You know, as an Englishman on the Internet I often find myself constantly surrounded by American culture. Whether it be a site on some cartoon series I've never heard of or some political joke I don't get, I've always felt assimilated into the ways of Uncle Sam.

Now, I know a lot of my countrymen feel a little bitter towards our American cousins, mainly for that little matter of a revolutionary war, but not me sir! That's all water under the bridge now. It matters not to me that you could produce a map of Europe and most Americans wouldn't be able to point out the country to which they once belonged. I am far too mature to have a grudge against them for being thick. Not that they are all thick, of course! Such sweeping generalizations are not welcome in this mature little mind!

We don't all have bad teeth, you know, mine are in extremely good shape. Thank you for asking.

So without further ado, I present on this, the fourth of July, my tribute to all the things that make America great!

1. Hamburgers

Yum! Take the concept of a beef sandwich, make it round, add one bucket of grease, and you have the quintessential American delicacy! 'Course it was us who originally invented the sandwich but all kudos to you for modifying the concept into something slightly more marketable! You know what's so great about junk food? Fat people who eat too much die young from cholesterol poisoning! It's a problem that solves itself!

2. American Football

Ah, what could be better than sitting down with two buckets of cholesterol and watching a bunch of men with dodgy intelligence quotients dress up in suits of armour and play a bastardized version of Rugby? I can't think of anything! Except perhaps jamming knitting needles into your living brain until all your senses are deactivated! And those cheerleaders! Phwoarr! Forget the game, let's watch the chests of some high school drop-outs bounce attractively up and down! Yay!!!! Pass the butter, Martha!

Seriously though, what was the thinking behind that name, anyway? (a) it's not played anywhere but America, and (b) it's not football. Maybe they couldn't think of a good name themselves (Like 'Suits of Armour Bastardized Rugby-Type Game') and just stuck 'American' on the front of a name someone else came up with. This was incidentally a process which also led to the film 'American Psycho'.

3. Television

Oh wait, this was ours. Well, you watch a lot of television, don't you! Probably why you're all so fat!

4. An American Werewolf in London

Classic comedy horror flick in which two smart-mouth Americans get savaged by a mythical beastie on the Yorkshire Moors! Then one of them gets taken to a hospital in London! Now I know you all have this problem where you think everywhere in England is next to everywhere else, but let's get this clear - it's a bit of a hefty drive from Yorkshire, in the North, to London, in the South. And there are plenty of perfectly good, much nearer hospitals they could have taken that bloke to. Here's a simple diagram.

Hey, I think I can see my house on this map! BWA HA HA HA!

Says it all, really. Sorry, I'm digressing. Er. I love America!

5. The Internet

... sorry, this was our idea too. Still, all credit to you for taking the idea and masterminding the creation of an indispensible tool for sexual deviants. Next!

6. The American Dream

Ah! The American Dream! It's the land of opportunity, man! Just get a dream and follow it! For instance, if you want to be a famous movie actress, go to Hollywood and wander around densely populated areas going "Ho hum, I so want to be in the movies, I'll do anything" in a sing-song voice! After performing unpleasant-sounding (and frequently unpleasant-tasting) sex acts on a few important people you may get to play a victim in a very poorly-funded horror film before all your money has been blown on cocaine and you audition for the lead role in what turns out to be a snuff movie! Live that dream!

7. Lawsuits

Your wife has run over your dog? Sue her! Your best friend has borrowed your Green Day CDs and hasn't given them back yet? Get their ass in court! What could be more American than blatantly trying to get money out of a tragedy? It's a good thing Jason Voorhees isn't around in real life, he'd get his ass sued to oblivion by the families of all those partying teenagers he slit up! Note that I said 'ass', not 'arse'! This shows how much I love America! They say money can't buy happiness, but what with all those people suing for cash because they're a bit upset, that can't be true, right?

8. George 'Dubya' Bush

Ha, ha, ha! Never let it be said Americans are unconcerned about foreign countries. You're so nice to us you very kindly elected a complete vegetable as your president, so we can all point and laugh! I know I'm very grateful!

9. Jet engine

Damn. Us again. Sorry, I keep forgetting who invented what. You know, some people might accuse me of not wanting to pay tribute to America at all, but instead trying to sling badly-disguised insults at them while promoting my own country. To these people I say, "Oh, go shoot some road signs, fat Yankee! You're fatter than Fatty McFat from Fatland on Fat People Get In Free Day!"

10. Light bulb

Finally, something you lot actually did invent! Yes, we're all terribly grateful to you for inventing the light bulb a hundred years ago. Before that we were absolutely hopeless. We had to do all our work outside during the day, then when the sun set we had to go straight to bed 'cos we couldn't see a damn thing. I don't know where we'd've been if you hadn't been kind enough to turn off the TV for once and actually invent something, I'm sure we'd still be stumbling around in pitch blackness to this day.

11. Good television

You Americans, you're so resourceful! After years of producing complete and utter crap, you decide you're no good at making TV, so you pinch all our TV ideas instead! Whose Line is it Anyway ... Who Wants to be a Millionaire ... Survivor ... The Weakest Link ... in the latter case, you even pinched our host, too! And did you know that the last series of Red Dwarf was first shown in its entirety in America? Not that I'm bitter! We've only got five TV channels over here and only one of them is constantly full of utter trash, but somehow you manage to have ten billion channels of complete and total unwatchable rubbish! Kudos!

12. World War 2

Couldn't've done it without ya! 'Course, you didn't see it as much of a concern of yours for a while, didya? No, you were probably too busy drinking with pretty girls and getting fat! But we were English and plucky and clever and we kept the Nazis at bay until Hitler got it into his nutty little mind to invade Russia and freeze half his troops to death. Then you came in! Right at the moment from which you were certain you would win! Took a bit of prompting from the Japanese first, o'course, but that's no reason to not take all the credit for the inevitable victory and start making war films! We didn't really want any thanks, anyway! We beat up folks like Hitler on our days off from kicking arse!

So there we go! All the things that make America the thumping powerhouse of wonder it is today, as seen from the viewpoint of a humble denizen of the little north-west European island nation to which you happen to OWE EVERYTHING YOU HAVE, YOU WORTHLESS LITTLE SWEATY FAT BOY!

Please don't flame me, I'm very sensitive.

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