would seem that this is the first kick arse
article in which there is a slight possibility
that I may one day become the subject of my
rambling, however unlikely that may be. Alright,
so there's still the matter of my being an
atheist, but I have faith that I will be able to
combat this. Honestly.
more in the theme of 'why it would kick arse to
be the current pope', being a doddering old git
has considerable benefits. Unless you're living
alone or something, in which case it's a pain in
the arse, but when you're head of the Roman
Catholic Church, it's a blast! Remember that your
every word is noted down by Christians around the
world. Imagine how much more interesting
catholicism would be if half the Pope's speeches
went along the lines of 'What? What? Mm. Who's
this? Where's my tea?' or similar. Of course, you
have to wonder how the current pope would deal
with the second coming of Jesus.
I have returned, gentle mortals!
Mr. Pope! We have a special visitor for you!
Mm? What? Who're you?
I'm your advisor of 30 years, Mr. Pope. And look
who's returned to Earth this morning!
Be excellent to each other!
What? Who's this young whippersnapper?
Er ... this is Jesus Christ, our lord. Remember?
He died for all our sins?
What? I didn't vote for him. Can't stand hippies.
Tell him to cut his hair.
I'm very sorry about this, Mr. Christ.
You wait 'till my dad hears about this.
Living in a huge palace
I think of the Vatican and the doddering old Pope
together I always imagine him going through
second childhood syndrome and pedalling furiously
on a plastic tricycle down the immaculately clean
corridors, making 'Brrrrm! Brrrrm!' noises
between his lips. I then go a little further and
imagine bishops and things diving out of the way,
and the pope wearing his little pope hat and
making screeching noises as he turns corners.
Then he'd bump into someone's ladder and they'd
fall to their deaths. Someone should film that.
It'd be great. It'd be like an incredibly ironic
version of the Omen.
Being head of a major religion
Pope is next in line to God. Anything he says
about catholicism goes without argument. If, for
instance, he ate lime jelly on a Thursday and
enjoyed it very much, he could theoretically
declare lime jelly a sacred object and mark every
Thursday as a day when all Catholics had to eat
lime jelly. A small cult might grow up where
people only eat lime jelly and baptise children
in huge vats of the stuff. If he was sitting on
his balcony making a big speech to a huge crowd
he could suddenly burst into a song from The
Sound of Music and everyone would have to join
in, thinking that God loves Judy Garland.
he did kill someone with his plastic tricycle he
wouldn't get locked up or anything. No, they'd
mark it 'Knock People Off Ladders Day' and
introduce a festival where people parade around
Rome on plastic tricycles and ladders. And if I
was Pope, I'd look down on all those people doing
exactly what I tell them to, and I'd laugh. I'd
laugh like the maniac I am.
you get to decide who becomes a saint. That'd
rock! If I was Pope I'd mark every even date as
'St Yahtzee's Day' and every odd date as 'St
Bruce Campbell's Day'. It would bring a whole new
irony to Ash Wednesday.
Being close friends with a major deity
always cringe at those scenes in films where kids
get bullied by older kids with quiffs and leather
jackets. And I always enjoy the bits where the
kids bring their older brothers over and get them
to beat the bullies to a bloody pulp on the
floor. Now, imagine the bullied kids being the
Pope and imagine the older brother being God. Bit
hard to get your head round, isn't it. But it's
true! The Pope has a direct line to the almighty.
The first three buttons on his automatic dialler
are labelled 'The Father', 'The Son' and 'The
Holy Ghost'. If that was true you wouldn't dare
touch the old bastard! Except God doesn't beat
people to a bloody pulp on the floor, he just
smites them. 'Smite' is a special word which
means 'beat people to a bloody pulp on the floor'
if you're God.
IT WOULDN'T KICK ARSE TO BE THE POPE
you hear about the statement the Pope made a few
years back saying 'there will be no sex in
heaven'? Did you remember how disappointed you
were if you did? Well, the Pope doesn't
understand the problem, 'cos he doesn't know what
an orgasm is. From birth he's raised to the
belief that there's no such thing as sex and
people are brought by the stork, or at least
grown organically in special modified bean pods
in the Vatican gardens. Obviously he found out
about sex eventually, assumed it was evil, and
said there wouldn't be any in heaven. Bastard!
Holy Ghost replaces phone. God emerges from a
room, doing up his belt)
Who was that on the phone?
GHOST: The Pope. He wanted to know if there's any
sex up here.
(laughs) And you said?
GHOST: I said, 'It's Heaven, you old twat, it's
paradise, what do you think?'
Dad! HG! The Pope's been going round saying
there's no sex up here!
What! But we're at it like knives 24/7! If the
public thinks there's no sex they won't want to
come here anymore!
GHOST: That doddering old git! I'm gonna go smite
No! We must preach a message of peace and
and HG exchange looks)
Go clean your room, young man.
(to Holy Ghost) I'm gonna go back in my harem for
a few hours. You try and sort this mess up. And
take that sheet off your head!
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