was once a civilisation that existed a long time
ago in a galaxy which was, while not as far away
as some, still pretty far away in galactic terms.
This civilisation was very much like the one we
have now, except that the TV was still in black
and white and 'Pets Win Prizes' hadn't yet been
chief religion of this world was called
Terrorism. It fervently believed in a set of
ancient writings which detailed the second coming
of the great god Terror, who walked the Earth in
human form two thousand years before these
events. The writings foretold that, on the day
that Terror returned, a rain of fire would fall
from the sky and destroy all the evil in the
world, the seas would turn into milk, and Terror
would descend from the skies to begin one hundred
years of peace and tranquillity, followed by one
hundred years of war.
day, Terror did return.
morning before he turned up, the first prophecy
came true. Although thanks in part to
mistranslation and popular misunderstanding of
the related texts, it was not what was expected.
A rain of tyres fell from the sky. Every kind of
tyre you could imagine, from slim bicycle tyres
to gigantic tractor tyres, descended from the
sky. And as they fell, the town of Yeovil was
afternoon, the seas began to transform. The first
man to notice was a fisherman a few miles off the
coast of the principle nation. One moment the
engine on his little boat was effortlessly
pushing him through the cool blue waters, the
next it was being clogged up with Philadelphia
cream cheese. The fate of the marine life is
uncertain, although one suspects they would have
been absolutely delicious.
evening, Terror appeared to an assembled mass of
his followers who were waiting around the slopes
of the biggest green hill in the land. He seemed
quite bewildered when people addressed him as
Terror, and insisted they use his real name,
which was Terry.
great Terry," said the High Priest, feeling
stupid. "We have awaited your return for
many thousands of years. What have you to say to
excellent to each other," said Terry,
holding his arms aloft.
now, is it time for the hundred years of peace
and tranquillity?" asked the High Priest.
hundred YEARS?" said Terry, bewildered.
"I'm afraid you misheard. I promised you one
that, Terry waved his hands, and vanished.
the first second, nobody had anything to say.
Then someone near the back of the million-strong
crowd said, "When do they start?"
seconds 1-2, the crowd, as one, wondered about
second 2, the same man who called out on second
15 noticed that a flower was blooming next to his
foot at an alarming rate.
2-5, the crowd fearfully noticed that flowers
were growing all around, flowers of all shape and
colour, swaying gently in the breeze. The gentle
sound of a harp with no apparent origin drifted
second 6, a small child laughed with joy as
petals rained around her rosy cheeks. From that
point on, the rest of the crowd became more
relaxed with their new surroundings.
second 6 and the next major event at second 17,
the pollution clouds in the sky melted away, the
seas turned into fresh water, and a large variety
of furry creatures emerged from various forests
to rub up against the legs of the people, purring
affectionately. A few people were thrown when the
grizzly bears did the same, but animosity soon
17, the first flower was woven inexpertly into
21, the first joint was rolled.
39, the people of the world had all removed their
shoes and socks, loosened their ties, undone
their top buttons, and were lolling around in the
grass with their arms around each other, singing
songs of stoned platitude.
second 47, the last man to wear a tie around his
neck gave in to peer pressure and tied it around
47 to 55 those who were particularly open-minded
had removed their clothes and were making gentle
love to each other under the trees. Those too old
or too feeble to take part simply sat and
watched, occasionally shouting advice.
55, it was decided to bring some organisation to
the festivities. From then through to 69 a new
government was formed democratically, each member
being a representative of their social group.
They decided that all the fruit growing on the
new trees would be shared equally among the
populace, although nobody noticed this decision,
as they were all busy shagging.
75, the post-coital masses pulled themselves
together, put their clothes back on, and sat
around avoiding each other's gaze with big smiles
on their faces.
75 to 95, the people made mad passionate
conversation, mainly along the lines of how
marvellous the world was these days.
95 to 100, a few people began looking fearfully
at their watches.
noticed the passing of second 100.
second 101, someone stood on someone else's foot.
to 107 mainly consisted of the man whose foot was
stood on hopping around and waving his arms.
108, the man who stood on the other man's foot
109, the other man refused to accept the apology,
as he strongly suspected that something was
110, the first man said that there clearly wasn't
anything broken, what with him hopping around on
it and everything, and the second man was being a
Rumours of the fight spread around the hill.
Anxious for some action after all that boring
peace, a huge crowd gradually formed around the
120, the aforementioned crybaby twat bloodied the
first man's nose.
123, the crybaby twat was sucker-punched in the
fight continued from 123 onwards, and it would be
pointless to continue detailing each individual
blow. At 129, the first bet was placed.
135, everyone had wagered money on one of the
participants. They surrounded the battle,
cheering on their chosen combatant.
140, the assembled crowd divided into two
factions: the Brotherhood of the Man Who Stood On
The Other Man's Foot, and the Holy Church Of The
Crybaby Twat. The two groups began to show deep
resentment for each other.
145, a small rock was thrown from the Holy Church
and knocked out one of the taller members of the
Brotherhood. By 157, several more rocks had been
169, the government were asked to make a
statement on which of the two factions they
favoured. The statement was read out in the time
between 172 and 179, and made it clear that the
government would come down against whichever side
could be said to have 'started it'.
that the government was talking about them, the
Brotherhood made a pre-emptive strike on 183,
took down the seat of power on 187, and left the
green hill in a state of delicious anarchy on
192 to 199, a battle royale turned the crowd into
a heaving, churning mass of fighting bodies, each
determined to stand up for their cause. Enough
eyes were blackened that day to fill a good-sized
199, someone elbowed a six year old girl in the
face. Said girl began loudly screaming and
200, the elbower apologised profusely and
promised he would buy the girl a lolly.
201, the girl said she didn't want a lolly, and
ran off home to tell her dad.
202, the girl's dad arrived and told everyone off
for being a bunch of violent gits.
203, everyone went home, avoiding each other's
updates - features - essays - reviews - comics - games - novels - about - contact - forum - links