This article is not going to address exclusively why it would kick arse to be Threepy. A lot of stuff you're about to read (assuming you don't get bored and bugger off early) could apply to any adventure game character. Just wanted to point that out before anyone pointed that out for me. So here we go.

1. Split personality

It must be interesting being an adventure game character. For occasional short bursts you can say what you want to say and control your own destiny, but when you find yourself on a quest you suddenly undergo total paralysis and can only do things when some voice in the sky tells you to. This deranged puppet master could make you walk over a cliff or stick your fingers in an electrical socket, but on the bright side, when its guidance ends with you finding the treasure or saving the world you get all the credit and the weird voice disappears until the sequel. Sometimes having someone do all the thinking for you can be quite beneficial.

2. Eternal youth

Let's analyze the Brush-man's appearance over the games. Monkey 1: Impressionable youth. Coiled-up pony tail. Short sleeves. Couldn't be older than 19. Monkey 2: Adventurous swashbuckler. Pony tail waving wild and free. Big blue coat. According to his library ID, 21. Believable. Monkey 3: No more coat. Couldn't be more than 19 again. Allegedly 21 according to guild card. Monkey 4: Several costumes. Fresh-faced complexion of a seventeen-year-old. How the Hell did he pull that off?! Guybrush Threepwood's age peaked in Monkey 2 and he's been getting younger ever since. My personal theory is that the evil spell LeChuck cast over him at the end of MI2 had more complications than we thought. Or it could just be a misguided attempt by LucasArts to return our hero to his original, innocent demeanour. Bastards. At least he's never had acne.

3. Bottomless pockets

It's only slightly hinted at for the purpose of jokes but being able to pack unlimited amounts of junk in your pockets could probably qualify as a superpower. I mean, in Monkey 1 Woody is stuffing shovels, three-foot-long Monkey head keys, massive slabs of stewed meat and heavy golden idols into his trouser pockets or down the front of his shirt. In Monkey 2 it's a bit more believable since he has a big coat, but he still manages to fit fully-grown dogs and pianists in there. That'd be great! You could walk into a museum, load yourself down with the entire stock and walk out, whistling jauntily, as everyone will be looking for people with big sacks, or who are at least walking funny. Or, if someone's trying to kill you (something that happens to Guybrush quite a lot), you could just crawl inside your own trousers and wait for the heat to be off. A whole new irony is added to the term 'travelling light'.

4. Indestructible

I know the pedantic will correct me on this one, but it's a well-known fact that Guybrush cannot die. He can also, although this is less obvious, not be harmed. He's falling huge distances, being socked in the jaw and being fired out of cannons left, right and centre, but he still just gets up and delivers a one-liner. This would add an extra degree of excitement to the aforementioned museum heist. Cornered on the roof by security? Jump off! Land on your head if you like! You'll still survive. You might crack the pavement a bit, but hey, it's not your pavement. And why is Guybrush Threepwood indestructible? Well, we don't really know what he was up to before he washed up on Melee Island. My guess is that he had a close encounter with a tanker carrying radioactive materials. Or wearing a suit of armour under his skin. I'm an idiot.

5. Elaine



1. Fruity hairdo

Some pirates can have long hair and still look mean. Guybrush is not one of those pirates. It's bad enough he's let his hair grow to "boy or girl?" length, he's got to tie it up into a pony tail like one of those poncy yuppies. What he wants to do is let it down, die it black, go insane with one of those steam curlers, then breed lice on a comb for a few months and give your scalp a thorough going-over. Then you can work on the beard. Loser.

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