have little time for pleasantries to begin this
article, so let's get right down to brass tacks.
The other day I was flipping idly through a TV
listings magazine when I came across the
following advertisement, which worried me. I
reproduce it with the logos and small print and
stuff sheared off so as not to be advertising
stuff for free on this site.
first thing you will no doubt notice on this
advert is the Woman In Bikini Briefs, whom I have
labelled A (the woman, not the briefs). At first
glance she would seem to be merely lying on her
front and enjoying the rays of the warm tropical
sun (sun not pictured) soaking into her already
well-tanned skin. But take a closer look. If she
was in fact sunbathing, would she not be lying on
a towel? Would she be lying in a position that
seems to say 'sprawling'? Would she not have her
belongings close to hand? Yes! And unless she was
a mineral-based life-form who enjoyed eating sand
then the position of her face cannot be very
we see in the background, a Windsurfing Bloke
(labelled B). It is fogged by distance, but it is
still fairly clear that the sail is pointed away
from the sprawling woman. Is this a passer-by
enjoying his sporting holiday? Or does this look
more like a GETAWAY from a CRIME MOST FOUL?
next item I have labelled is the Enormous Black
Banana (C). Judging by the fogging it is more or
less the same distance from the woman as the
Windsurfing Bloke. Is it perhaps a cohort of
Windsurfing Bloke? A partner in crime aiding his
escape from the scene of his CRIME MOST FOUL? I
think not! See, it points towards Windsurfing
Bloke and they are still quite far apart. I say
the banana is pursuing the man! No doubt an agent
of the shadow at the top of the page (D), which
can be nothing more nor less than the face of
is more than an advert. This is a dramatic tale
of spurned love, God, and windsurfing. I feel
myself inspired to write this tale, in the style
of none other than the immortal bard.
Tragedy in One Act
A woman in bikini briefs, fond of sunbathing.
HENRY: A scoundrel, fond of windsurfing.
GOD: The Alpha and the Omega, friend of despoiled
JAKE: An enormous black banana, God's emissary.
1, SCENE 1
deserted beach. Enter ALFALFA stage left)
Ah, what wondrous bounty of light our creator
doth bestow upon us this day. Were I carved of
ice I would be naught but steam in ten seconds
flat. Were I soft fruit I would have little shelf
life in this most humid of mornings. It is
fortuitous, then, that I am neither of these
things! Nay! I am but woman, bikini-brief clad,
and today shalt I develop a tan such as no other.
Truly 'tis a fine day to be woman and without
HENRY stage right)
Hail and well met, good mother.
Hail yourself, O stranger. It is peculiar that
you would name me mother, for no babe hath passed
betwixt mine thighs.
I stand corrected. Is it not a fine day indeed on
this deserted beach?
Aye, 'tis that indeed. I was just commenting on
that very point.
Tell me, maiden, to whom did thou comment thus?
Why, no-one but myself and the fine morning air,
good windsurfer. On reflection perhaps 'twas a
rather strange thing to do.
Indeed, good lady. 'Twas my uncle Bernice who
spake that he who natter to hisself may always
have audience, but will be singled out as loony
and shunned by all who see. But pray tell me,
maiden, dost thou not fear that thy description
of me be inaccurate?
I fear not, sir. I did harken unto thee as a good
windsurfer, as I see thou art carrying thine
windsurfing apparatus behind you 'pon a piece of
You risk perhaps the possibility that I was
merely carrying this windsurfing material for
another, good maiden, but this is not the case.
However thy description of myself still lacks for
truth - I am good in no sense of the word, dear
lady. My windsurfing doth leave much to be
desired, and I am a notorious vagabond and
scoundrel about these parts. See!
I was a fool ... to trust thee, foul windsurfer.
Aye, now thy harken is accurate, maiden. Thou was
indeed fool most grievous to relax thy guard in
the presence of such a scoundrel as myself. Now I
have robbed thee of both thy life, everything
thou possess, and thy chances of getting a tan as
unto no other. I fear in fact you will soon be as
pale as the Edinburgh skies.
A curse upon thee, O knotty-pated surfer of the
wind! Thou swollen bag of droppings that has
This was indeed a fine day for a fiend such as
myself. But hark, I see a gentleman approaches,
and his eyes are filled with tears. I must evade
his capture. To me, windsurfing apparatus! To the
waves with us!
HENRY. Enter GOD stage right)
What fresh devilry is this? A fine and unclothed
lady lies dead upon the unspoiled sands of my
kingdom? What scoundrel stirs trouble in my
midsts? Ah! 'Tis that noted vagabond Henry the
Windsurfer, taking to his heels 'pon that
accursed device of his! Call upon the powers of
the heavens will I, to generate an envoy that
will not rest 'til the head of that despoiler of
maidens lies bleeding at her saintly feet. Jake!
Where art thou, Jake! I call thee!
JAKE from on high)
Blurb blurble blurb.
Speak not, friend Jake. Mastery of language is
not a talent that extends well to bananas of such
otherwise worthy stature, as neither lips nor
tongue have thee. Thy existence is but for one
purpose, friend Jake. Bring about the destruction
of that demon Henry, now fleeing the scene of his
evil as only a windsurfer can, 'cross the briny
waves. Tear his body 'twixt water and sand, and
for his maggot-ridden soul, hellfire and
damnation awaits! Away, good Jake! To your task!
What demon awakes me from my watery reverie?
Great tumultuous umbrellas of lard! 'Tis none
other than Jake, representative of overlarge soft
fruit and envoy of our Lord! O, how fortunes
change! Now 'tis most foul day, to have
displeased the mighty so much that he sees fit to
set his banana on me! O woe! How I regret ending
the life of the fair Alfalfa!
What say thou, angel of fruit? Redeemed am I, for
my heartfelt regret? Great joys tenfold are upon
me! From this day forth shalt I reject my
principles of thievery and murder, become
scoundrel no more! Embrace me, friend banana! I
Restrain thyself, Jake! Ack! 'Zounds, 'tis too
late! Thy enthusiasm to return the love of the
reborn Henry has brought about his downfall! Yea,
he hath been knocked from his windsurfing
apparatus and as I speak the waves do close upon
his handsome head. Be ashamed, clumsy Jake.
Thou art forgiven, good Jake, for I see the loss
of thy one true love is punishment enough for thy
misdeeds. Come, let us return home to enjoy fruit
salad and cream.
all, curtain falls]
updates - features - essays - reviews - comics - games - novels - about - contact - forum - links