Oh come on, do I really have to give reasons? Surely everyone at some point has wished that they could put knives on their hand and slaughter shallow American teenagers for little or no reason? No? Suit yourself.

REASON 1: The afore-mentioned knives

Well obviously they're great for playing the title role in a bloody evening of murderous fun, but having blades on your hand also has a great many practical uses about the home. Most notably in the areas of cookery and gardening, but if you want to squeeze some pus from a few of your gaping sores then this way you don't get cack all over your hands. Thing is, you have to remember not to thump your chest during a particularly passionate speech, as you'll end up in hospital with a punctured cardiac muscle. The added embarrassment of this is that concerned hospital staff may put you on the waiting list for a skin graft while you're under anaesthetic.

REASON 2: Scaring the bejeesus out of people

This links on from that last bit. Scaring people is always a guaranteed laugh and a half. Nothing says 'pray' like a face full of weepy sores and a tendency to stare at people while grinning unsettlingly. People with skin grafts just don't cut it. Of course, if you were undergoing a skin graft there'd be the unforeseen worry of precisely where the boffins would actually graft skin from, but then we've never seen Freddy's arse, have we? Or his winkie, for that matter. And I suppose we should thank heaven for small mercies. I don't know why, but it's always been clear to me that Freddy Krueger is one of those disgruntled fellas with a very small winkie. But back to the subject of scaring people, it's always pleasurable (some might say 'orgasmic') to make self-satisfied teenage bimbos cry. I'd wipe the smiles off their smug little faces. Quite literally.

REASON 3: That jumper

Awwwwwww yeah. Dig that sweater, baby. Red and green should never be seen? Pah! Say that to a guy who's plucking your kidneys from their designated positions. Surely a major perk of being a mad psycho supernatural murderer has to be the wherewithal to wear whatever the hell you like without being patronized by camp young men strutting up and down in pink suits. Of course, a woolly jumper would probably chafe merrily against third-degree burns, but for me this is mitigated by the fact that you can stand in front of the coloured liquorice stand in a sweet shop and be rendered completely unseen. They didn't show the jumper much in Wes Craven's New Nightmare. He wore that big black coat too much, if you ask me. Justice to the jumper! Too many murderers wear big black coats, more murderers who wear jumpers please!

REASON 4: That hat

Not as important as that jumper but still a pretty snazzy article of clothing, Freddy's infamous hat contrasted beautifully with his jumper. Surely the whole point of the hat was that he didn't wear a big black coat as well, which are quite frankly made for this sort of hat. Freddy was instantly recognisable because he wore a hat which demanded big coat but went big-coat-less. This effect was spoilt somewhat in New Nightmare when the K-man was seen wearing both hat and big coat, but he lost the hat in one of his early scenes and it was never seen again. Last seen in that bitch woman's bedroom.

REASON 5: Job satisfaction

You get the opportunity to stuff the gonads of some high-school twat down the throat of that very same high-school twat, and you get to make corny one-liners which, surely, no-one's ever going to hear except you and people who'll be dead in seconds, who don't count. Throw in a pension plan and you need never frown again! Of course, there's the occasional hiccup when some of the very kids you're supposed to be tormenting defeat you, or at least appear to do so. When that happens, you just need to console yourself that everyone from the last film snuffs it in the next sequel. Score!

REASON 6: The ability to give even the most mundane phrases a fearsome ring by the simple addition of the word 'bitch'

"Mr. Kipling makes exceedingly good cakes, bitch!"


REASON 1: Omnipotence

What? I hear you cry. Why wasn't this in the other list? OK it makes life easier, but frankly when compared to the knives, the hat, the 'bitch', and of course the jumper, it just doesn't measure up. OK, so you can do absolutely anything. OK, so you set all the ground rules and you hold all the cards. But doesn't this sort of take the challenge out of life? Doesn't it take the excitement out of the kill and the chase? Of course, the fact that you'll never see the below exchange in any of his films is testament to the fact that he's got an admirable sense of sportsmanship.


(Freddy in a deckchair. Enter horde of teenagers)

TEENAGERS: We've got holy water and crucifixes and can-do spirit! Surrender, demon!

(Freddy waves a hand, teenagers instantly disentegrate)

FREDDY: Oh, god, I'm so BORED!

REASON 2: Life of Freddy

OK, if you want to be Freddy you obviously can't be an undead dream spirit straight away. You'd have to be alive for a little while beforehand. Yes, you'd have to live for forty-odd years as a puny, fallible, silly little mortal. You've got to live through whatever made Freddy want to grow up to be a child murderer (which can't have been fun), then there's the passing distraction of murdering children for a short while, and then of course there's your horrible fiery death at the hands of disgruntled parents. Ah well, the bit after that makes up for everything.

REASON 3: Having a very small winkie

OK, let's stop there, I'm getting rather disturbing thoughts.

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