know, if more people read these articles, a few
of them would probably tell me that, to really
experience a horror film, you have to see it in a
these people I would say, 'Do leave off!'
one thing, these days there aren't any decent
horror films that come out to watch in the
cinema. If I'd been interested in hacking and
slashing back in the eighties I'd be quids in.
for a second thing, cinemas are RIGHT BASTARDS!
buy my horror films for sums of three and four
pounds ninety-nine from a great little
second-hand shop in my home town. It has no
shortage of videos for such a small shop. Videos
cover three walls and most of the floor. I can
always find a good horror movie sequel in this
shop, then watch them in the comfort of my own
home with a glass of mineral water and a cushion
to hide behind. Then I can do it again the
following day without having to pay again.
was at a cinema today and I was reminded exactly
why I hate going to cinemas.
a start, there's the cost. I think I (or more
accurately, my parents) paid a full ten quid for
the privilege of watching a film in this hellish
establishment. Let us consider for the moment the
fact that this is over twice what I paid for
Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors only a
few hours earlier, a film which I will watch at
my leisure tomorrow, and maybe again the day
after if the fancy so takes me.
the cinema, not only do I only have the
opportunity to watch the film once, but said film
did not contain Freddy Kreuger. And I'm sure you
know me well enough to know that I would gladly
have paid ten quid for a film with Freddy Kreuger
also paid two pound twenty for a 'jumbo' cola, on
the assumption that anything smaller would not
even last beyond the previews. Although the price
was obviously unreasonable, it was only ten pee
more than the 'large' cola, which in turn was
only twenty pee more than the 'medium' cola, so I
figured it for a sound investment.
how wrong I was.
single feature of the cinema is designed to milk
more money out of you for less value. So I drank
that 'jumbo' cola, which I incidentally had some
difficulty lifting with both hands, and about
half-way through the film, after cola was
depleted, the volume of the cup and the
comparatively low volume of my poor young bladder
suddenly impressed itself upon me.
I missed five minutes of film as I forced Lake
Michigan through my urethra in a little room
fifty or so yards away from where I had been
sitting. Add about two minutes for the journey
and another five minutes for my irrational
inability to urinate in a public lavatory, a
neurosis which put up a fierce battle with my
heavily-loaded bladder before surrendering to
minutes of a two hour film, for which I paid ten
pounds to see. That's about, ooh,
fifty-something-ish pence of film that the evil
cinema corporation stole from me. The stingy
also noticed that my cup fitted most snugly into
my cup holder, which meant the cup holder was
designed with that size of cup in mind. They WANT
you to take the big cups and take a toilet break
and lose money. The toilet thing was merely
stingy. This was just DIABOLICAL.
are some things people say in praise of cinemas:
surround sound really adds to the
do not watch videos with surround sound on my
television. This is because I have functional
eyes and ears. If I see someone on the right side
of a screen mouthing and if I hear words that
synchronize with their lips, I'm gonna assume
that person is doing the talking. And if I want
the same sound quality as a cinema, I'll turn the
volume right up and listen to it through ear
trumpets. I do not do this because I'm rather
fond of my eardrums.
the atmosphere, the other people watching around
you, you can't beat it."
yes. Call me antisocial but I don't see myself
socializing with other members of my cinema
audience. A few rows behind me before the film
began some kids blew raspberries at everyone who
came in. Right at the front sat some more kids
who WOULD NOT SHUT UP during the film. I won't
say what the film was as I'm embarrassed. It was
the closest thing to horror I could find on the
listing. Don't see why there were all these kids
around. I wanted to shout at them to shut up, but
that would make me a hypocrite. Oh, for a sniper
was this advert before the previews that detailed
the laws of the theatre, in which a CG woman
brought about serious injury upon CG people who
dared break these sacred laws. I particularly
enjoyed the scene where a smoking man was hurled
into a no smoking sign. Now this was good.
Unfortunately there's a little thing called
'accusations of GBH' standing in the way of this
affirmative action. Don't look so cocky, CG
woman, the SWAT team probably have the place
surrounded by now.
haven't seen a movie until you've seen it on a
screen twenty feet high."
note the way this sort of statement implies that
if you watch a film on video you're somehow
missing something that only becomes obvious in a
cinema. Admittedly there are few details that
will go unnoticed when the action is being pushed
in your face like it is in a theatre, but I
didn't like 'Mortal Kombat Annihilation' because
the dialogue was shite, the acting wooden and the
plot flimsy, not because I hadn't been watching
twenty square feet of bare chest at any one time.
Perhaps the popcorn and coke is loaded down with
a special drug that makes all the dialogue,
acting and storyline better. I know my dad was
waxing lyrical about the film he had seen when we
returned to the car.
there, gentle reader, are my reasons why I hate
cinemas with the same sort of burning hatred that
the main bad guy from the Smurfs had for Smurfs,
if you also add on the burning hatred the entire
world had for Smurfs, too. And that is why, when
I am watching a second-hand copy of Halloween H20
this afternoon, I will take a needle to anyone
who happens by saying it was better in the cinema
and pop both their eardrums without remorse or
you down Blockbuster, friends.
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