A CAUTIONARY TALE
all started the other night, when I was woken
from my slumber by what appeared to be a tiny
hand punching me in the face repeatedly. I
switched on the nearby light, and saw to my
surprise a very small fairy sitting on my chest,
offering me a dirty look. What was also
surprising was the fairy's physique. Her breasts
and thighs were enormous, but her waist was
barely a centimetre across.
I said blearily. "You would be my Hentai
wasn't much more I could say. "Nice
you try and sweet-talk me, you bastard," she
shouted, giving my nose a vicious poke. "You
know what this is about."
sighed. "I have a feeling it's about the
small collection of hentai I recently deleted
from my hard drives."
nose felt another small fist. "How could
you! After all we've done for you! You just toss
us in the recycle bin without a second
tried to sit up, but she was surprisingly heavy.
"Look, it's nothing personal, it's just my
girlfriend is coming to stay and I'd never live
it down if she ever found -"
could have just encrypted them!" she
squawked. "Or put them in some folder she'd
never look in! But no, you deleted them
didn't want to! I even wrote a special article a
few weeks back as a tribute..."
you no morals?"
I said simply, slapping her onto the floor.
fluttered over to my side as I made to turn the
light off again. "The gods of porn are most
displeased with your actions," she
whispered. "I have orders to place a curse
on you. You will be cursed from now on to live
life like a Hentai game!"
that a threat or a bribe?"
waved her magic wand over my form, and spoke a
few occult syllables. "You will rue the day
you ever crossed us."
I'm rueing, I'm rueing. Can I go back to sleep
vanished at that point, so I took that as a
next morning, the sun was shining and it was
another beautiful day of English spring. The
birds were singing to greet the new day. My
Hentai Godmother's warning was already being
dismissed as a curious dream as I pulled my
bedclothes aside and reached for my jacket.
was when I noticed my arm. It had changed during
the night, now wearing a deep tan found only on
the skin of people on holiday advertisements. On
my upper arm, where yesterday there had been a
bicep like a sock full of jelly, was toned and
hardened muscle. I felt my torso, and found
similar development there. Furthermore all my
body hair had mysteriously disappeared, and the
spots on my chest I had been worrying about had
gone the same way.
was all very disturbing, but on the whole I felt
that this was one curse I could do with.
I was quite heartened when I took my dressing
gown and made my way to the bathroom. I had
decided to have a shower. I never have showers in
the morning, but today I felt a curious
compulsion to do so. The shower passed without
event, until I was emerging from it and caught a
glimpse of myself in the mirror. I had to slap
both hands around my mouth to prevent myself from
lower body had become partially transparent!
my shoulders down my body started to fade away,
the level of transparency amplifying as it neared
my groin, then lessening further down until my
feet were fully visible. That which made me a man
- which had also seemed to have gained something
during the night - was naught but a white
stared at all this for several minutes, counting
the fish on the shower curtain I could see right
through my stomach. I managed to calm down after
some deep breaths, then grabbed a towel and began
drying off. I was determined not to let that
accursed godmother get to me.
I said to the stranger in the mirror. "If
this is as bad as this curse gets then I for one
can live with it."
did I know that the worst was still to come.
after breakfast I wondered what I would do today.
"Well, I suppose I have three options,"
I thought aloud. "I can either (1) go out
into town to see what else the curse has done,
(2) watch some TV, or (3) go back to bed."
considered number 3. "But I'd only be
wasting time," I said to myself. "I go
into town shall."
hesitated as the words came out of my mouth.
"I go into town shall," I said again. I
gave myself a sharp thump to the side of the
head. "I shall go into town."
Satisfied, I put on my trenchcoat and left the
didn't seem to be many people around, but I
didn't read much into that. I passed the house of
a neighbour of mine, Mrs. Stevens, and there was
an unfamiliar woman in the front garden. Again, I
didn't think much of it until she greeted me as
if she'd known me her whole life. Physically she
was extremely attractive, with measurements that
seemed to parallel those of the Hentai Godmother.
Her eyes were huge and blue, and an ungainly
amount of purple hair ran from her head down her
morning, Yatzo!" she exclaimed.
gave her a curious look. "YahtZEE," I
corrected. "Where's Mrs. Stevens?"
frowned. "I don't know Mrs. Stevens. I am
was becoming weirder from the minute. This woman
pertained to have a Japanese name, but she didn't
look Japanese at all. "I have to go," I
said firmly, and made to leave.
you like come inside and see the jigsaw puzzle I
thank you -"
my husband is away -"
I almost shouted, and took off at a jog.
streets were almost deserted. What little
population remained seemed to comprise entirely
of women with oddly-coloured hair, unlikely
measurements and Japanese names, all looking at
me as if I was running around naked. Everyone who
wasn't one of these women was invariably a
good-looking man with absolutely no personality
who all seemed about as surprised as I was.
