you've never seen Red Dwarf, then you might as
well click the 'back' button now and forget it,
you have no hope of understanding this article.
Actually, if you've never seen Red Dwarf, what
the hell are you doing surfing the Net?
you have seen Red Dwarf, you're probably
wondering something along the lines of
"WHAT? Arnold J. Rimmer? The same
emotionally crippled, underappreciated, above all
DEAD Arnold J. Rimmer? It would kick arse to be
HIM? Are we talking about the same guy?"
Well yes, we are talking about the same guy
(unless there's some other Arnold J. Rimmer I
don't know about, which seems unlikely, as he'll
have changed his name long ago to end the jokes),
and yes, it would kick arse to be him. Here's
Being a hologram
arguably he wasn't a hologram in series 8. Let's
discount that for now. He did get a hard-light
drive in series 6 which made him solid and
indestructible, which kicks arse on its own, but
what I want to talk about is why it would kick
arse to be the pre-series 6, non-solid hologram.
I mean, think about it. I don't know why it never
occurred to our Arnie, but surely everyone has
dreamed of having an X-files-like ability to walk
through walls. You could hide in solid objects,
wait for your crewmates to come by, and then leap
out going BLEEERRRGH!!!! And with a little
adjustment to your projection disc, you could
make your face melt as you did so. Ho, ho, ho!
You could also climb up into a wall and stick
your head out to look like one of those stuffed
and mounted animal heads to scare the shite out
of anyone who brought home classy friends.
Being a hologram, part two (actually I
have so much cool stuff on being a hologram I'm
bleeding it into two reasons)
if you could rig up a device to alternate your
form between hard and soft light at the touch of
a button, you could become a superhero! There's a
man lost in a hedge maze? A bank robber has
locked himself in the time-locked vault with
fifteen hostages? You've been buried alive? No
problem! Bullets bounce off/go through him! He
can tear down walls with a single badly-thrown
blow! He's very good at Risk! (Cue seventies
B-movie music) BAM BA BA! Bam bam bam bam BAM BA
BA! By day, mild mannered Arnold Rimmer, space
corpse! Whukka chakka whukka chakka chakka chakka
whukka chakka BAM BA BA! BAM BA! But when duty
calls, Arnie can leap behind a dressing screen
and emerge, several minutes later, as WALK
THROUGH WALLS MAN! Whukka chakka BAM BA whukka
chakka BA! Whukka chakka BAM BA whukka chakka BA!
Starring John Rugged as Arnold Rimmer! Whukka
chakka - etc. That's a working title, obviously.
Getting all the girls
have every episode of Red Dwarf on tape (I'm that
sad) and, through thorough dissection, I can
honestly say that he gets more sex than any of
the others. I think the writers felt sorry for
the actor, to be honest. "OK Chris, remember
during this scene that you're totally intangible,
so try not to touch anything in a way that those
anally-retentive fans will spot and post up on
the Internet, k? Do this for us and we'll make
sure you get loads of sex". Makes sense. I
mean, quite apart from that one episode of series
8 where he gets to have his way with every girl
at a dinner party, there's that Crane woman from
series 5, his female equivalent from the parallel
universe and... er ... actually that's about it,
but it's still more than everyone else. Well,
Lister got it on with a few aliens, but I don't
think we should count those for the sake of
Rimmer's dead. He's quite open about this fact.
Now, there's a certain breed of male that other
men envy and women swoon over who like to discuss
exactly how much pain they've gone through in
their lives. Nothing opens legs like braving
through intolerable suffering. So if Rimmer ever
found himself in that sort of grouping, this
GUY: Well, I once woke up during a serious
prostate operation. It felt like my 'nads were
going through a bacon slicer.
GUY: Well, I once actually did put my 'nads
through a bacon slicer, while chewing on a
mouthful of razor blades and penetrating my skull
with a diamond-tipped industrial drill. AND I
woke up during the subsequent lobotomy.
Oooooooooh! And how about you?
Well, I was hit in the face with a nuclear
explosion. Then, in my death throes, I got broken
glass in my arm. Then I died, and was reduced to
Oooooooooooooooooooooh! We love Rimmer best!
course, there's always the risk that the burly
men will gang up on Rimmer later on in the gents,
but on the other hand, he is WALK THROUGH WALLS
MAN! He'd just go into a complicated Bruce Lee
fight sequence and kick arses from here to
Tanganiyka! So that's an advantage of being dead.
It's a terribly impressive chat-up line.
Being the character mature, deep people like best
a little known fact that you can gauge a person's
personality by which character they like best in
Red Dwarf. Cat, who could well be a cartoon
character, is liked only by the shallow. Kryten
is popular mainly due to his silly voice. Lister
is popular amongst people who relate with him.
But people who like Rimmer tend to be emotional,
thoughtful and extremely worthy of beautiful
members of the opposite sex offering their bodies
to them. Here's a handy chart.
- Shallow, immature people
Kryten - Shallow, mature people
Lister - Deep, immature people
Rimmer - Deep, mature people who deserve lots of
sex, even if they don't get it. Sigh.
do YOU fit?
IT WOULDN'T KICK ARSE TO BE ARNOLD J. RIMMER
nope, can't think of anything. So stop whining,
Arnie mate, you've got it made. Just stop boring
everyone to death with your Risk stories and your
telegraph poles, and start planning for April
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