This doesn't mean that I actually want to be Lara Croft. In writing this I'm not admitting that I occasionally dress up in a tight top and khaki hotpants and prance around pointing two hairdryers at my dog. In this little article I am pointing out why, if you happen to be Lara Croft, that you should be very pleased with yourself.

1. Pretty woman

When does it ever not kick arse to be drop-dead gorgeous? You get to act like a complete bitch when you're pretty, and you can get people to do whatever you want. And you can bonk all the really handsome men with the big knobs. If you happen to like that sort of thing, which personally I don't. And then there's your chest! What can't you do with two monstrous titties like that? You could stand in front of someone, turn around suddenly and knock them unconscious! You could hold them both, one in each hand, and squeeze them in turn while putting on silly voices for a hilarious cabaret act. Then there's suckling your young, but frankly that idea makes me want to clench the muscles in my arse.

2. Powerful woman

I think I mentioned in a previous article how much I enjoy the scenes when people who pick fights in sci-fi films get their just desserts. Imagine what would happen if anyone tried to put the MOVES on Lara Croft. "Hey, bitch. You got nice titties. Why don't we - BOOMPH, BANG, THUMP, CRUNCH, AARGH!!!, SMACK, THWACK, DRAW, RELOAD, BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM CLICK CLICK, RELOAD, BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM CLICK, BLOW AWAY SMOKE STYLISHLY, HOLSTER." And those powerful legs! Lara Croft is probably the only person who can actually do Sonja's move in Mortal Kombat where she wraps her legs around their head and slams them to the floor. Just make sure you have a good dental plan; all that teeth-clenching while firing can't be doing you any good.

3. Plundering woman

Money money money! Mwuhahahahaha! She's the richest heroine in the history of heroines. She lives in a mansion the size of the Taj Mahal and goes swimming fully dressed. She could easily jog down to the drinks cabinet and mix herself a martini, but she gets some doddering old retainer to do it JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT! That's how crazy she is with money. I bet she ties her hair with money. I bet she wears a money bra and money underpants. I bet she fills her swimming pool with money when she thinks no-one's looking, and rolls around naked in it. And do you know where she gets all this fabulous wealth and riches? Sheeeeeeee nicks it! That's right, she breaks into dead people's houses and pinches all the nice ornaments. You have to respect a gal who flaunts her stolen goods that way. Down with the state and all that.

4. Panting woman

Well, I know what I would do if I temporarily found that the minds of Ms. Croft and I had switched. Firstly I would dress up in all the clothes I could find in her wardrobe, place a full-length dress mirror in front of the shower, get inside, turn it on and take all the clothes off really, really slowly to the tune of "You sexy thang" by Hot Chocolate. Then I would hunt down my original body and the bewildered hot chick inside, throw it to the floor in the nearest cyber cafe and begin making mad passionate love to it approximately fifteen seconds before our minds were due to be switched back. Firstly, this would pander to my ego no end, and secondly, I would then wake up to find myself living the geek's dream - surrounded by computers and boinking Lara Croft. Score! Actually this isn't really a reason why being her would kick arse, this is more me being weird.

5. Purposeful woman

It's a man's world. There are more male world leaders around today than female ones (The Queen doesn't count). But Lara flies in the face of that sort of statistic. She laughs in the face of misogynists and chauvinists. When she meets a powerful man she's more likely to try and blow him away than blow him off. Stop that erection right now, you sick, sick boy. Stop it! Concentrate, that's how! Think of Margaret Thatcher or something! Right. She's also saved the world a few times which, like invulnerability, is always a good thing to have on your CV. Given the choice I'd rather employ a woman who had saved the world than a woman with big tits and a willingness to sleep her way to the top. Good on yer, Lara, you're making a name for yourself in a man's world. You go, girl.


1. Well-endowed woman

'Course, it can't all be fun being Lara 'Twin Peaks' Croft. Having funbags the size of Mount Olympus can be a chore to say the least. Combine them with a top so tight it's just one step away from being a membrane and you have a literally explosive combination. What do you think will happen first? The breasts pushed in so far that the lungs collapse or the vest being torn asunder during a particularly arousing adventure? Neither is particularly fun. Not for her anyway. Take a look at her shoes one day, too. That chest has to get in the way when she tries to look at her feet. I bet she doesn't even bother to tie the laces. Look out for Tomb Raider 6: Lara Falls Over And Immediately Bounces Back Upright. I'd buy it.

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