have a Hotmail account. Yes, startling revelation
I know. The thing is though, I only got it so I
can use MSN, so I never check the mail I get from
it. This also means that no-one in the whole
world knows my hotmail address.
it would seem, the spam merchants.
should never have to check my Hotmail inbox, I
know I'm not going to get anything worthwhile,
but the constant reminders whenever I get onto
MSN that my inbox contains 153 billion unread
messages kind of irks my tidy mind, so I have to
go in and delete the whole bally lot of them.
This does so piss me off. I'm so pissed off with
the whole thing I think I'll take a few examples
and take the piss out of them. Enjoy.
>Subject : CONGRATULATIONS! YOU WON!!!
I think, is the most recent mail I got,
utilising, as you can clearly see, devious
tactics to grab my attention. The 'mike_sullivan'
address makes me think this came from a genuine
person as opposed to a steam-powered
spam-distributing machine, and the
'CONGRATULATIONS! YOU WON!!!' part would surely
catch my eye if I had entered any competitions in
the recent past. However, since I haven't entered
any competitions in the recent past, and since I
don't know anyone who uses three exclamation
marks in a row, I was not fooled.
FREE MEMBERSHIP, FREE VACATION, AND FREE CELL
for a secure and legitimate online home business?
>One that WILL bring steady, dependable
>EVERY month and in the shortest amount of
how does the free vacation and cell phone come
into this again?
about if we gave you info on a FREE VACATION and
>FREE CELL PHONE just for looking over our
>about this terrific opportunity to work from
>your own boss?"
a GREAT OFFER!"
kinds of undermines the statement that they had
to say this themselves. Put these in the words of
some other bloke and you've got your very own
infomercial, but say it yourself and it just
seems ridiculous. This is like Paul McCartney
saying "Yes, I believe Paul McCartney's
latest album is quite brilliant."
>Subject : Get all the women you want easily
that kind of impersonal e-mail address that just
stops me from adhering to these people. They
should take some lessons from Mr. mike_sullivan,
Supply And Selling Out Fast
This POTENT Pheromone Formula That Helps Attract
Already Figured It Attracts Women, MATEY, You
Told Me Twice In Your Return Address And Subject
LINE. And Ease Off The Capital LETTERS. It should
be noted that I have turned on the Spam filters
on my MSN inbox and this lot still made it
through, so either the filters don't work or
they're very easily fooled.
of all its exacting and expensive ingredients,
>Pheromone Concentrate cannot be
>Only a limited supply is left and it may not
be available weeks from now.
>It's selling out at a record pace, re-orders
are flooding in."
well, suppose I'd better place an immediate order
for your particular brand of funny-smelling
deodorant if they're flying off the shelves this
fast. Something tells me that either this
company's CEO and all his mates have boxes full
of the stuff in their garages, or they're lying
through their extremely attractive teeth.
lose out. Get all the women you want easily,
>excite your mate like never
my mate? What am I now, a panda? I don't know,
something tells me that if you really had
discovered the secret of making women fall at
your feet then you wouldn't want to share it. I
certainly wouldn't, but then I've obviously got a
worse code of ethics than the spam people. Damn,
that depresses me.
>Subject : RE: your inquiry
I'm sure I would've remembered inquiring about
something to someone called Yourresponse. Is that
an eastern european name?
were referred to me today as someone who is
>a financial miracle. If this is true please
continue - I promise
>this will be worth your time!"
I'm not so much seeking a financial miracle as I
am seeking money. I suppose I'd quite like it if
a huge bag of money materialised in front of me,
and that sort of counts as a financial miracle,
so yes, I'm seeking a financial miracle. This
means I can now read on. I feel so priveleged.
Also, please tell me who referred me to you so I
can strike him or her off my Christmas card list.
can help you make $2,000. per week from your HOME
>your computer and phone. This is not some
scam or mlm opportunity.
you Serious about earning an excellant income at
>starting Right Away with a simple system
where people contact you?"
there was me thinking this was a scam. It clearly
isn't, look! He says it isn't! I wasn't actually
thinking this was an mlm opportunity, mainly
because I don't know what an mlm opportunity is.
Maximum Lasagna Man? Sounds like a superhero!
Maximum Lasagna Man! Scourge of wrongdoers! The
mightiest pasta-based dish in all Italy!
yes, I am Serious about earning an 'excellant'
income, starting Right Away. Does this require
this does not require any selling."
we are accepting new team members at this time.
>train you thoroughly. In addition, we are
willing to provide you with
>Advertising Assistance to virtually insure
the hell is Advertising Assistance? Is that where
you get someone to walk around with you and point
out all the advertising posters? Or is this
assisting me advertise something? Well, I don't
know, I suppose I could erect a big sign to hold
up saying "I am Yahtzee, and I'm
brilliant". I suppose I could do with
someone to help me paint it.
is not required. However, you must have a serious
>for personal success."
have a feeling they meant to capitalise the word
'serious' in this sentence but the retarded man
they have to type this stuff up missed. Or maybe
they have some computer program to randomly pick
words to jam capital letters on. Either way,
there's really no excuse for adding the capital
to the word 'Desire' in this case, unless they
were talking about the character from Neil
Gaiman's Sandman books. Somehow I doubt that.
Mr Poopoohead at 1-800-CON-RTST Anytime" [phone number and contact
name censored by management]
like that 'Anytime' thing. Makes me want to stay
up 'til three in the morning and ring them just
to see if they're as desperate as I think they
are. Well, it all sounds very tempting so I think
I might - hey - wait a minute! That looks like an
American phone number! Gah. That's my chances of
making 2000 smackers a week blown out of the
water. Aren't they supposed to check these
>Subject : hi there
Christ, do my eyes deceive me? Is this really a
mail from ... MYSELF? Good lord! Perhaps it's a
version of me sending a message from the future
trying to warn me! Wait a sec ... I always use
capital letters and punctuation even in my
subject lines! My future self must have had an
accident that damaged his brain!
at the mail, it would seem my future self wants
me to go on holiday somewhere. Perhaps my house
is going to explode. I dunno about you but this
is the first piece of spam mail that I've ever
paid much attention to! Man this has freaked me
out. I'd better go and pack my bags.
- ONE DAY LATER - House still hasn't exploded.
Good sign. Going to the Cayman Islands next week.
Received another mail from my future self telling
me to go see him and all his girlfriends play
around in the shower at
www.hotsexyschoolgirlslutwhores.com. It would
appear in the future that I turn into a woman.
Sounds like fun. I'll keep you posted.]
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