me make it clear right now that I hate doing
articles and things in theme with current events.
Such things as Christmas and Halloween usually
pass without hearing a peep from me and my comic
strip. I don't even celebrate Christmas as
Christmas, as I think this Christ fella should
just get over himself. I celebrate the midwinter
Saturnalia. It's all part of being a
non-conformist. I do so long to be a
non-conformist, like all the really cool people
since I haven't done a kick arse article in a
while and because Father Christmas would make a
good subject for one, I'm doing this now. Rest
assured I could do this one in June if I felt
was originally gonna call it 'why it would kick
arse to be Santa Claus' but I know Chefelf likes
me to use British terms, just to remind everyone
how quaint we limeys are.
Getting all the cool stuff first
kids ask for teddies or toy soldiers for
Christmas (Saturnalia) anymore, it's all
clamouring for Playstation 2s and Tickle-Me-Elmo
dolls. We hear stories every year of parents
getting into mass punch-ups in department stores,
fighting over the last of this year's hot
prezzies demanded by their mewling kiddies, but
Santa doesn't have this problem! They all get
manufactured in his hideout in the North Pole,
above such petty things as copyright laws, to
allegedly send out to children all over the world
except in non-Christian countries. Just imagine
being able to use everyone's Christmas presents
first and calling it product testing! There's not
much fun to be had with Action Men I admit but a
Playstation 2 would be very nice, and perhaps the
aforementioned Tickle-Me-Elmos would be good
marital aids for Saint Nick and the missus. You
just have to hope that the eventual recipient
doesn't notice that it's all sticky.
Being fond of children
don't know about you, but I hate kids. I hate
every last one of the selfish uneducated brats.
If it were up to me (and eventually it probably
will be) everyone would be kept in special
isolation tanks until the age of 15, where all
human knowledge is uploaded into their spongy
youthful minds subliminally. All children born to
revolutionaries who escaped the government system
will be hunted down by troopers on horseback and
impaled on spikes in front of the government
building as a warning to all who would question
my establishment (sleep well tonight, kiddies).
But sometimes I think I would like to know what
it's like to actually like children. To be able
to give them big hugs and go 'ho ho ho' without
twitching slightly and fingering the .44 in my
shoulder holster. Then I shrug, and get back to
skinning giant pandas.
Getting all the chicks
women are to be believed when they fill in forms
at dating agencies, they like sensitive men in
touch with their feminine sides who would make
good fathers. Well, girls, look no further than
jolly old Father Christmas! He brings toys to
every single (christian) child on Earth for no
better reason than to imagine their little faces
light up when they rip off the wrapping and
discover the AK47 rifle with silencer and sniper
scope. Oh wait, my mistake, that's what Santa
NEVER BRINGS ME EVERY FLIPPIN' YEAR. Well, he did
last year, but he forgot to supply 30.06
ammunition. Bastard. Anyway, yes, chicks dig
Santa. [begin list of sophomoric puns] I bet he'd
find a place up the chimney of any woman. He's
certainly good at filling their stockings.
Trouble is, he wouldn't be much good as a lover
as he can only come once a year. [end list of
sophomoric puns]. Glad we got that out of the
don't think Santa really understands the immense
potential his work system has for terrorism on a
global scale. He can climb down chimneys and
infiltrate houses silently to leave little
packages behind! Plus no-one would bother him if
he was spotted.
HOUSE SECURITY: Freeze! Who're you?
FATHER CHRISTMAS: It's me! Santa! Ho ho ho! Come
to give a little present to the President and his
WHITE HOUSE SECURITY: Oh. Cool. Carry on.
FATHER CHRISTMAS: It's a carriage clock. That
explains why it is ticking.
think he should hire himself out as an
international mercenary! A vigilante! A freedom
fighter! All the world leaders could add in their
Christmas letters who they want assassinated!
Yeah! Make a film out of it! 'Santa Claus: Urban
Commando'. The tagline could be 'You'd better
have been good this year ...' or something
equally pretentious. If anyone wants to buy this
idea off me mail me, but I won't take anything
less than fifty grand and a Tickle-Me-Elmo doll.
IT WOULDN'T KICK ARSE TO BE FATHER CHRISTMAS
existing is a bit of an old bugger, isn't it? You
can't vote or own property or even get a job if
you don't exist. You think the New York bums have
it bad, spare a thought for the poor guys who
don't even exist. Plus, with Santa, you have to
watch the poor little children grow older and
become disillusioned when they realise that it's
mum and dad who scoff the sherry and the mince
pie, not him. I hope you're proud of yourself,
Christ! Look at what this damn festival of yours
has done to all the children of the world! You
make me want to puke!
Having to appear in those awful twee Coca-Cola
if this is the same elsewhere but in England last
night I saw an example of this year's Coca-Cola
santa adverts. Two little giggly twee children
watch as Santa finds the bottle of Coke they've
left for him. Then he notices them and they run
in to give him a hug. I don't think there are
enough bags in the world to contain all the vomit
this will probably produce, nor enough bullets in
the world to punish whoever came up with it.
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