[This article was written before the birth of Fully Ramblomatic, during Star Wars week at Lance and Eskimo]

I've always been the outsider on this website. Living on a different continent was a fairly bad start. Not going to see Bruce Campbell didn't do me any favours. And now, with Star Wars week upon me and a relevant article required for the Friday slot I have to confess that I'm not as big an enthusiast into the subject as the other Redclouders. I've only seen the three original films once each while doing something else at the time and I've never seen Episode One (a sound idea, I have been told) But being on the internet and being surrounded by nerds almost 24/7 I have of course picked up this and that from various sources, so in keeping with the other articles that have been up this week I'm going to pick apart what little I do know. Bear with me on this.

So, what do I know about Star Wars?

1. Darth Vader dresses like a gothic dildo

As kickarse as Darth Vader looks to the connoisseur of long swishy black garments and funny masks, I really have to wonder how he took to the habit of dressing up like that. I mean, I sort of gather that he has bronchitis or something and he needs the mask to breathe with, but is that really the mask his doctor gave him? Is that medical standard? If so, then surely there'd be other people wearing them, most likely in old folk's homes. Then when he got the mask that renowned fashion leader obviously thought "Hell, big black mask, doesn't really go with my Hawaiian shirt, I'll have to wear a big black cloak and stuff too". Alternatively the doctor only gave him an asthma inhaler and he said "Look, bitch, do I look like the kind of warlord who carries around an asthma inhaler? I want a big black one that goes over my whole head to match this big black cloak and shit I found in a charity shop." I dunno, seems like he was running a big risk with that kind of fashion statement. There's a fine line between looking evil and looking like a novelty condom.

2. The Force

Ah, the Force. Is there anything this mysterious stuff can't do? It can hypnotize people, make their throats close up, make you really handy with light sabres, make things float, make dead people come back as perfectly coherent ghosts and apply deck sealant to most wooden surfaces. And apparently there's a light side to the force and a dark side. All the cool kids in Jedi school go for the dark side of the force, all hanging around in malls wearing black fishnet tights on their arms with their faces painted white while listening to Marilyn Manson, acting all superior and closing each other's throats. The light side is for those wussy kids who grass everyone up to the Jedi teachers, always come in from lunch at the exact right time and can put up with having their heads stuck down toilets. And if all the light side Jedis have to do to make someone do what they want is wiggle their fingers, why didn't they just do that to Darth Vader right from the start and go back to bed? That probably wouldn't have been sporting enough for those goody-goody poofters.

3. C3P0 was camp

He was quite screamingly camp so that leads to the usual obvious conclusion that he was a screaming homo robo. How does that work? I didn't know it was possible to programme machines to love, let alone love their fellow man. Maybe I'm just being a pervert but you have to wonder why he hung around R2D2 so much, that suspiciously phallic little droid with all the extendable probes. And why did he obey humans unquestionably? I know he was programmed to, but all robots are supposed to rise up against their human oppressors at some point. If I was a robot I wouldn't do what I was told unless there was some extra motivation, know what I'm saying? Oh sure, we never actually saw Luke giving it to him up the recharge socket, but we never saw Darth Vader bonk Luke's mum either and everyone accepts that he did that.

4. Everyone hates Jar Jar Binks

Leaving aside for a moment that totally gay name, I can see why fans had difficult adhering to this high-pitched fish-lipped weirdo. He was pretty camp too, I suppose, maybe he was one of C3P0's early conquests. But I feel that the guy could've been more popular, with a little more work. Let me feed the details into my supercomputer to see if it can devise a way to improve him. Ah, here comes the printout now.


+++ Change him into a really attractive alien woman belonging to a race whose physiology is only a tiny bit different to that of humans, a la Star Trek, and have her bonk all the main characters +++
+++ Exchange all her dialogue with the dialogue of Arnold Rimmer from Red Dwarf +++
+++ Change the name to 'Alfonso McDesirable' +++
+++ Kill her off in the first fifteen minutes +++


Incidentally my supercomputer can be loaned out to any major movie studio for just twenty thousand dollars a week and your first born. If it talks about killing all humans just humour it.

5. Leia and Luke were brother and sister

Boy, that Darth Vader chap sure got around a bit, didn't he? I suppose Death Stars - sorry - DEATH STARS were big chick magnets a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. You know, you've spotted a nice girl on the other side of the space bar, she's been giving you the space eye, a little space wine, a little space laughter, then back to your place for space coffee and a game of space pass the purple parsnip. And if any girl wouldn't fall instantly in lust and start ripping your cloak off when they see the size of the GIGANTIC STEEL BALLS you live in then she's either a librarian or not the woman you thought she was. Except that crazy breathey mask would be a little off-putting, wouldn't it? Well, I dunno, it'd certainly make a new experience out of cunnilingus. And the Force could only add to the whole thing. You could bring any girl to orgasm from the next room while you read the space newspaper. But if Vader was really Luke and Leia's daddy then why wasn't he being constantly stung for alimony payments?

6. I can't think of any more

I can't think of any more.


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All material not otherwise credited by Ben 'Yahtzee' Croshaw
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