 BORED OF THE
DANCE
I
love my Black and White Dancing Bear Winamp
Plugin.
The
game itself I can take or leave, but the dancing
bear rocks my world. Unlike real life dancing
bears it doesn't need a red-hot plate under its
feet to distract you and make you feel guilty.
This is just a bear, getting on down to my MP3s
and CD tracks on a little island in the middle of
the ocean.
At
the end of a long day of lazing around and being
generally worthless, it's nice to unwind, put on
a Green Day CD and watch my little bear shake his
groove thang. Okay, so maybe his rhythm is a bit
ragged at times. Okay, so maybe he can't dance to
songs which lack a decent bass track. Okay, so
maybe he looks like a bear that collided with a
truck full of collagen implants. But somehow, his
excitable dance moves and the constant expression
of blank ecstasy on his face make up for it all.
Dance your way into my heart, you magnificent
bear!
It
makes me wonder if it could be possible (surely
not!) to make a dancing thing that would be even
more kickarse than the dancing bear. I applied
some serious thought to it (ha) and here's what
I've come up with.
1.
Dancing Nude Lady
I
wouldn't be surprised if you can get this
somewhere (mainly because I already know that
such things exist), but wherever they are, they
probably aren't as kickarse as what I have in
mind. My idea is to have the dancing nude lady on
the left side of the screen, and the dancing bear
on the right! I could watch that for days! Maybe
sometimes, when I'm playing something like Bridge
Over Troubled Water, they could ballroom dance
together. Or maybe the bear could remove his bear
costume to reveal another nude lady, while the
first nude lady puts on the bear costume. Or
maybe the bear could go insane with feeding
frenzy and maul the nude lady to death. All in
time with the music. Imagine the effect if a
giblet splatted upon the screen just as a cymbal
crashes.
2.
Dancing Goldfish
The
goldfish would only have two dance moves: Swim
forward a little bit, and swim backward a little
bit. It'll attempt to follow the music for about
three seconds, then forget what it was doing and
float still, bobbing up and down and mouthing
occasionally. You have two buttons. One of them
feeds the fish, and makes it remember that it's
supposed to be dancing for a little while. The
second button introduces an electric toaster to
the fishtank. YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW, AREN'T YOU,
YOU LITTLE ORANGE FUCK!
Then
the bear could come and eat the fish.
3.
Dancing Tin of Dogfood
This
is a tin of dogfood sitting on a kitchen floor.
It has over 500 dance moves. Unfortunately,
they're all variations on the "sit there
doing nothing" theme. In fact, in all
honesty, it's just a still picture of a tin of
dogfood. My idea is to add a little disclaimer
saying "The tin of dogfood will only dance
if you sit staring at it for an hour. If an hour
passes, you obviously weren't concentrating hard
enough." Then, after an hour, one of two
things will happen: either a really scary picture
will flash on briefly while a really loud scream
is heard, or the bear will come on and eat the
dogfood. Then I will burgle your house.
Whoo,
I've just gone over this update and it seems to
be giving off the impression that I've gone
completely mad. Well, let me assure you now that
I haven't. At least, I don't think so, and Boris
the sock puppet agrees.
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