ASK YAHTZEE 2
time for the second ever instalment of my
occasional question-answering column, in which
readers who find themselves consumed by
intellectual turmoil can come to find the answers
to the questions that trouble them so! Whether
the answers they receive are the answers they
actually want is a matter for conjecture, but
let's not let empty-headed theorising get in the
way of truth and integrity! Wow! Lots of
questions came in since the last column!
Remember, if you have one you'd like to tackle me
with, mail it to me with all speed!
do males have nipples?"
an excellent question, kharnie! How are your
brothers Chilli and Con? Never mind.
a lot of people would have you believe that men
have nipples because all human beings adhere to
the same genetic template regardless of gender.
This is, in fact, wrong and completely against
the holy word of God. In the Bible, we are told
that Adam was created before Eve. Why should he
have had nipples just because Eve was due to be a
lactating creature? It's stoopid! When God
designed the nipples for Adam, he had a whole
other purpose in mind.
a little known fact that the Garden of Eden was
also home to the first ever supermarket. Full of
all the wondrous bounties of nature and staffed
by intelligent robots! Before the creation of
Eve, Adam went there on many occasions to fill
the empty void in his life with mindless
consumerism, and would buy all manner of
wonderful things! Trouble is, he would often have
four bags of shopping and only two hands! How
could he carry them all to his car in one trip?
Why, with his nipples, of course! By attaching a
ring to each one he could suspend two more bags
of shopping from his torso. That's why people
pierce their nipples; it's a tribute to Adam's
may be wondering how Adam was able to lift
shopping with his nipples without them tearing
off. Well, I refer you to the secret, repressed
version of Genesis, chapter X, verse Y.
And verily was God so angered that Eve had
partaken of the forbidden fruit, that he declared
first that childbirth would hurt like buggery,
and removed the carbon-fibre reinforcement from
Adam's nipples, and verily did they never lift
now you know!
of lettuce writes:
Snickers really satisfies, why do they make a
king size bar?"
an excellent question, lattice of lettuce! I'm
glad to see the bizarre madness that caused you
to name yourself that did not extend to your
bars do claim to really satisfy, but take careful
note that they do not mention exactly how much of
Snickers must be partaken in to achieve the
satisfying effect. It is not referred to simply
because the amount of snickers required to
satisfy varies from person to person. I took the
liberty of making a chart detailing how much
Snickers would be required to satisfy certain
you don't understand the Marianne Faithfull
reference, go ask your mum! And don't come back
until you have a satisfactory answer!
Invisible Hentai Girl arouses me. Should I
an excellent question, Chris Bayliss! My, an
awful lot of people called Chris contribute to
the benefit of you and anyone else with the same
problem, let me assure you that it is perfectly
natural to be attracted to the mysterious
Invisible Hentai Girl, as one of her breasts is
lopsided. No real women have lopsided breasts,
which gives her an element of fantasy! Ho ho ho,
not really. In her invisibility, the Hentai Girl
is safely anonymous. The reader can project the
face of any woman they want onto her, from
Cameron Diaz to Anne Robinson! Hell, you could
even pretend she's your girlfriend and enjoy
guilt-free masturbation! So for that reason,
there's nothing wrong with fancying her.
is, however something wrong with fancying a
collection of pixels on a computer screen. Ha ha
sublimely named egg head cheesy bird
have you not made an "are you a
smacktard" flowchart yet?"
an excellent question, egg head cheesy bird!
Here's the answer:
concludes another exciting instalment of Ask
Yahtzee. Remember, if you have a question, mail
it to the usual address! I'm going now to stick
forks behind my eyelids and entertain my
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