This is true of all animals everywhere, you big twat.
13. Gigli had one of the lowest ratings ever in Films For Wasps Weekly.
14. This is a very silly argument. Millions of people watch wasps flying into windows all over the world all the time, and hardly any of them feel the urge to then go and fly a plane into a tall building.
15. I consider it extremely offensive that you should compare wasps to such disgusting deviants as homosexuals. Why don't you ever make lists about those sick fuckers? And while we're on the subject, why doesn't anyone talk about the bee conspiracy? Those little fat bastards, stealing the honey from hard-working wasps and passing it off as their own! I hates me them bees! Damn bees! Damn all the bees to hell! I'd rather spend time with a wasp any day. I love wasps. I changed my name into a wasp name just to be closer to them. Ohhhh, wasps... angels so pure the heavens could not hold them... I... er... I've got to go to the toilet.
5 Days A Stranger v1.3 is up. Yeah, I know you already played it. Well, I added sound effects with this one, so the least you ungrateful pricks can do is download it again and listen to all the lovely sounds I painstakingly added. Also, I made two of the paintings do weird and creepy things like change over time or occasionally look a bit different.
I mean it. If I had to make a top ten of the most suckiest animals, I'd put wasps right up there at the top. Just above scorpions and whales. If I had a choice between spending a year in a room with a wasp or eating my own prostate, just hand over the salt and vinegar.
The reason for this outburst? There is a wasp's nest somewhere in the wall near my bed. There are always wasps popping out and having a buzz around, and like all flying insects they're unable to understand the concept of 'glass' even after they've hurled themselves into it five hundred times. I find myself armed with a rolled-up newspaper, alternating between frozen Tai Chi-like poses as I wait for my enemy to make his one mistake and a frenzy of ballistic blows against walls and windows, crushing his Godless little body into a little yellow and black stain.
Why do wasps exist? There is simply no reason why wasps should be around. They don't make honey like their similarly-striped brethren. They don't eat flies like spiders do. They can't do your filing or improve your television reception. If they had a sort of tag team thing going on with the bees, the bees making the honey and the wasps bottling and distributing it, then I could live with them, but no. They're pointless and a nuisance. And they get in all the jam. Why haven't we had them all exterminated? I think questions should be asked in parliament.
Here are some interesting facts about wasps:
1. Wasps can't swim.
2. Wasps never give to Comic Relief.
3. A wasp was seen in the Texas Book Depository shortly before the assassination of John F. Kennedy.
4. Wasps' nests have been identified as the cause of 60% of the world's earthquakes.
5. A cousin of Adolf Hitler's grandfather was a wasp.
6. 80% of crime in inner city areas can be directly or indirectly attributed to wasps.
7. It originally said in the Bible "Thou shalt not suffer a wasp to live" before the text came into the hands of St Augustus The Wasp in the 12th century, who also edited out passages where God says protected sex with multiple partners is perfectly acceptable.
8. The communist manifesto was ghostwritten by a wasp.
9. If a wasp got into your brain, you would probably die.
10. Sometimes, when you hit wasps very hard, sweeties come out.
11. Wasps cannot feel pain. As a consequence, they would also feel no remorse if they were to ever shoot dead an innocent suburban family.
12. Wasps eat oxygen from the atmosphere and convert it into harmful carbon dioxide.
13. Wasps really liked the film Gigli.
14. On September the 11th, the terrorists were originally planning to take the hijacked planes on pleasant sightseeing tours, but decided instead to copy the action of a wasp smacking into the windscreen.
15. Most wasps are homosexual.
Angular Mike returns triumphantly to the complete indifference of the entire Western world! Three more strips ahoy!
material not otherwise credited by Ben 'Yahtzee' Croshaw