Hello my people, comrades and bosom friends. I wish to talk to you about a problem that I feel affects us all.

The other day I was enjoying a doughnut and a coke in a cafe when I noticed something curious. I saw a mother with two girls of fairly young age (although their sex is not relevant to my point), definitely younger than 10, waiting in line to buy their meal. I know this because I was standing next to them in the queue, bravely ignoring their excited yells and tiresome escapades. It was with some gratitude that I paid for my food and left them far behind, but as I watched, I saw the girls, full as they were with the idealism of youth, claimed three whole tables for their purpose, one for each member of the party. This is not what astounded me, though. When the mother brought their meal across to them, she went along with their little game.

Now, perhaps you need to appreciate how crowded the cafe was to understand my bother, but this to my mind was not acceptable behaviour, especially when so many people would require a seat in the near future. Had that been me when I was their age I would've been chastised for being so naughty, why was the mother tolerating this?

Now, regular readers will know exactly how much I detest children, so obviously I cannot be swayed by their mask of cuteness. I hear a new story on the news every day about youngsters killing and vandalising and being generally nasty, and I believe I now know why. We've gone soft on them. We're trying to show the vicious little bastards understanding, and it's just not working, guys! Smacking children nowadays is illegal in this country. What's insane is that a father who smacked his child for being naughty not too long ago was jailed, while thugs as young as ten run amok in the streets!

The world is being taken over by youths who have never been taught right from wrong properly. I feel very strongly about this subject as you can no doubt tell. My belief that we should stop being so bloody understanding goes right down to the bottom of the heart that beats within my breast. You may say that my comments aren't politically correct, that I'm making an arse of myself, that I'm making dreadful social boobs. All I can say is, someone has to say this!

These bad schoolboys, and even to a lesser extent naughty schoolgirls, have no respect at all for their society, brought up being allowed to do what they want without fear of punishment. "Screw this world!" they say. "Sod etiquette! Fuck authority! Blow jobs!", full of self-importance like the feathered cock that struts about the farmyard. They need to know how hard it can be in this world. I should know that they don't just hand jobs out to anyone. I propose we hammer this knowledge into them smartly by reintroducing what was recently outlawed.

Yes, my friends, I say we must BRING BACK SPANKING!

Old people are forever complaining about how the world was much more civilised when they were young. Why is this? Because in their day they were rigorously spanked for their indiscretions! Politically incorrect it may be. Corporal punishment it may be. But when I look at what the kids of today have become I say it is well worth it. They must all be spanked, even troublesome teenagers, just to show how easily we can strip their dignity from them.

At this point I must apologise to the people using search engines to find porn who I have shamelessly lured to this essay. I know how frustrating using a search engine can be, but I think you'll agree my cause is worth underhand tactics. If you're not interested in my words, then fine. Just read out all the words in bold type in a lusty staccato manner while vigorously masturbating and that should be enough for you.

So if you agree with my sentiments, please feel free to make use of the following graphic. Together, my friends, we can give these naughty youths exactly what they deserve!

Charming, isn't it.

updates - features - essays - reviews - comics - games - novels - about - contact - forum - links


All material not otherwise credited by Ben 'Yahtzee' Croshaw
Copyright 2002-2004 All Rights Reserved so HANDS OFF, PIKEY