would kick arse to go to space at all. Going to
space in a dustbin would kick arse to a certain
degree, if you can survive in hard vacuum. Just
to go up there and watch the majestic panorama of
the universe, to see both the desert and the
tundra at the same time, to go alongside the list
of men who have been Outside. Pff, rubbish.
Everyone's already seen space. It's not that
different to the TV version, just slightly less
noisy and slightly more three-dimensional.
being Captain of the Enterprise would
particularly kick arse. It wouldn't kick as much
arse as being Freddy Kreuger but it's certainly
one toe-poke better than being an underpants
thief. And do you know why? Of course you don't,
that's why you're reading this.
something just occurs ... how come no-one, in the
entire history of Star Trek, has EVER been killed
by exposure to hard vacuum? It's not that
uncommon in sci-fi in general, but ... weird.
Anyway, onto the reasons.
The Captain factor
for a moment, being Captain of anything kicks
arse. You might be in command of Babylon 5 or a
garbage steamer, but whether you're ploughing the
endless rolling folds of space or the oil-smeared
waves of the North Atlantic, there'll always be
someone you can order around. Ordering people
around is great. That kicks arse on its own. You
can act like a complete prick when you're
captain. Playing poker, losing badly? "I've
decided that I've won!" "You can't do
that!" "Yes I can! I'm the
Captain!" And being Captain of the
Enterprise would kick arse doubly in this area.
"I've decided to nuke that settlement with
our photon torpedoes." "Why?"
"Because I'm the Captain and I can do
whatever I bloody well want!"
course, pursuing that sort of policy does not a
contented workforce make. You'll be facing mutiny
before you can say "Klingons wear cornish
pasties on their foreheads". With any other
ship you'll just have to lump it but on the
Enterprise you can just set the self-destruct and
leg it in the escape pod, launching all the
others as you do, braying loudly through the
comlink or whatever they're called. And of
course, only the Captain is able to deactivate
self-destruct. That's always been a pretty stupid
idea, I reckon. What if the captain loses it?
What you want to do is make the Captain the only
one who can set the doomsday device and make the
cancel button open to all comers. And put the
cancel button and the start button next to each
other, you stupid Hollywood set designers.
Blow stuff up
course, just because you have the power to
incinerate whole settlements doesn't mean you
SHOULD. Just because, if you gave the order, the
entire population of California could be totally
wiped off the face of the Earth is no reason to
just cock your hat at a jaunty angle, rest one
leg over your armrest and do that very thing.
That would just be abusing the immense power of
an immensely powerful ship. And sure, if the
thought did occur, you could wave a hand and
press a few buttons, and within a few minutes all
that would remain of Velma from Scooby Doo would
be a small circular burn mark on the floor.
That's no reason to actually tail the Mystery
Machine and lock on. But you have to admit, that
would KICK ROYAL, CHUNKY, SILKEN, STRAWBERRY
FLAVOURED ARSE. Not that I condone slaughtering
Californians and annoying cartoon characters.
Sure, if I wanted to I could load up an AK47 and
do a Columbine ...
not so much in the original series, but by TNG
the Enterprise dress code was kicking supreme
arse. Dressing in black on its own is cool for
one thing, but the simple addition of a red band
meant you could stand in front of the van from
the A-Team and be rendered completely invisible.
And big black boots always kick arse in both
senses of the word. But it's the little things
that count. The Starfleet comms badge, if it were
a person, would probably dress like a pimp and
say things like "Youse keep your hands offa
me, bitch!". That's the impression I get,
anyway. And those little stud things you put on
your collar! While standing in front of the
A-Team van you can pretend the birds have shit on
it, and piss off Mr. T. I pity the foo who
doesn't take every opportunity to piss off Mr. T
and get away with it. Why didn't the birds ever
shit on Knight Rider? Or any car on TV? It makes
no sense. "Please put me in the garage if
you're going to bed, Mr. Hasselhoff, the birds
shit on me something rotten." Not gonna
did anyone else notice how much of a digression
that last bit was from the original point? That's
gotta be a nomination for 'most extreme tangent'.
IT WOULDN'T KICK ARSE TO BE CAPTAIN OF THE
Being picked on
the highest-ranking member of crew on one of the
most important starships in the universe earns
you a lot of street cred (space cred?). However,
it also makes you a prime target for the numerous
enemies of the Federation. I'm surprised Mr.
Picard doesn't spend all his time sitting under
his desk with a saucepan on his head, what with
all the times he's been kidnapped or tortured or
nearly killed. If I were Captain, I'd sleep in
guest quarters all the time and convert the ready
room to a minibar for the bridge officers. And
I'd let the First Officer sit in my chair and
wear my uniform from time to time. And maybe I'd
put on a ski mask, kidnap him during the night
and force him to undergo plastic surgery in order
to resemble me. Then I'd look shocked the next
morning and blame it on the Romulans. What can I
say? I just don't like being tortured.
Having to be strong all the time
your Captains on Star Trek have to be
strong-willed, incredibly brave, hardy, very
clever and practically immune to serious injury.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a darn big
responsibility. I don't want to have to be
strong-willed and brave all the time! When the
chips are down and everyone's panicking around
me, I don't want to have to always be the one to
slap them about! I want my fair share of
panicking! I want to run around screaming waving
my arms! I want to hide under my desk with a
saucepan on my head! At least let me suck my
thumb while I'm thinking of an escape route! I
graduated from the Academy by being a loser
know-it-all, thank you very much. Quite frankly,
if I've got to either brave a battlefield and
fight my way tooth and nail to safety, or get
captured and spend a few weeks lazing around in a
POW camp, then maybe I should start eating cold
porridge for every meal to get my digestive
system used to it.
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