Let's not beat around the bush here. The world is a load of shite. In this day and age, the only thing that encompasses the whole level of shiteness in the world is the world itself. And possibly Microsoft. Satire.

Now would probably be an appropriate time to ask God what the hell he thinks he's playing at. Now, some rather nasty, spiteful people might indicate that this might be on the same level as asking a glass of water for a complete listing of the Central Timbuctoo bus timetables from 1979 to 1981, but that's only because these nasty, spiteful people have realised how shite this world is and have decided that no-one could have consciously created it.

But I say, keep an open mind. Just because your local McDonald's Quarter Pounder with Cheese looks like it was put together by a brain-dead chipmunk doesn't mean that McDonalds relies on the completely random collision of atomic particles to make their products. Obviously God had good intentions when he threw our li'l interstellar home together. He might have spent quite some time over it, just as I spent a lot of time slaving over seven households on The Sims which all eventually fell apart.

So I'd just like to say to God if he's reading this, which he is because God is in all things, that perhaps you should take a look at the following references, for the next time you decide to make a world.

1. Bollocks on the outside

Most sensitive part of the male human physique, and he places it in almost the exact geological centre of the body, right between the legs, dangling down in it's own special bag. He might as well have painted them fluorescent orange and made the hair above it grow into the words 'your foot goes here'. Some might say that He in his magnificence deliberately made things this way to test his creations. They may be right. Some might say I nicked this joke from a Robert Rankin book. They would certainly be right. Who gives a shit?

2. Inconsistent orgasms

A woman's orgasm can take place over fifteen minutes, and she's ready for another five minutes later (I think - I'm not a woman). A man's orgasm, however, lasts about fifteen seconds (if you're lucky) and it takes up to half an hour to psyche yourself up for another one. What was the logic behind that? What was the logic behind women being capable of shagging, shagging, shagging, all the long day, and not actually be interested in doing so, and then making shagging, shagging, shagging all the long day every male's ultimate shag fantasy, but leaving them shagged out after barely fifteen minute's shag? This may also be a case of testing us, but if it is I wouldn't want God at my school teaching Biology. This may also be an attempt at the world 'most uses of the word 'shag' in a single paragraph without making any reference to carpets or tobacco' record. Who can say?

3. Unclear Text

No book critic has ever tried to assess the Old Testament. Maybe they should. I did once. It's a crap story and it's very badly written. The use of grammar and diction is precarious to say the least, quite a few verses are repeated needlessly, often over and over, and it can't stop giving out completely miscellaneous details which aren't relevant at all to the story. This all makes for a very tedious read and a very thick book. If God had thought to make the whole text a bit easier to read and a bit less impossible to understand then maybe we'd be spared all the murder, torture, slavery, genocide and televangelists little bits of religious mistranslation can cause. And if rewriting the whole thing's too much of a hassle, how long would it have taken to put an address and daytime telephone number in there?

4. The whole Garden of Eden thing

OK, so God makes the first two people, having spent an enjoyable week putting together their play centre. He then sets them to work coming up with nice names for all their furry friends. He also puts an incredibly dangerous piece of tasty fruit in full public view on a tree in the very centre of this brave new world, and tells his creations to leave it alone. Now, if I had been God, I'd have put this incredibly dangerous sweet treat in a safety deposit box, then buried it in some rarely-visited area of the garden. Thirty feet under. Then concreted it over and built a Laser Quest there or something. But then, if I had been God, Adam would have been called Rufus and the forbidden fruit would have been a forbidden bag of Liquorice Allsorts. Maybe some people just aren't born to the task. I'm not, but then God probably isn't either.

5. The whole flood thing

Look, if you want to be a serious architect, you can't just flood the problem and expect it to go away. Sure, this might work with ant colonies and nymphomaniacs (innuendo), but not with worlds. No-sirree by golly. If everyone was really as sinful as you make out maybe that would have been a good time to parachute in that layabout son of yours and get him to do some work for once. For one thing, the sheer impossibility of flooding the entire world is going to be the meat of quite a few atheist's arguments when the Internet is invented. I can just imagine that fateful night when Noah was given his great task.

GOD: Aloha, Noah! How'd you like to go on a little holiday?

NOAH: Don't tell me - Bognor Regis for the weekend. Again.

GOD: I was thinking more along the lines of a cruise for forty days and forty nights.

NOAH: Kick ass! How much?

GOD: Absolutely nothing at all!

NOAH: Well, let no-one say you don't reward your students.

GOD: There's just a couple of little sub-clauses in the contract.

NOAH: Small print, eh?

GOD: For starters, I'm sort of doing a favour for this animal lover friend of mine. You'll sort of be sharing the boat with two of every single animal in the whole wide world.

NOAH: I see.

GOD: And you'll have to allow for all the poo as well.

NOAH: Surely that's up to the ship's owner?

GOD: There you've hit upon the other sub-clause.

One lengthy discussion later ...

NOAH: I'm quite happy with Bognor Regis, you know.

GOD: No! You shall build an ark. An ark with space for more poo than is probably healthy to have in an enclosed space.

NOAH: I wonder if it's too late to take up Buddhism.

Take a lesson from me, God mate - if you want to be seen as a kindly patriarch to mankind and thus obliterate use of the phrase 'god-fearing', try bribery next time. Give everyone sweeties if they promise not to be naughty. It works.

6. Meatballs 3: Summer Job

Every time I say a little prayer I always finish it off with this: "Oh, and by the way, please turn up the gas in the special Hell you have created for everyone even remotely associated with the film 'Meatballs 3: Summer Job'. Also, when I die, please take my soul and plonk it in a ring-side seat, near the exit and never more than ten paces away from a snack peddler. Oh, and try not to make anything so shite ever again, even if you were only indirectly responsible for this one." I really hate that film.

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