Let me make it clear right now that I hate doing articles and things in theme with current events. Such things as Christmas and Halloween usually pass without hearing a peep from me and my comic strip. I don't even celebrate Christmas as Christmas, as I think this Christ fella should just get over himself. I celebrate the midwinter Saturnalia. It's all part of being a non-conformist. I do so long to be a non-conformist, like all the really cool people are.

But since I haven't done a kick arse article in a while and because Father Christmas would make a good subject for one, I'm doing this now. Rest assured I could do this one in June if I felt like it.

I was originally gonna call it 'why it would kick arse to be Santa Claus' but I know Chefelf likes me to use British terms, just to remind everyone how quaint we limeys are.

1. Getting all the cool stuff first

No kids ask for teddies or toy soldiers for Christmas (Saturnalia) anymore, it's all clamouring for Playstation 2s and Tickle-Me-Elmo dolls. We hear stories every year of parents getting into mass punch-ups in department stores, fighting over the last of this year's hot prezzies demanded by their mewling kiddies, but Santa doesn't have this problem! They all get manufactured in his hideout in the North Pole, above such petty things as copyright laws, to allegedly send out to children all over the world except in non-Christian countries. Just imagine being able to use everyone's Christmas presents first and calling it product testing! There's not much fun to be had with Action Men I admit but a Playstation 2 would be very nice, and perhaps the aforementioned Tickle-Me-Elmos would be good marital aids for Saint Nick and the missus. You just have to hope that the eventual recipient doesn't notice that it's all sticky.

2. Being fond of children

I don't know about you, but I hate kids. I hate every last one of the selfish uneducated brats. If it were up to me (and eventually it probably will be) everyone would be kept in special isolation tanks until the age of 15, where all human knowledge is uploaded into their spongy youthful minds subliminally. All children born to revolutionaries who escaped the government system will be hunted down by troopers on horseback and impaled on spikes in front of the government building as a warning to all who would question my establishment (sleep well tonight, kiddies). But sometimes I think I would like to know what it's like to actually like children. To be able to give them big hugs and go 'ho ho ho' without twitching slightly and fingering the .44 in my shoulder holster. Then I shrug, and get back to skinning giant pandas.

3. Getting all the chicks

If women are to be believed when they fill in forms at dating agencies, they like sensitive men in touch with their feminine sides who would make good fathers. Well, girls, look no further than jolly old Father Christmas! He brings toys to every single (christian) child on Earth for no better reason than to imagine their little faces light up when they rip off the wrapping and discover the AK47 rifle with silencer and sniper scope. Oh wait, my mistake, that's what Santa NEVER BRINGS ME EVERY FLIPPIN' YEAR. Well, he did last year, but he forgot to supply 30.06 ammunition. Bastard. Anyway, yes, chicks dig Santa. [begin list of sophomoric puns] I bet he'd find a place up the chimney of any woman. He's certainly good at filling their stockings. Trouble is, he wouldn't be much good as a lover as he can only come once a year. [end list of sophomoric puns]. Glad we got that out of the way.

4. Terrorism

I don't think Santa really understands the immense potential his work system has for terrorism on a global scale. He can climb down chimneys and infiltrate houses silently to leave little packages behind! Plus no-one would bother him if he was spotted.

WHITE HOUSE SECURITY: Freeze! Who're you?
FATHER CHRISTMAS: It's me! Santa! Ho ho ho! Come to give a little present to the President and his family!
FATHER CHRISTMAS: It's a carriage clock. That explains why it is ticking.

I think he should hire himself out as an international mercenary! A vigilante! A freedom fighter! All the world leaders could add in their Christmas letters who they want assassinated! Yeah! Make a film out of it! 'Santa Claus: Urban Commando'. The tagline could be 'You'd better have been good this year ...' or something equally pretentious. If anyone wants to buy this idea off me mail me, but I won't take anything less than fifty grand and a Tickle-Me-Elmo doll.


1. Not existing

Not existing is a bit of an old bugger, isn't it? You can't vote or own property or even get a job if you don't exist. You think the New York bums have it bad, spare a thought for the poor guys who don't even exist. Plus, with Santa, you have to watch the poor little children grow older and become disillusioned when they realise that it's mum and dad who scoff the sherry and the mince pie, not him. I hope you're proud of yourself, Christ! Look at what this damn festival of yours has done to all the children of the world! You make me want to puke!

2. Having to appear in those awful twee Coca-Cola adverts

Dunno if this is the same elsewhere but in England last night I saw an example of this year's Coca-Cola santa adverts. Two little giggly twee children watch as Santa finds the bottle of Coke they've left for him. Then he notices them and they run in to give him a hug. I don't think there are enough bags in the world to contain all the vomit this will probably produce, nor enough bullets in the world to punish whoever came up with it.

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