was reading Private Eye the other day (note to
all non-Englanders and other lesser human beings
- a satirical magazine that exposes hypocrisy and
scandal in the media and government) and it
occurred to me, while reading a few articles on
how certain newspapers were behaving very badly,
how the names of said newspapers often sound more
like bad made-for-TV movies. Yes, I truly do
think things like that. After discussing the
matter with my dog I decided to write this
article wot you are reading now.
will present to you the name of each newspaper I
choose to rubbish, a little bit of background,
then my suggestion for the plot of the respective
movie. I'm too good to you.
good start. The Guardian, high-brow broadsheet
notorious for making spelling mistakes. Think of
what springs to mind when given the word
'Guardian'. A man in armour? A vicious dog? A
badger with a gun? Would a newspaper make the top
10? I think what the writers are trying to tell
us is that their paper protects the general
public from ... stuff, although as far as I can
see all it protects us from is not knowing about
what the Prime Minister said yesterday, how far
some stocks fell and whether Posh Spice went to
the dentist today or not. Or maybe we're supposed
to fold the paper into an origami man to put on
the doorstep and deter burglars.
IT WAS A FILM - Probably some cheesy
B-movie horror-like thingy. 'Little Jimmy (Haley
Joel Osment) thought life couldn't get any worse
when his parents were killed in a car crash ...
that was until he was adopted by a supermarket
cashier with a sinister past (Michael Douglas).
As his friends die one by one in suitably
crowd-pleasingly gory ways Jimmy knows the only
way to stop his evil guardian is to FACE HIS OWN
PAST. Starring Wil Wheaton as Bonko the
broadsheet high-brow affair, another name I
wouldn't really attach to a newspaper. What, so
the paper's independent? I beg to differ, papers
can be very dependent on readers and journalists
and editors and stuff. It's not like the
newspaper printing place for the Independent is
run by a bunch of artificial intelligences. Ooh
wait, maybe it is! A load of robots in an office
masquerading as people to slowly bring down the
human race and put them in labour camps! I can
see it all now, when one robot slips and the
headline for some editorial reads 'SHOUD THE
PRIME MINISTER EXTERMINATE ALL PUNY HUMANS GRR
GRR BUZZ !£&$£)$(!$*'. There's the movie
IT WAS A FILM - I dunno, I picture this
as one of those art housey chick flicky bollocky
film about some lone woman journeying to a place
she thought she'd never see again in order to
find ... HERSELF. Starring that chick from the
Emmanuelle movies. But no sex. Oh what the hell,
let's have some sex, it's art house! Lots of fast
oozing hard-core sex! Intercut with meaningful
images of roses and kittens! We can get away with
it 'cos it's art!
low-brow tabloids with similar names, so I
grouped 'em together. Well, these two always get
grouped together. They both sensationalise
trivial celebrity gossip, have pictures of nudey
girls on page 3, have great big red title pages
... you know the sort of thing I'm talking about.
Stupid names, too. "What's in the news
today, dad?" "I don't know, this paper
seems to be melting my face off." "It's
collapsing in on itself! Run for your lives!
Literature Black Hole!" Etc. Incidentally
The Sun is one of the most popular papers in
England (I hate you, general public!) owned by
Rupert Murdoch, famous Australian rich bastard.
That is, The Sun is owned by Rupert Murdoch, not
England. Or maybe he does, it's hard to tell, he
owns so bloody much.
THEY WERE A FILM - Gotta be sci-fi,
hasn't it. Sam Neill and ... that chick from
Species in THE STAR, in which a bunch of people
decide to find out if it's possible to walk on
the surface of a star and find some alien race of
fire monster thingies. Work it into a horror.
Films starting with 'The' are always either
horror or porn. Or am I thinking of books?
woo! Chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga
woo woo! Tabloid middlemarket affair, accused of
going downmarket since it was taken over by the
bloke who also owns The Star. Not a train.
Actually, to be fair, this paper's proper name is
the Daily Express, but Daily Express isn't as
good a name as The Express for a film. So,
what've trains got to do with news? Well, trains
have been in the news a lot here in England
recently, since every other one seems to be
crashing. But the Express was founded ages ago
before trains started going where they shouldn't.
Maybe whoever founded it has the gift of second
sight. If so, why didn't you warn us you bastard!
IT WAS A FILM - Horror. Or porn. See
previous entry. Either horror about some train
('a one-track ride to HELL!') full of dead people
or whatever, or some soft-core porn about two
strangers who meet on a train. Trains are a
rather bafflingly popular sub-genre of soft-core
porn, incidentally, not that I read much
soft-core porn aside from the national average of
fifteen bits a week.
getting bored of this idea. One more, I think.
downmarket paper that's trying very hard to
become middlemarket. And fair play to them for
trying, but they probably should ditch the big
red title and the punny headlines and the
occasional story about what celebrities have been
venturing outdoors recently if they truly want to
rise above all the other snot rags. Moving onto
the name. I'm not sure if we can liken the paper
to a mirror, as a mirror reflects the face of
whoever looks at it and the last time I checked I
didn't look much like Posh Spice. Maybe it's some
deep thing about a mirror reflecting stuff. I
dunno, if I ever make a newspaper I'm going to
call it 'News!' and fill half the pages with real
news about stuff people need to hear about and
the other half with dirty pictures. It'll
probably become the most popular paper in the
IT WAS A FILM - How about one of those
crap made-for-video fantasy affairs about kids
from the twentieth century who find this magic
mirror (woo) which can transport them into the
past or to some other world or Southampton. Why
not Southampton, eh? Why do all magic portals in
films and stuff have to lead to the past or the
future or some other world? Equal rights for all
magic portals, that's what I say!
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