the invention of Pokemon, franchise vultures
unknowingly combined two things that would appeal
most to children of today: cutesy wutesy Anime
... things, and bloody fights to the death. Some
people have publically slagged Pokemon off, but
only because they have Pokemon envy. We all have
Pokemon envy. And this is why.
question that no-one ever asks in the Pokemon
world is why that long-dead illustrious and
ethical human being, having created the
technology to store big things in very small
things, decided to use this gimmick the way he
did - storing potentially deadly ferocious
animals with magic powers in a little thingy that
you can hang off your belt. Because he wanted the
power, that's why. He wanted to know the ecstasy
of holding five deadly creatures round his waist.
He probably got off on that sort of thing, the
sick weirdo. Funny how we never see an episode of
Pokemon in which our heroes meet someone who gets
off on sticking his winkie in occupied Pokeballs.
Maybe the heroes themselves do. It was obviously
edited horrendously before put out for
international viewing. But you can grab a bootleg
tape off any Internet cartoon pornography site.
If you can speak and read Japanese.
a team of immensely powerful animals trained to
fight to the death secreted in your undergarments
holds considerable sway in a pub fight. It'd be
way cool to be sitting there sipping a Pina
Colada, then picking a fight with the nearest
slab of bully beef and his two biggest mates.
Once outside, you just wait for them to taunt you
about something, and then respond with something
along the lines of 'Oh yeah? Well I choose you,
Charizard!' and then sit back and watch the fun.
This would instantly give you a reputation as a
person with whom it is not wise to trifle. Then
you could behave really badly and park on double
yellow lines and stuff. Of course, there's also
the risk you'll go insane with power and use your
Pokemon to take over the world. Actually, 'risk'
isn't the right word. 'Benefit', perhaps.
Making a complete prick of yourself
Pokemon trainers are entitled to make arses of
themselves. There isn't much more enjoyable than
making an arse of yourself in front of people
you're never going to meet again. Whether you
have a reputation for getting overconfident when
battling people worryingly more relaxed than you,
or you have a penchant for whooping with delight
and punching the air in public places, or if half
your Pokemon just flatly refuse to do anything
you tell them to even when the entire future of
the universe depends on it, or if you're just a
complete idiot who only understands every other
sentence you're given, the sky's the limit when
it comes to behaving like a complete weirdo.
Being in close proximity to scantily-clad pretty
this could apply more to my upcoming 'Why it
would kick arse to be a male character in any
Anime/Manga production ever made ever' article.
But with slightly more relevance to Pokemon, you
could enhance your standing even further by
stuffing a few Pokeballs down the front of your
trousers and going around saying corny lines like
'Hey baby, wanna take a look at my Bulbasaur?'
This sort of ties in with the 'making a complete
prick of yourself' thing.
Having stupid hair
pots of gel and constant wearing of a hat doesn't
seem to help. It still sticks out impossibly in
little spikes front, left and centre, and quite
frankly people have been starting to wonder what
gender you're supposed to be. But who cares?
Having stupid hair, as well as making a complete
prick of yourself, is always hours of fun.
Nothing says 'complete prick' like someone
swanning about in the middle of a densely
populated area looking like they've fallen victim
to yet another badly aimed Thunderbolt Attack.
Which they inevitably have. And of course, stupid
hair is something of a status symbol in Pokemon.
Only an episode's main characters get stupid
hair. Everyone else just looks exactly the same.
Through no fault of their own, of course, but you
must face facts - in the world of stupid hair,
there are the 'haves' and the 'have-nots', and
with Pokemon it is immensely preferable to be in
the former category.
IT WOULDN'T KICK ARSE TO BE A POKEMON TRAINER
Having really big eyes that never close except
when displaying emotion
mote city. Ouch. Plus, if you're ever in a near
vicinity to glass breaking or a small, controlled
explosion, the chance of broken glass in the eye
is multiplied tenfold. If I ruled the Pokemon
universe, everyone would be given free eye-drops
and I'd pass a law saying that everyone has to
blink at least twice per minute. Mine would be a
Having to face up to the fact that someone will
eventually discover they can just shoot Pikachu
with a colt .357 and scoot around the tedious
pika!" BLAM! "Chu... (thump)"
updates - features - essays - reviews - comics - games - novels - about - contact - forum - links