With the invention of Pokemon, franchise vultures unknowingly combined two things that would appeal most to children of today: cutesy wutesy Anime ... things, and bloody fights to the death. Some people have publically slagged Pokemon off, but only because they have Pokemon envy. We all have Pokemon envy. And this is why.

1. Power, A

The question that no-one ever asks in the Pokemon world is why that long-dead illustrious and ethical human being, having created the technology to store big things in very small things, decided to use this gimmick the way he did - storing potentially deadly ferocious animals with magic powers in a little thingy that you can hang off your belt. Because he wanted the power, that's why. He wanted to know the ecstasy of holding five deadly creatures round his waist. He probably got off on that sort of thing, the sick weirdo. Funny how we never see an episode of Pokemon in which our heroes meet someone who gets off on sticking his winkie in occupied Pokeballs. Maybe the heroes themselves do. It was obviously edited horrendously before put out for international viewing. But you can grab a bootleg tape off any Internet cartoon pornography site. If you can speak and read Japanese.

2. Power, B

Having a team of immensely powerful animals trained to fight to the death secreted in your undergarments holds considerable sway in a pub fight. It'd be way cool to be sitting there sipping a Pina Colada, then picking a fight with the nearest slab of bully beef and his two biggest mates. Once outside, you just wait for them to taunt you about something, and then respond with something along the lines of 'Oh yeah? Well I choose you, Charizard!' and then sit back and watch the fun. This would instantly give you a reputation as a person with whom it is not wise to trifle. Then you could behave really badly and park on double yellow lines and stuff. Of course, there's also the risk you'll go insane with power and use your Pokemon to take over the world. Actually, 'risk' isn't the right word. 'Benefit', perhaps.

3. Making a complete prick of yourself

All Pokemon trainers are entitled to make arses of themselves. There isn't much more enjoyable than making an arse of yourself in front of people you're never going to meet again. Whether you have a reputation for getting overconfident when battling people worryingly more relaxed than you, or you have a penchant for whooping with delight and punching the air in public places, or if half your Pokemon just flatly refuse to do anything you tell them to even when the entire future of the universe depends on it, or if you're just a complete idiot who only understands every other sentence you're given, the sky's the limit when it comes to behaving like a complete weirdo.

4. Being in close proximity to scantily-clad pretty girls

Actually this could apply more to my upcoming 'Why it would kick arse to be a male character in any Anime/Manga production ever made ever' article. But with slightly more relevance to Pokemon, you could enhance your standing even further by stuffing a few Pokeballs down the front of your trousers and going around saying corny lines like 'Hey baby, wanna take a look at my Bulbasaur?' This sort of ties in with the 'making a complete prick of yourself' thing.

5. Having stupid hair

Three pots of gel and constant wearing of a hat doesn't seem to help. It still sticks out impossibly in little spikes front, left and centre, and quite frankly people have been starting to wonder what gender you're supposed to be. But who cares? Having stupid hair, as well as making a complete prick of yourself, is always hours of fun. Nothing says 'complete prick' like someone swanning about in the middle of a densely populated area looking like they've fallen victim to yet another badly aimed Thunderbolt Attack. Which they inevitably have. And of course, stupid hair is something of a status symbol in Pokemon. Only an episode's main characters get stupid hair. Everyone else just looks exactly the same. Through no fault of their own, of course, but you must face facts - in the world of stupid hair, there are the 'haves' and the 'have-nots', and with Pokemon it is immensely preferable to be in the former category.


1. Having really big eyes that never close except when displaying emotion

Dust mote city. Ouch. Plus, if you're ever in a near vicinity to glass breaking or a small, controlled explosion, the chance of broken glass in the eye is multiplied tenfold. If I ruled the Pokemon universe, everyone would be given free eye-drops and I'd pass a law saying that everyone has to blink at least twice per minute. Mine would be a benign dictatorship.

2. Having to face up to the fact that someone will eventually discover they can just shoot Pikachu with a colt .357 and scoot around the tedious being-electrocuted bit

"Pika pika!" BLAM! "Chu... (thump)"

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