Ah, I can't even remember the last time I did a kickarse article, but having watched 'Logan's Run' again last weekend, I felt I had to do one. If you're unfamiliar with the film, it's an unappreciated 1976 classic of science fiction starring Michael York and Jenny Agutter. I'll just translate that for the youth of today; It stars the bloke who plays 'Basil Exposition' in the Austin Powers films and some boobs.

So, why would living in the fictional society of Logan's Run kick fucking arse?

1. Hedonistic lifestyle

"Mankind lives only for pleasure," reads the little blurb at the beginning. "The only drawback is that you have to die at 30."

Suits me! Think about this, people. We're constantly told in boring women's magazines and Pepsi adverts that the average person spends 99.9% of their life doing stuff they hate, and only some really small amount of time having fun. So tell me, would you rather be bored for 80 years or having endless fun for 30? Let's face it, your life would have made exactly the same impact on the world either way, bitch bitch. But imagine being on holiday for your whole life! On holiday in some combination shopping mall / theme park / whore pit! Any time you feel like a good shag, just press a button and out pops a willing partner! The only drawback I can see with that is that you'll only be of the heterosexual age of consent for 14 of your thirty years, but then again, they probably don't police that sort of thing much.

2. No-one over thirty

Yeah, who needs a bunch of miserable old scrotes whining about their arthritis and how much their menopause hurts? At a stroke this society has eliminated undue expense on the care of the elderly and the universal embarrassment that comes out of the male mid-life crisis. Of course, you could argue that they'd be missing out on the wisdom and intelligence that comes with age, but who needs that when all you do all day is waste time, eat and fuck? Leave the young hipsters to their fun, oldies! Your place is at that weird ceremony where everyone wears Jason masks and gets randomly blown to bits. But if you really do selfishly think that you deserve to be inflicted on later generations, you could always make a run for it.

3. You could always make a run for it

One wonders why those future policeman are so successful in killing 'runners', when they collectively have the marksmanship of an avocado. With a little avocado hat. At the beginning of the film when Basil Exposition and his psycho mate are chasing that bloke, they keep missing and shooting the floor, before cornering the poor sod and shooting the wall behind him about six times before the guy dies of exasperation. Then, of course, when you're on the run, you have to throw in your lot with the Resistance, who will probably threaten you with long penis-shaped spears which spunk little puffs of smoke in your face. Then you have to get past that robot fuckwit... you know, perhaps death would be whole lot less complicated. More restful, too.

4. Everyone has to wear the same thing

At last! No more hours spent in front of the wardrobe trying to decide whether or not to go out in my trenchcoat! Everyone just wears the same fruity brightly-coloured garment depending on how old you are. Fashion arseholes would no longer exist! Fashion shows in which empty-headed blank-faced plastic-skinned models strut up and down wearing bits of cellophane and fur stapled together will be no more! And Calvin Klein! Calvin Klein will have to eat shit pie and like it! Any world in which shit pie passes the lips of Calvin Klein gets a thumbs up in my book.

5. No families

The concept of 'family' is eradicated; all children are raised by the state. What does this mean? Well, it means you have to cook your own turkey on Christmas day, but on the other hand, you don't have to buy anyone any presents.

6. Jenny Agutter's tits

Or as I like to call them, 'Percy' and 'Horace'.


1. Dodgy programming

So, the master computer that runs the city assigns Basil Exposition to track down this 'sanctuary' place where all the over-30s have been running off to, then he comes back at the end and tells the computer that no such place exists, whereupon the computer crashes and the entire city explodes violently. You know, my old C64 used to do exactly the same thing, except it used the phrase 'Syntax Error' and DIDN'T cause any explosions whatsoever. You'd have thought by the year 2247 that computer programmers would have been able to faze out the 'blow up the world' error. Hey, maybe Bill Gates was the founder of this new society (nerd humour). Makes a change from the blue screen of death, I suppose (more nerd humour).

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