yes, Mario. How old is he now? Twenty years since
that first perilous encounter with a giant
monkey? And he looks much older. I suppose all
that jumping takes it out of you. Sorry, I'm
supposed to be saying how being him kicks arse.
The Iron Bum
speaking of arse, who wouldn't want literal
BUTTOCKS OF STEEL? Our Mario and his mates can
despatch of most nasties by jumping on them. If
only things were that simple, eh? You'd be able
to hold up a bank by threatening to jump on the
cashiers. If you want to get your hands on your
uncle's inheritance you could wait for him to
pass by your window and then give him both
cheeks. The police could form an elite team of
experts who specialise in jumping on people.
Soldiers would be trained in the best way to jump
on their enemies silently. If only jumping on
people was always fatal, this world could be a
utopia by now.
That Whole Mushroom Thing
know in the wild that you have to be very careful
of what mushrooms you stuff down your gullet, in
case they give you the runs or cause you to puke
your lungs up or something. Most people have to
rely on a guide book or a gullible foreigner to
work out these things, but not in the magical
world of Mario! Mario knows that a mushroom can
only do one of two things - make him three feet
taller or give him an extra life. If only this,
too, could extend to real life.
Hey, you can't ride on this roller coaster,
you're too short.
ME: That's OK, I've got a mushroom.
Oh no, my nubile extremely attractive post-teen
daughter has been savaged by the wild cheese
grater-wielding cannibals of West London, and now
she's dead! Oh woe!
ME: No problem! I'll just force-feed her this
funny green mushroom that's bigger than me.
(twenty minutes later)
MAN: Gasp! She's come back to life! Sylvia, thank
this nice man by giving him oral sex immediately!
nice to speculate, isn't it.
don't know what ungodly process Mario and Luigi
have been through, but it seems to react
remarkably when exposed to certain varieties of
plant life. I tried setting fire to a daffodil
and eating it once, but instead of being able to
shoot fireballs from my fingertips I just
scorched my oesophagus and gave myself asthma. My
theory is that Mario has undergone experimental
surgery to install nanites into his system that
alter his metabolism when exposed to
photosynthesizing chlorophyll. Or maybe he's just
not really a person, maybe he's flesh-covered
robot. Although I never once saw him greet the
princess with the words "Hasta la vista,
baby". Still, he can breathe underwater,
which is more than that loser Sonic could manage.
is not to say that the princess and Mario were
getting it on. I don't think they were. I mean,
all Mario ever got from the bitch was a peck on
the cheek for his trouble, and that's after
battling through level after excruciating level.
So I don't think they're lovers, I think if
anything they're probably related, possibly
cousins, or maybe even brother and sister. So
what is the deal with her? Now, I'm gonna let you
in on the biggest conspiracy in the Mushroom
Toadstool is having an affair with Koopa!
did I come to this startling conclusion? Listen,
dear friends, and learn.
A: Super Mario Brothers 1. Every time you come to
the end of a castle you meet some toadstool loser
saying the princess is in another castle. Of
course she is, she moved to the next one when she
heard Mario break the door down to extend the
amount of time she gets with her boy toy, until
she runs out of castles and is forced to express
her 'gratitude' at being 'rescued'.
B: Why was the princess always being 'held' so
close to Mr. Koopa? Either in the next room or
(in the case of Super Mario World for the SNES)
in the same, rather small flying machine. And
she's never even tied up or gagged, for God's
sake! And remember that bit at the end of Super
Mario World where the flying machine thing starts
bouncing up and down? Whaddya think's going on in
C: You'd have thought that after being kidnapped
the first twenty or thirty times she'd have upped
her personal guard a little. But no, we can't
have that. Obviously being kidnapped is her cover
story. I mean, they never even send a ransom
she can't let her people think she's spending
most of her time in the armoured pants of her
supposed greatest enemy, so she still has to get
someone to try and rescue her. So who does she
appoint? A guy in a black trenchcoat armed to the
teeth with more guns than the entire Yugoslavian
Army buys in year? No, some fat runt of a plumber
who can't even punch. I think after the first
couple of times Mario was let in on the secret,
why d'you think the later games in the series
were so much longer? Imagine the first phone
conversation between them:
Hello, Mario & Luigi Plumbing Outfitters,
We're Not The Cowboys, We're The Cavalry?
PRINCESS: Hi ... this is the princess.
MARIO: Hiya, princess! Toilet backed up again?
PRINCESS: Actually no, I've been kidnapped by
this big lizard bloke.
MARIO: Shock horror! I'll get a SWAT team
PRINCESS: Er, no, that won't be necessary. I
should think just you and your brother would be
MARIO: But we don't have any military training or
PRINCESS: Well, put on some cast-iron buttock
pads or something. Oh, and there's no rush, you
might as well take the scenic route through
everywhere in the entire world.
MARIO: Where're you calling from?
PRINCESS: Whoops, gotta go.
course, now it probably goes something like this.
Hi Mario, I've been 'kidnapped' again -
MARIO: Yeah, yeah. I'll get my hat.
PRINCESS: Oh, could you pick up my laundry while
why is this a reason why being Mario would kick
arse? Well, I should think the Mushroom Kingdom
has tabloid newspapers just like everywhere else.
Lemme here you say 'Blackmail'? Maybe Mario lets
the princess know that he'll keep his mouth shut
as long as she pays him a handsome sum regularly
and turns a blind eye to Toad and Luigi's
homosexual relationship. But that's another
IT WOULDN'T KICK ARSE TO BE MARIO
Those spikey hedgehog things
your buttocks to yourself on this one. Ouch.
updates - features - essays - reviews - comics - games - novels - about - contact - forum - links