I neared the town centre a pressing desire to
empty my bladder began making itself known, so I
snuck into the gentleman's toilets, making sure I
wasn't being followed. But as I stepped up to the
gutter I found a woman lying in there with a
hopeful expression on her face, wearing nothing
but thong panties.
carry on with what you were doing," she said
distinctly heard the sound barrier break as I
darted out of there as fast as I could. I cast a
look around to find an alternative place to make
my ablutions, and decided upon a bush in a nearby
park. I selected one buried deep in the
undergrowth away from prying eyes, and began the
said a voice from below. Out of the bush two
heads and two sets of shoulders emerged, a young
man and a woman, both apparently unclothed.
"What you think you're doing?" asked
let him finish, Keigo," said the woman.
"I kind of like it."
zipped myself up as fast as I could and ran off
it's not so bad," I muttered to myself as I
ran. "So everyone's got a Japanese name and
look like anime characters and all women want to
be used as sex objects, and everyone speaks in
badly translated English. It's not as bad as all
screeched to a halt outside a TV shop, as the TVs
were showing a news programme, and the headline
had caught my eye.
President of the United States was impeached
today for having sex with every single female
member of White House staff. High Court judges
ruled in his favour, however, because he had had
sex with all of them, too. In other news,
Afghanistan has won the war, as all American and
British soldiers were all busy having sex with
pretty girls, and they have launched a bunch of
nuclear missiles at the civilised world. Defense
networks regretfully cannot stop the missiles as
all the personnel are too busy having sex. Sport
-" the presenter on the screen was cut off
when a woman in a bikini suddenly threw herself
upon him, and they both fell under the desk.
curse was amplifying. There were people
copulating on the floor of every shop I looked
in. There were even one or two shameless ones in
the street. As I watched, frozen with horror,
there was a tap on my shoulder. I turned around
to see a small green blob-like monster with
countless tentacles sitting there, giving me a
baleful look with its one huge eye. "Excuse
me," it said, "could you direct me to
St. Woodrow's School for Girls?"
planted a boot squarely in its monster face, and
ran again. This time, I didn't stop until I was
far away from town, though I was tired as hell
and my feet were blistered. I ran through fields
and forests, not even looking behind me to see if
any naked girls were chasing me playfully.
Eventually I burst through a hedge to find myself
in the grounds of a mental hospital.
course," I muttered to myself. "It's
only a curse on me, not the whole world. This is
all illusion. I'm being tricked. I'll just get
myself looked at here, then they'll give me pills
to make it all go away, and happily I'll live of
hesitated. "I'll live happily ever
up in some small way, I entered the building.
doctor in the white coat had me sit on his
examination bed, then thumbed my eyelids and
checked my pupils. "You seem a little highly
strung," he said. "Have you been under
a lot of stress lately?"
I said quickly, "What's your name?"
name? Oh, sorry. It's Smith. Dr. Richard
English name, I thought, and sighed with relief.
"Doctor, have you noticed anything ...
strange ... going on lately?"
stroked his chin thoughtfully. He was quite an
ugly man. This also heartened me. "What kind
... there being lots of highly sexed people with
Japanese names around?"
say I've noticed anything like that. Excuse me, I
have to fetch some texts."
he left the room, I felt quite happy. This place
seemed unaffected. Perhaps I was right, perhaps
it was all in my mind. Perhaps the curse had been
lifted, or had worn off, or something. Maybe -
heard talking from the next room. Cautiously,
perhaps knowing what I would see even before I
saw it, I peeked through the door.
doctor was on the phone. "Yes, here is
he," he said. "Bring condoms."
heard my gasp, slammed the phone down, and turned
to face me. He did so with such rapidity that his
ugly mask fell off to reveal a very handsome
young man with purple hair.
I said, pointing wildly. "You're one of
the door flew open and six or seven buxom young
anime girls burst in, clad in shorts and tube
tops. I picked up a chair and desperately tried
to fend them off, but there were just too many. I
was forced back into a corner.
of us," chanted the girls. "One of
Noo!!" I yelled. "I'll never be like
you! Get away from me!"
but Yatzo," said the doctor, a huge smile on
his face. "You are ALREADY one of us!"
offered me a hand mirror. Slowly, with infinite
despair, I looked at my reflection.
had no facial features.
woke up with a start, sitting bolt upright, sweat
glistening on my forehead.
looked around. My room was just as it had always
been. I examined myself with my hands - my torso
was skinny again, my chest hair returned, the
spots left unconcerned. I squeezed my biceps, and
I was never so pleased to feel those jelly-filled
had all just been a dream. A terrible, awful
couldn't get back to sleep after that, so I got
dressed and headed downstairs, pausing only to
check my stomach in the mirror. Completely
Hentai godmother. The very idea."
decided I needed some mindless violence to calm
me down, so picked up one of my Friday the 13th
videos to take my mind off the terrible dream.
plonked myself down onto the sofa, and started
the VCR. The picture quality wasn't too good, but
I didn't care. I was just glad my ordeal was over
film began. Instantly I knew something was wrong.
Something was terrifyingly, soul-destroyingly
I woke up again. The end.
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