I love my Black and White Dancing Bear Winamp Plugin.

The game itself I can take or leave, but the dancing bear rocks my world. Unlike real life dancing bears it doesn't need a red-hot plate under its feet to distract you and make you feel guilty. This is just a bear, getting on down to my MP3s and CD tracks on a little island in the middle of the ocean.

At the end of a long day of lazing around and being generally worthless, it's nice to unwind, put on a Green Day CD and watch my little bear shake his groove thang. Okay, so maybe his rhythm is a bit ragged at times. Okay, so maybe he can't dance to songs which lack a decent bass track. Okay, so maybe he looks like a bear that collided with a truck full of collagen implants. But somehow, his excitable dance moves and the constant expression of blank ecstasy on his face make up for it all.

"All we are saaaaaying ... is give peace a chaaaaance..."
Dance your way into my heart, you magnificent bear!

It makes me wonder if it could be possible (surely not!) to make a dancing thing that would be even more kickarse than the dancing bear. I applied some serious thought to it (ha) and here's what I've come up with.

1. Dancing Nude Lady

I wouldn't be surprised if you can get this somewhere (mainly because I already know that such things exist), but wherever they are, they probably aren't as kickarse as what I have in mind. My idea is to have the dancing nude lady on the left side of the screen, and the dancing bear on the right! I could watch that for days! Maybe sometimes, when I'm playing something like Bridge Over Troubled Water, they could ballroom dance together. Or maybe the bear could remove his bear costume to reveal another nude lady, while the first nude lady puts on the bear costume. Or maybe the bear could go insane with feeding frenzy and maul the nude lady to death. All in time with the music. Imagine the effect if a giblet splatted upon the screen just as a cymbal crashes.

2. Dancing Goldfish

The goldfish would only have two dance moves: Swim forward a little bit, and swim backward a little bit. It'll attempt to follow the music for about three seconds, then forget what it was doing and float still, bobbing up and down and mouthing occasionally. You have two buttons. One of them feeds the fish, and makes it remember that it's supposed to be dancing for a little while. The second button introduces an electric toaster to the fishtank. YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW, AREN'T YOU, YOU LITTLE ORANGE FUCK!

Then the bear could come and eat the fish.

3. Dancing Tin of Dogfood

This is a tin of dogfood sitting on a kitchen floor. It has over 500 dance moves. Unfortunately, they're all variations on the "sit there doing nothing" theme. In fact, in all honesty, it's just a still picture of a tin of dogfood. My idea is to add a little disclaimer saying "The tin of dogfood will only dance if you sit staring at it for an hour. If an hour passes, you obviously weren't concentrating hard enough." Then, after an hour, one of two things will happen: either a really scary picture will flash on briefly while a really loud scream is heard, or the bear will come on and eat the dogfood. Then I will burgle your house.

Whoo, I've just gone over this update and it seems to be giving off the impression that I've gone completely mad. Well, let me assure you now that I haven't. At least, I don't think so, and Boris the sock puppet agrees.

updates - features - essays - reviews - comics - games - novels - about - contact - forum - links


All material not otherwise credited by Ben 'Yahtzee' Croshaw
Copyright 2002-2004 All Rights Reserved so HANDS OFF, PIKEY