FIGHTING THE GOOD
may remember my recent article in which I
elaborately explained the need to bring back
spanking. Well, not having received much support
from many quarters in my holy quest, I decided to
take my argument higher. To this end I wrote to
my area's Member of Parliament, a Mr. Andy King,
with the following letter. Hold onto your horses,
we're getting in way over our head now.
Andy "Rugby and Kenilworth are my
don't know me but let me assure you I am one of
your constituents. No, really. I live in Rugby.
Draw on my face and send me to Djibouti if I tell
a lie. I write weekly articles for the humour
website LanceandEskimo.com, which is run by
people who, through no fault of their own, are
American, or American-Canadian hybrids, but I am
nonetheless British. It's part of my spiel if you
will. So you don't know me and I don't know you.
Until I decided to write to my MP I wouldn't have
known who you are. I keep myself detached from
politics, mainly because it's so fupping dreary.
Not that I think you're dreary, Andy, I don't
know you that well, but judging from the picture
of you I found on EPolitix.com, I wouldn't say
that you're exactly Johnny Dangerous.
you'd better listen to me, 'cos (a) I'm 18, and
we all know how much you New Labour jobbies want
to get in touch with us young whippersnappers,
and (b) I have the answer to our country's
face it, today's youth is running riot. I can't
read the paper nowadays without hearing about
more vicious crimes committed by these thuggish
kiddies and getting away with it 'cos we're
trying to show them understanding and get through
to them. BZZ! Doesn't work, Andy. Little bastards
as young as 10 are running amok. Pretty soon
we'll see toddlers fleeing from broken
storefronts loaded down with Teletubbies
merchandise, and possibly even foetuses with
switchblades attacking abortion doctors. Kids are
hardly the innocent little scamps they once were.
They're vicious, psychotic little sadists who
have to be taught how to behave. If we want to
get through to them, we need to be vicious
psychotic sadists ourselves. Know what that
not just saying we should relax the laws on
parents doing it to their own kids. I'm saying we
should empower the police to deal them out as
they see fit. Even tearaway teenagers should be
put over someone's knee and have their bottoms
reddened until the very thought of ram-raiding
causes a twinge in the posterior. "Even
small children?" I hear you cry.
"Especially small children!" I cry
back. Small children love being cruel to each
other. They need to have right and wrong drummed
into them from an early age. Stern talking-tos
are only threatening if the promise of spanking
is in the subtext, and if spanking's not allowed
then they don't work!
you must agree my argument is sound! Now get back
to me so we can discuss a plan of action!
'Yahtzee' 'Damn, I'm smooth' Croshaw
Does Tony appreciate feedback? 'Cos as PMs go, I
think he's doing shit.
that was the letter I sent. And would you believe
it, not one week later I got a reply!* Here's the
letter I received**:
No I didn't.
** Made up.
you for your [INCREDIBLY INSIGHTFUL] letter.
[I HAVE ANAL WARTS, BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE]
smacking children is [A BRILLIANT IDEA, WE ALL
WISH WE'D THOUGHT OF IT HERE AT 'THE HOUSE', WE
ARE IN YOUR DEBT. WHAT ON EARTH WERE WE THINKING
WHEN WE MADE IT] illegal, [WE MUST HAVE BEEN
DRUNK ON POWER OR SOME SHIT! WHOOPS, MUSTN'T SAY
THAT, IT'S CONTROVERSIAL] and politically
incorrect. There are other, less [BRILLIANT AND
FOOLISHLY LESS] violent ways to make unruly
children behave which [NEVER] work, so your
argument is [SHEER GENIUS. INCIDENTALLY I THINK
FLARED TROUSERS ARE] obsolete.
must warn you that [WE MIGHT WANT TO MAKE YOU
PRIME MINISTER BECAUSE THE CURRENT ONE'S A
COMPLETE NO-HOPER!] your letter [WAS THE
HIGHLIGHT OF OUR DAY, FRANKLY, AND] has been
passed on to [THE QUEEN, WHO HAS BEEN THINKING
ABOUT GIVING YOU A KNIGHTHOOD! SHE ESPECIALLY
AGREES WITH YOUR IDEA TO EMPOWER] the police
[WITH THE OPTION TO SPANK CHILDREN! THANK YOU SO
The prime minister appreciates your comments [YOU
HOT, SEXY MAN].
don't know about you, but I call that a pretty
positive response! See you next week, kids!
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