I can't even remember the last time I did a
kickarse article, but having watched 'Logan's
Run' again last weekend, I felt I had to do one.
If you're unfamiliar with the film, it's an
unappreciated 1976 classic of science fiction
starring Michael York and Jenny Agutter. I'll
just translate that for the youth of today; It
stars the bloke who plays 'Basil Exposition' in
the Austin Powers films and some boobs.
why would living in the fictional society of
Logan's Run kick fucking arse?
lives only for pleasure," reads the little
blurb at the beginning. "The only drawback
is that you have to die at 30."
me! Think about this, people. We're constantly
told in boring women's magazines and Pepsi
adverts that the average person spends 99.9% of
their life doing stuff they hate, and only some
really small amount of time having fun. So tell
me, would you rather be bored for 80 years or
having endless fun for 30? Let's face it, your
life would have made exactly the same impact on
the world either way, bitch bitch. But imagine
being on holiday for your whole life! On holiday
in some combination shopping mall / theme park /
whore pit! Any time you feel like a good shag,
just press a button and out pops a willing
partner! The only drawback I can see with that is
that you'll only be of the heterosexual age of
consent for 14 of your thirty years, but then
again, they probably don't police that sort of
No-one over thirty
who needs a bunch of miserable old scrotes
whining about their arthritis and how much their
menopause hurts? At a stroke this society has
eliminated undue expense on the care of the
elderly and the universal embarrassment that
comes out of the male mid-life crisis. Of course,
you could argue that they'd be missing out on the
wisdom and intelligence that comes with age, but
who needs that when all you do all day is waste
time, eat and fuck? Leave the young hipsters to
their fun, oldies! Your place is at that weird
ceremony where everyone wears Jason masks and
gets randomly blown to bits. But if you really do
selfishly think that you deserve to be inflicted
on later generations, you could always make a run
You could always make a run for it
wonders why those future policeman are so
successful in killing 'runners', when they
collectively have the marksmanship of an avocado.
With a little avocado hat. At the beginning of
the film when Basil Exposition and his psycho
mate are chasing that bloke, they keep missing
and shooting the floor, before cornering the poor
sod and shooting the wall behind him about six
times before the guy dies of exasperation. Then,
of course, when you're on the run, you have to
throw in your lot with the Resistance, who will
probably threaten you with long penis-shaped
spears which spunk little puffs of smoke in your
face. Then you have to get past that robot
fuckwit... you know, perhaps death would be whole
lot less complicated. More restful, too.
Everyone has to wear the same thing
last! No more hours spent in front of the
wardrobe trying to decide whether or not to go
out in my trenchcoat! Everyone just wears the
same fruity brightly-coloured garment depending
on how old you are. Fashion arseholes would no
longer exist! Fashion shows in which empty-headed
blank-faced plastic-skinned models strut up and
down wearing bits of cellophane and fur stapled
together will be no more! And Calvin Klein!
Calvin Klein will have to eat shit pie and like
it! Any world in which shit pie passes the lips
of Calvin Klein gets a thumbs up in my book.
concept of 'family' is eradicated; all children
are raised by the state. What does this mean?
Well, it means you have to cook your own turkey
on Christmas day, but on the other hand, you
don't have to buy anyone any presents.
Jenny Agutter's tits
as I like to call them, 'Percy' and 'Horace'.
IT WOULDN'T KICK ARSE TO BE A CHARACTER IN THE
FILM 'LOGAN'S RUN'
the master computer that runs the city assigns
Basil Exposition to track down this 'sanctuary'
place where all the over-30s have been running
off to, then he comes back at the end and tells
the computer that no such place exists, whereupon
the computer crashes and the entire city explodes
violently. You know, my old C64 used to do
exactly the same thing, except it used the phrase
'Syntax Error' and DIDN'T cause any explosions
whatsoever. You'd have thought by the year 2247
that computer programmers would have been able to
faze out the 'blow up the world' error. Hey,
maybe Bill Gates was the founder of this new
society (nerd humour). Makes a change from the
blue screen of death, I suppose (more nerd
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