MEET THE CRAZY MOON MAN

Did you know that if you happen to believe that there really is a moon orbiting the Earth, you belong to a religious sect called Lunarism that has existed for centuries and boasts a membership of the entire population of the world, bar one man?

Apparently this is true, according to one The_Mad_Revisionist, who is incidentally the aforementioned one man who believes fervently that (a) the moon does not exist, and (b) there's a huge worldwide conspiracy covering this up. Amazing how times change; as little as a hundred years ago we used to keep loonies like this in big sanitariums where they get poked with sticks and hosed down with cold water every night. Nowadays, we just give them websites.

Heh. I just realised you could make a half-decent Matrix parody out of this guy. There Is No Moon.

I suspect that this is a joke page. It's probably a joke page. I hope fervently to God that this is a joke page, because I want to believe I live in a world where people don't get fucked in the head to such a degree. Assuming for now it's a joke page, this article is targetted at the curious people who send the webmaster appreciative e-mails agreeing with everything he says. Of course, these people could also be joking, trying to take the piss out of someone who is already taking the piss out of them without effort. There are so many layers of complexity it's difficult to be certain. I guess one of them has to be on the level. The rest of this rant refers to this person, whoever they may be.

Now, digressing for a moment, it seems to me that this guy was probably behind the door when the conspiracies were handed out. Other people talk about how the American government killed JFK, or that the Queen is actually a blood-drinking lizard monster in disguise. Those are conspiracies you can respect, and which can get you invited to lots of interesting parties. Start talking about how the moon's not there then all you'll get is kicked out of a lot of respectable learning institutions. Some people would call this 'understandable'. Commander No-Moon calls this 'irrefutable proof'. After all, the learning institutions are IN ON IT! HOLY SHIT!

The_Mad_Revisionist (who I think partly admits the unreliability of his claim in his chosen soubriquet) has offered a hundred grand to whoever can offer irrevocable evidence for the existence of the moon. Admittedly this money's pretty safe, as short of dragging him by the scruff of his neck to the moon and dumping him in the Sea of Tranquillity there's not much that can prove the existence of the moon. Also, you can't prove that there isn't a ghost of Bagpuss hovering right behind your head as you read this. He's right there, man! No, he disappeared right after you turned your head. I swear he's there. Look, he's back again now!

Nitpicking aside, I feel I should introduce a little thing called Occam's Razor, a very simple rule of logic which regular readers will know I'm a big fan of.

Evidence Sensible Conclusion Loony Conclusion
1. We can see what looks like a great big spherical rock in the night sky. There's a great big spherical rock orbiting the Earth. It's obviously a hologram, or an enormous balloon, or some kind of canvas and plywood construction.
2. It moves across the sky almost as if it was orbiting the Earth. There's a great big spherical rock orbiting the Earth. It's probably moved along by a complex system of wind. Or maybe it's on a track or something.
3. Every astronomer, observatory, scholar, university and established expert in the entire world says that there is a great big spherical rock orbiting the Earth. There's a great big spherical rock orbiting the Earth. They're ALL in on it, I tells ya! ALL of them!
4. The tides move in accordance with the positions of the (apparent) moon. There's a great big spherical rock orbiting the Earth. There's no reason to think the moon directly influences the tides. They're probably caused by dolphins or something.
5. The Russian Sputnik probe took photographs of what looks a lot like the dark side of the moon. There's a great big spherical rock orbiting the Earth. The Russians murdered a bunch of people around the time of the Second World War, and as such we can't trust anything they say. [I swear this is the genuine reason he gives]
6. NASA went to the moon and filmed some astronauts bouncing merrily around. There's a great big spherical rock orbiting the Earth. It was all faked so the Americans could pretend they won the Space Race! Duh!
7. They brought some samples of moon rock back. There's a great big spherical rock orbiting the Earth. Yeah, well, they probably scraped it up from their driveways or something.
8. Why the hell would anyone want to pretend there's a giant spherical rock orbiting the Earth, anyway? They wouldn't. There's a great big spherical rock orbiting the Earth. NASA and the American government perpetuates the myth so they can pretend they're spending taxpayers money on moon research when in fact they're spending it all on fast cars and hot women!
9. But there are huge amounts of evidence that the moon was around before the American Government, and indeed the taxation system, came about. Old portraits and writings and shit like that. Okay, you got me, there really is a great big spherical rock orbiting the Earth. Before the American government it was the Illuminati and the Templars perpetuating the myth!
10. Okay, so why the hell would THEY want to pretend there's a giant spherical rock orbiting the Earth? I believe I have already admitted that there's a great big spherical rock orbiting the Earth. Because ... because they want something to keep the general population scared or some shit!
11. Oh, right. So they just sat down and said "We need some way to make people intimidated and humble before us! Let's build a giant robot who can breathe fire and crush buildings underfoot!" "No, let's build a giant helium balloon and make it fly around the sky for no apparent reason!" I take it you're not addressing me anymore. Shut up shut up SHUT UP!
12. And another thing, how could they have built something so fucking big without causing comment? And how could they get it in the sky with the resources they had in those days? You're wasting your time, man, he's stuck his fingers in his ears. La la la la la la not listening to you la la la la la la la

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All material not otherwise credited by Ben 'Yahtzee' Croshaw
Copyright 2002-2004 All Rights Reserved so HANDS OFF, PIKEY