ASK YAHTZEE

Boys! Girls! Gentlemen! Incredibly hot ladies! Have you ever been in this situation? You've got a question you're just burning to ask, and the only person you feel can give you the answer you require is some tosser of an English webmaster?

Well, now's your chance! In what I hope will become a regular feature on this site (heard that one before, haven't we) I have dedicated myself to answering whatever questions you have on your mind! For this first edition I just asked my forum regulars to ask me some things, but in future, if you've got a question you'd like me to answer in some tiresome facetious manner, send it to the usual address, or even post it on the appropriate forum topic.

Without further ado, let's get started!

The omnipresent Space Monkey writes:

"Why are the colours named as they are? I mean, who decided 'orange' would be a nice colour (or even name of fruit)?"

That's a very good question, Space Monkey! The colours which we see and read about every day in our celebrity magazines have a come a long way from where they started, but to give you the origins of their names, I'll have to tackle each one individually. Since you seem so keen to specify it, let's start with 'orange'.

Many years ago, the first settlers in the land mass which would come to be known as Europe discovered the fruit we would end up calling the 'orange'. It was discovered by a family of hairy pre-Renaissance creatures, who decided they had to come up with a name for them. The father figure picked one up and turned it over in his hairy hands, then said "Arrange them into a little stack so it looks nice." That was what he intended to say, anyway. As it turned out, he only got as far as the first word before he was eaten by a passing mammoth. His family, mishearing his broad pre-Renaissance accent, thought he was suggesting a name for the fruit, and so they became "oranges". The colour also became known as "orange", as this was before anyone had invented anything that was the same colour as the mysterious fruit.

Here's some more colour origin stories!

Blue: Named when a mechanic lost his lube one day, and chanted "lube, lube, lube" to himself while searching for it. He was wearing a blue jumpsuit at the time.

Green: A caveman word, supposedly phonetic for the noise baby birds make. It was believed they were attempting to describe the countryside around them.

Red: Named after the character in the Shawshank Redemption, although nobody knows why.

I hope that pleases your insatiable curiosity!

dudefather (no capital letter) writes:

"In that ad on tv for 'not throwing bricks off a bridge onto oncoming traffic', why do the three boys get arrested but the girl gets off scott-free? really why? she was there, partiticpating in the murder of bus driver mc dead. did she dispence blowjobs to the jolly police-man or start crying and said 'they forced her to do it'? I HOPE THAT BITCH GETS ASS ROT."

That's a very good question, dudefather! I trust you will enjoy my answer so I won't have to sleep with the fishes!

Although I haven't seen the advert which you describe, I can tell you exactly why the girl got off scott free. It's nothing so tawdry as blowjobs, as I'm sure you'll be relieved to know!

Greek mythology tells us that the Gods invented woman as a punishment after man got a hold of some stolen goods. Obviously, this was just the mythological explanation given by the primitive early men to explain the real origin of women, which was this: THEY CAME DOWN IN SPACESHIPS. Yes, all women are space aliens who have come from a far-off galaxy to enslave mankind. You know that book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? That was an attempt to get the truth out until it found its way into the hands of a woman during the editing process. It was originally entitled "Women are from Venus, RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIVES", and was full of useful tips on defeating the evil aliens, like grunting and farting in bed.

To get back to the advert, the girl was able to get off scott free because she used the mystical power of the Force to coerce the police into not arresting her. And the brick-throwing thing was all her idea, too. And she didn't get ass rot, although it's a little known fact that the Force is a leading cause of ass rot.

CSFS writes:

"Why shouldn't you run with scissors?"

That's a very good question, CSFS! Are you any relation to the CSFS who writes me weekend updates?

The short answer to your question would be "because your parents think you're a smacktard." They think you'll have to concentrate so hard on running that you'll forget that you're holding scissors! They think you'll flail your arms about like a smacktard and end up stabbing yourself in the thigh!

In actuality, this is all lies. The truth is, all scissors are imbued with the magical power of CHOCOLATIFICATION. The ancient and mysterious ability to turn base metals into DELICIOUS, CREAMY CHOCOLATE. In order to activate this power, you have to hold the scissors in your hand and run at full speed, flailing your arms like a smacktard, at which point everything in the near vicinity will be transformed. Now, obviously, this isn't information adults want children to know, as children would use the power irresponsibly. When you hit twenty years old, a little switch in your brain clicks over from "Want Chocolate" to "Want Beer", and it's then that the government considers it safe to send you a little pamphlet detailing the secrets of scissors and Chocolatification. Chocolatification is only to be used in times of extreme chocolate shortage, and improper use can carry a fine of up to £500.

The three-years-out-of-date Ju2000 writes:

"how do you use a sprongle?"

That's a very good question, Ju2000! The word 'sprongle' had me completely baffled, so I went immediately to the fountain of all knowledge: Google image search! And by happy chance, it produced three copies of the following image:

So I suppose, in answer to your question, you'd use a sprongle for driving really fast! Glad to be of service!

That concludes today's session. Remember, if you have a question you'd like to stump me with for the Ask Yahtzee column, mail it to me or post it on this topic in the forum. I think this is my one chance to bring some enlightenment to the world!

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