Did you see that recent flick, Hollow Man? Good effects but the dialogue was crap. Kevin Bacon is a hot shot scientist who, together with his hot shot scientist mates, turns himself invisible, but then finds that he can't turn himself back. So he goes insane and decides to kill all his mates, blow up the lab and ride off into the sunset on a very confused horse.

What a tosser!

That guy didn't even begin to explore the rich new dimension of experience available to invisible people. All he did was feel up a few chicks and murder a few people. If I was invisible I'd give the finger to everyone who knew and go off and start enjoying life. He should've taken a leaf from Chevy Chase's book.

1. Feeling up chicks

Mentioned above and perhaps the most obvious one, being invisible means you can immerse yourself in a crowd and start clasping boobs and buttocks, then leap aside and laugh as some poor chap gets a clip round the ear. Laugh quietly obviously. And changing rooms! You can sneak into changing rooms and sit right there in the middle of the place while pretty girls get wet and take all their clothes off. You could go and hide in the showers themselves, but since the water on your body wouldn't be invisible you'd have to rely on them not noticing a semi-transparent man appear in the corner. You could pretend to be a novelty glass statue, but you wouldn't be able to explain the developing glass stiffy. This all only applies to men, however. Women wouldn't want to hide in men's changing rooms because women are MUCH MORE MATURE.

2. Scare people

Oh, this'd be a riot. Kevin Bacon (or whatever the character's name was - I'd imagine his friends would call him that as a friendly jibe because he bears an uncanny resemblance to Kevin Bacon) began exploring this in Hollow Man. Knock on someone's door, wait for them to answer, then quietly sneak in. Then just go WILD! Throw things around! Open and close windows! Write scary phrases on walls in lipstick! Personally I would wait for someone to get undressed then go 'PHWOAARRR' in a lusty voice. 'Course there's always the risk they'll call an exorcist in. If they do, just pretend to be the previous tenant of the building whose body is holed up in one of the wall partitions. While police are tearing the place apart, sneak off. Laugh, laugh, laugh. Repeat.

3. Running around nekkid

Ah, the sheer unbridled joy of running around in your bare scuddies, your undercarriage swinging wild and free, free from persecution and an outmoded society that still holds the stuffy old Victorian opinion that going shopping in your birthday suit is somehow wrong. In fact, those are the exact words I used to my arresting officer. But did this sway him? Did it bollocks. They fined me the exact amount of money I had been saving up to buy a trenchcoat extension. Bastards! I suppose I'm just before my time. But yes, apparently being invisible is the only way you can enjoy life unhindered by clothing in this day and age. Fascist gits. Of course, life being what it is, you can just bet that whatever ungodly process has transported you to an alternate visual dimension will wear off just as you're doing the can-can in the middle of a children's playground. It took some explaining, believe me. I've said too much.

4. Everything's free

Of course, it's not actually written down in black and white that invisible people don't have to pay for anything. But they might as well. Who's going to stop you? You could go to all the latest musicals on Broadway and not have to fork out a single bean. You could grab as much stuff as you can carry from a shop and sneak out, earning nothing more than a startled look from the shopkeeper. Disadvantage: if you do sneak into theatres and stuff people are going to think your seat is empty and sit on you, and since you're completely nekkid they'll probably end up sitting on certain gender-specific sensitive body bits. Ouch. Oh, and don't eat anything you steal while in public, as the sight of a stomach-shaped lump of partially digested goo floating around isn't going to be welcome at respectable parties.

(Yeah, obviously.)

1. Unnoticed

Unnoticed in a women's shower means you have to go unnoticed elsewhere, too. Can't flag down a taxi when you're invisible, you'd lose an arm. Can't cross the road and rely on cars to slow down as you do. You could be flying over bonnets and being crushed under tyres and no-one would know, thinking your agonized whimpering was coming from the Ghost of Highway 12 or whatever. I bet having sex with a visible woman would be an immensely popular spectator sport. And you don't want people gawking at you while you're giving it all you've got. I'm suddenly reminded of that old Wonder Woman joke.

2. Urinating difficulty

Your bodily fluids are invisible too, remember. So pissing would become a whole new adventure. (a) you can't see the pee so you can't see where it's going and where someone will have to clean up, (b) you can't see your winky so you can't aim with it, and (c) you can't see your hands, so you'll just end up pissing all over them, too. Again this doesn't really apply to women, but invisible men will probably have to use a catheter system. But even then you wouldn't be able to tell when the bag was full.

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