WHERE ARE YOU
GOING WHEN YOU DIE?
code? We don't need no steenkin' HTML code!"
Are you baptised?
Yes, it was the best day of my life.
B. Yes, and I pissed in the font. Ha ha ha.
C. No, I'm a buddhist.
D. No, I'm a pretentious git.
E. No, I'm too busy being murdered.
What's your idea of a great night out?
Sitting at home reading a bible verse to my
B. One that I can't remember the following
C. Wearing orange robes and practising astral
D. Sitting around in beatnik clubs badmouthing
religion and reciting bad poetry.
E. Having tea with my wife while she slips little
white pills into my cup and hopes I don't notice.
What's your favourite film?
'Jesus of Nazareth'
B. 'Full Metal Jacket'
C. 'Seven Years In Tibet'
D. 'Yellow Submarine'
E. Any of the Jason films, except 3, 5 and 8.
What are you most likely to say if someone comes
up and stabs you?
'God save me!'
B. 'Satan save me!'
C. 'Not again!'
D. 'Aaaah! Fuck!'
E. 'Oh, hello dear, couldn't you sleep AAAAH!'
Who is your idol?
B. Marilyn Manson.
C. The Dalai Lama.
D. John Lennon.
E. Some guy who didn't get murdered.
What would you rescue from a burning house?
My bible and my children.
B. Whatever I could find in the first room I got
t - oh, you mean if it was MY house?
C. Nothing, as I have renounced all wealth and
D. My black poloneck sweater.
E. Nothing, because I burn to death while my wife
runs away with the insurance form, cackling.
What school did you go to?
St. Teresa's Boarding School for Clean, Healthy,
B. I didn't catch the name before I burnt the
C. A small temple high on a Tibetan mountaintop.
D. One of those modern ones where the teachers
all wear black poloneck sweaters and insist you
address them by their first name.
E. I cannot answer this question as someone is
sticking a knife in my ear.
How often do you speak the word 'fuck'?
Never. Bad words make the little baby Jesus fill
B. Every fuck other fuck word fuck.
C. I'm afraid I only speak whatever language they
speak in Tibet.
D. Why does it matter? It's just a four-letter
word like any other.
E. I'm serious, it's really sharp, and I think it
just burst my eardrum. Help me, somebody.
How do you spend your days off?
Giving food to homeless people.
B. Taking food from homeless people.
C. Meditation to hone my amazing mind-powers.
D. Writing irreverent websites.
What do you do immediately after sex?
Run to the shower, then to my local priest.
B. Pay the woman and go home.
C. What's that?
D. Stare at the ceiling.
you are a pious, penitent, good Christian who can
expect to spend the next billion squillion years
singing hymns and watering pot plants. Hey, to
each his own.
a bad, bad person, and you're gonna get your just
desserts as one of the Damned. Look on the bright
side, though. Sometimes they stop putting hooks
through your flesh to give you one of those weird
psychological tortures where you're travelling
down an infinitely long corridor and you just
know there's something behind you but you can't
take it from your answers that you're a buddhist,
so it doesn't really matter what I put here as
buddhists renounce all wealth and possessions and
as such wouldn't have a computer to read this on.
Flippidy flippidy booby yaga!
a pretentious poser, but you can't go to Hell
since you haven't been baptised. Your fate lies
around the edge of Hell, where you shall spend
the rest of eternity drinking cappuccinos and
reciting your bad poetry to a captive audience.
I'll see you there, friend.
are one of the murdered dead, and as such your
soul cannot rest. You must bring vengeance upon
your murderer, and your only resources for doing
so are the abilities to walk through walls and go
woogy woogy. The best of British luck to you.
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