Girls! Gentlemen! Incredibly hot ladies! Have you
ever been in this situation? You've got a
question you're just burning to ask, and the only
person you feel can give you the answer you
require is some tosser of an English webmaster?
now's your chance! In what I hope will become a
regular feature on this site (heard that one
before, haven't we) I have dedicated myself to
answering whatever questions you have on your
mind! For this first edition I just asked my
forum regulars to ask me some things, but in
future, if you've got a question you'd like me to
answer in some tiresome facetious manner, send it
to the usual address, or even post it on the appropriate forum topic.
further ado, let's get started!
omnipresent Space Monkey writes:
are the colours named as they are? I mean, who
decided 'orange' would be a nice colour (or even
name of fruit)?"
a very good question, Space Monkey! The colours
which we see and read about every day in our
celebrity magazines have a come a long way from
where they started, but to give you the origins
of their names, I'll have to tackle each one
individually. Since you seem so keen to specify
it, let's start with 'orange'.
years ago, the first settlers in the land mass
which would come to be known as Europe discovered
the fruit we would end up calling the 'orange'.
It was discovered by a family of hairy
pre-Renaissance creatures, who decided they had
to come up with a name for them. The father
figure picked one up and turned it over in his
hairy hands, then said "Arrange them into a
little stack so it looks nice." That was
what he intended to say, anyway. As it turned
out, he only got as far as the first word before
he was eaten by a passing mammoth. His family,
mishearing his broad pre-Renaissance accent,
thought he was suggesting a name for the fruit,
and so they became "oranges". The
colour also became known as "orange",
as this was before anyone had invented anything
that was the same colour as the mysterious fruit.
some more colour origin stories!
Named when a mechanic lost his lube one day, and
chanted "lube, lube, lube" to himself
while searching for it. He was wearing a blue
jumpsuit at the time.
A caveman word, supposedly phonetic for the noise
baby birds make. It was believed they were
attempting to describe the countryside around
Named after the character in the Shawshank
Redemption, although nobody knows why.
hope that pleases your insatiable curiosity!
(no capital letter) writes:
that ad on tv for 'not throwing bricks off a
bridge onto oncoming traffic', why do the three
boys get arrested but the girl gets off
scott-free? really why? she was there,
partiticpating in the murder of bus driver mc
dead. did she dispence blowjobs to the jolly
police-man or start crying and said 'they forced
her to do it'? I HOPE THAT BITCH GETS ASS ROT."
a very good question, dudefather! I trust you
will enjoy my answer so I won't have to sleep
with the fishes!
I haven't seen the advert which you describe, I
can tell you exactly why the girl got off scott
free. It's nothing so tawdry as blowjobs, as I'm
sure you'll be relieved to know!
mythology tells us that the Gods invented woman
as a punishment after man got a hold of some
stolen goods. Obviously, this was just the
mythological explanation given by the primitive
early men to explain the real origin of women,
which was this: THEY CAME DOWN IN SPACESHIPS.
Yes, all women are space aliens who have come
from a far-off galaxy to enslave mankind. You
know that book "Men are from Mars, Women are
from Venus"? That was an attempt to get the
truth out until it found its way into the hands
of a woman during the editing process. It was
originally entitled "Women are from Venus,
RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIVES", and was full of
useful tips on defeating the evil aliens, like
grunting and farting in bed.
get back to the advert, the girl was able to get
off scott free because she used the mystical
power of the Force to coerce the police into not
arresting her. And the brick-throwing thing was
all her idea, too. And she didn't get ass rot,
although it's a little known fact that the Force
is a leading cause of ass rot.
shouldn't you run with scissors?"
a very good question, CSFS! Are you any relation
to the CSFS who writes me weekend updates?
short answer to your question would be
"because your parents think you're a
smacktard." They think you'll have to
concentrate so hard on running that you'll forget
that you're holding scissors! They think you'll
flail your arms about like a smacktard and end up
stabbing yourself in the thigh!
actuality, this is all lies. The truth is, all
scissors are imbued with the magical power of
CHOCOLATIFICATION. The ancient and mysterious
ability to turn base metals into DELICIOUS,
CREAMY CHOCOLATE. In order to activate this
power, you have to hold the scissors in your hand
and run at full speed, flailing your arms like a
smacktard, at which point everything in the near
vicinity will be transformed. Now, obviously,
this isn't information adults want children to
know, as children would use the power
irresponsibly. When you hit twenty years old, a
little switch in your brain clicks over from
"Want Chocolate" to "Want
Beer", and it's then that the government
considers it safe to send you a little pamphlet
detailing the secrets of scissors and
Chocolatification. Chocolatification is only to
be used in times of extreme chocolate shortage,
and improper use can carry a fine of up to £500.
do you use a sprongle?"
a very good question, Ju2000! The word 'sprongle'
had me completely baffled, so I went immediately
to the fountain of all knowledge: Google image
search! And by happy chance, it produced three
copies of the following image:
I suppose, in answer to your question, you'd use
a sprongle for driving really fast! Glad to be of
concludes today's session. Remember, if you have
a question you'd like to stump me with for the
Ask Yahtzee column, mail it to me or post it on this topic in the forum. I
think this is my one chance to bring some
enlightenment to the world!
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