ASK YAHTZEE 3
plebeians! It's time for another edition of my
semi-regular Q&A column, Ask Yahtzee! Yes,
I've managed to scrape together enough questions
from old e-mails and messageboard threads to
squeeze out another. Remember, if you have a
question you feel you'd just murder your children
to get the answer to, send them to the usual address, if only for junior's
then, let's begin this week's cavalcade of
primate-tastic Charlie Monkie
Jesus Christ really was the son of God and
Mary,was God any good in bed? plus if God really
is an onipotent God why couldn't he give himself
a decent name?
an excellent question, Charlie Monkie! Are you
any relation to that tosshead on the Coco Pops
boxes? Somehow I get the feeling you are!
answer to your first question, of course God was
good in bed! He's perfect in every way! God not
only knows the secret path to the clitoris, but
he's also aware of a little nerve just underneath
the right shoulder blade connected directly to a
lady's pleasure centre! He could make his
girlfriends come just by sitting next to them in
a cinema! Some say he designed the shoulder nerve
so no-one else would know about it, and his
reputation as the greatest lover in the universe
would remain intact.
God had a flaw, it was that he was crap at names,
as you have already pointed out. What the hell
kind of name is God? That's not a name, that's
what he is. It's like those people who call their
cat 'Pussy'. While we're on the subject, why
'Earth'? Isn't that just what it's made of? He
was going to call the baby Jesus 'Mewling Shit'
before the fourteenth Mrs. God stepped in.
do buskers busk when they make so little money?
an excellent question, SkinnedAlive! Tell me,
when your skin grows back after a few days, do
you rename yourself NotSkinnedAlive or just flay
it all off again? Just curious!
anyone who's played Gabriel Knight: Sins Of The
Fathers can tell you, there's a lot more to
buskers than meets the eye. Indeed, buskers are
the spearhead of a vast homeless invasion force
that exists beneath the streets of London, holed
up in barracks and organised by a mysterious
figure known only as "Homeless X". The
biggest joke amongst this growing army is that
they are funded by the very people they intend to
kill; any money that goes to buskers and other
homeless goes into the invasion fund, to be spent
on firearms! You yourself could pay for the
bullet that kills you dead!
what with the somewhat gradual nature of a
accruing income in this manner, the takeover has
been pencilled in for the late 25th century, but
that doesn't mean you can't do your bit now! Kick
those homeless in the head and smash their
instruments! History will remember you as a
patriot, even if you do get the shit kicked out
of you today.
back to buskers, they have a secondary purpose,
and that is to communicate coded messages to
their fellows. They used to communicate through
the Big Issue, but eventually decided that that
was too big a security risk. For future
reference, here's a handy guide to the codes:
|"When The Saints Go
inspection tonight at twelve
at Homeless Central
|"Blame it on the
Waterloo Station for bombing run
London" in D Flat
has begun! Come to arms! Let the streets
run red with non-homeless blood! The day
of reckoning has arrived!
London" in C Sharp
does "Shpadoinkle" mean?
an excellent question, Jane Sherwood! Are Robin
Hood and his merry men paying the rent on time?
word 'shpadoinkle' or 'spadoinkle' derives from
the popular song:
sky is blue, and all the leaves are green,
My heart's as full as a baked potato,
I think I know precisely what I mean,
When I say it's a shpadoinkle day."
was a popular song among miners in America during
the time of the Wild West, but what does it mean?
Well, in those days, working in a mine was long,
tiring and very, very dark. Miners found that
they had extreme difficulty seeing calendars in
the gloom of mountain tunnels, and the constant
sound of picks and explosions affected their
minds and caused them to lose certain memories.
Most miners totally forgot the names of the days
of the week, and so found themselves having to
invent new ones. These included "Magomby
day", meaning "the day when the post
arrives", "Slagpuppy day", meaning
"the day Big Frank decides he needs to rape
someone", and of course "Shpadoinkle
day", which is just the day before the
the miner who came up with 'shpadoinkle day' and
the associated song went on to found the popular
'TGI Friday' chain of restaurants.
think that's all for this week! Remember, keep
those questions coming in to my email, and don't fuck your
sister! Society will not smile on your union no
matter how hot her lithe young bod is!
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