have been following horoscopes for centuries. A
lot of other people say it's a load of romantic
bollocks believed only by girls and fat hippies.
Personally I like to keep an open mind, but I
sometimes find it difficult to believe that
one-twelfth of all the people in the world are
the same. I find it a little fishy to say the
least how a single paragraph in the morning's
Daily Mail can apply to the daily lives of 8.3%
of the world's population.
also find it a little fishy that there's never
anything seriously negative in the horoscopes. I
mean, it's perfectly possible that one in twelve
people in the world will all die simultaneously,
why don't horoscopes ever say "Get that last
will and testament done, all hell's
that's not very likely at all. But in response to
all these people saying astrology is a load of
poopy pants, I and my dedicated team of
researchers have been star-gazing and reading
dull books for the last sixteen years, and have
come up with a horoscope for the EXACT DATE AND
TIME OF YOUR BIRTH.
soon Yahtzee Publications will be releasing all
twenty of the two thousand page volumes that make
up the Yahtzee's Advanced Astrology, 1910-1990
edition, available to buy from all major shopping
channels and websites for just £1999.95. For an
extra twenty quid we throw in a magnifying glass
which, frankly, is the only way you're going to
read the titchy writing. OK, so it's probably not
the most riveting of reading matter, but it looks
jolly impressive on the bookshelf.
all you skeptics out there, here's a free sample!
14th August 1919, between 4:00am and 4:15am:
Animal: freakish Aphid/Leopard hybrid
Rock: Mixture of granite and basalt
Colour: The sort of dark purply-green you see
when you close your eyes too hard
You live in a rent-controlled apartment in a
medium-sized industrial town and work in
catering. You fought in the Second World War and
acquired a scar two inches above and to the left
of your right eyebrow. Later in life you will be
offered a position as head chef in some swanky
French-style restaurant. At some point you will
knowingly cook frogspawn for someone you don't
like. You will die on the 26th of February 2003,
having been crippled by arthritis for several
years hence, eventually giving up the ghost after
falling off a stool.
2nd March 1956, between 2:30pm and 2:45pm:
Animal: could be either an ant with two missing
legs or C.S. Lewis. Bob spilt his coffee on the
chart to be honest.
Rock: Sort of sandy residue on the underside of
Colour: The kind of off-white a white t-shirt
gets after being washed fifteen times at 40
You were born into a poor family and will more
than likely die in one too. What little talents
you have cannot in any way make you rich or
famous. You wear bent spectacles and have dark
greasy hair, and although people say otherwise,
no-one really likes you much. You're already
going bald and people like to treat you as a
piece of furniture. You will occupy the same
dead-end position in the same dead-end job for
the rest of your natural life, and will die in
2010 from a combination of executive stress,
scotch whiskey and a large man with a
24th May 1983, between 6:15am and 6:30am:
Animal: Stag during mating season.
Rock: Stainless steel
Colour: Tie-dyed fluorescent green.
You are a gift to humanity, probably one of the
wisest and handsomest persons in the entire
history of mankind. You wear spectacles and have
gelled-back brown hair. You probably don't go
outside as much as you should, but that doesn't
matter because you are just inherently perfect.
You design amateur adventure games and write
pointless bits of supposedly comic fol-de-rol for
your own gratification, publishing both on the
Internet to the complete indifference of your
audience. You will live a long life and die, rich
and famous, during the nuclear holocaust in 2062.
not convinced? Just pay us through the nose and
we'll send you the complete Advanced Astrology!
And as an added bonus, everyone who orders
Advanced Astrology goes on our Free Massage list!
Every week a group of burly men will come to your
house and perform an invigorating massage upon
your person, right in your own home! For £100 a
week they won't bring any weapons, and for as
little as £500 a week, they won't turn up at
all! Sign up today! Remember, Advanced Astrology
isn't available in shops, because they ask too
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