 TRUE CONFESSIONS
Having had a
jolly good time reading the appalling habits of
Joe Public on anonymous confession sites like notproud.com and grouphug.us, I have decided that
this is a niche not yet adequately filled, and
since you can never have too many evil sexual
deviants in your audience, I decided to create my
own anonymous confession page. So, if you've got
something on your chest, feel free to post it
below for all to see.
UPDATE:
After certain parties decided to abuse my system,
I decided to take down the submit functions. You
can still read the confessions I received so far,
though.
| I need to confess about
what happened at this party I went to the
other night. I was getting pretty drunk
and this guy came up to me. I think his
exact words were 'You, me, sex, now',
and, well, I guess I'm a sucker for that
kind of sweet-talk, because the next
thing I knew we were in one of the
bedrooms rutting like some animal
proverbial for rutting all the time. The
worst part of it is, my boyfriend burst
in at one point and saw me. He didn't say
anything, just left straight away. I know
I should have said something or gone
after him, but that would have been kind
of impolite to the other guy. I was wracked
with guilt for the rest of the evening.
If it weren't for this guy doing a
hilarious glove puppet routine I would
have gotten totally depressed.
|
| |
| I've been hung up for
years on this Oriental girlfriend I used
to have, but my friends persuaded me to
go to some party to take my mind off it.
Eventually I decided to tag along, and
what do you know, my ex-girlfriend was
there! Or at least, I thought so. By the
time I had gone up to her and said
"Yumi Sechow?!", I realised it
was someone else. But the next thing I
knew she was all over me, and, well, I
guess I was just too polite to swat her
off and we ended up fucking in the room
with the coats. Some guy came in at one
point and looked completely shocked. I
guessed we were fucking on top of his
coat, or something. I would probably have
left the party then and there if it
hadn't been for that really funny guy
with the glove puppet. |
| |
| I work as a deliveryman
for the zoo, and one night I was
delivering a consignment of big tigers. I
was certain they put three in the crate
at the warehouse, but when I got to the
zoo, there were only two. I told the zoo
people that they had only put two in the
crate when I knew this to be a big fat
lie. Now there's a tiger running around
somewhere and it's all my fault. I wish
someone would come cheer me up with a
glove puppet routine or something. |
| |
| I've been so wracked with
guilt ever since that party a few nights
back. I didn't really want to go but my
girlfriend insisted, then she just sort
of abandoned me to converse with some
tedious guy who may, in retrospect, have
been an aquarium. Anyway, I go upstairs
looking for her and hear funny noises
coming from the room with the coats, I
look in, and there she is completely
naked on all fours in front of someone I
didn't know. And to make matters worse,
I'm almost certain they were fucking on
top of my coat. I left immediately, and I
suppose I must have gotten angry, because
the next thing I remember is releasing a
tiger into my girlfriend's car. I'm not
even sure where I got the tiger or that
it was even the right car, but as soon as
I had gotten back into the party and
simmered down a little bit I began to
realise that I must have been mistaken.
My girlfriend would never be unfaithful,
I was certain. They had probably just
been doing naked tai chi or something,
then one of them had fainted, and the
other was trying to revive them with
their body heat. The more I thought of
it, the more sense it made. I felt
terrible for having thought ill of my
girlfriend like that. Luckily, some kind
of hired glove puppet entertainer was
doing a routine in the living room and
took my mind off things.
|
| |
| I'm going to write this
down here because no-one I've told this
to believes me, but I swear it's
absolutely true. I was walking home one
night from a get-together at my local and
noticed that there was a party going on
in one of the houses I always pass on the
way. I was debating whether or not to
crash it when I saw some drunk girl
stumble out the front door, looking kind
of angry. She was heading for what I
presume was her car, and I could clearly
see something moving around inside it.
And I swear this is true: it was a tiger.
I was debating whether or not to warn the
chick when she opened the door and was
almost immediately eaten. Like, in two
bites. It was a big tiger. I was debating
whether or not to tell someone but I
could see through the living room window
that they were all distracted by a guy
with a glove puppet. |
| |
| A friend of mine was
hosting a party the other night. I forget
why. I told him I didn't know who had put
sulphuric acid in the punch, when it had
been me all along. I could see people
screaming with their jaws melting off and
all I could do was pretend to be
concerned. Then, when everyone was
watching the glove puppet guy, I put
drawing pins all over the toilet seat. I
don't know why I do these things. Oh wait, yes I
do: I'm a lunatic.
|
| |
| I was hosting a party the
other night. I forget why. I invited this
friend of mine. I forget why, because
he's very strange. He usually greets me
by punching me really hard in the face,
and once I introduced him to my sister
and he responded by cutting off her legs
with razor wire. I'm pretty sure he had
something to do with the acid in the
punch, because he came up to me unbidden
and shouted "I don't know who put
sulphuric acid in the punch!!"
really loudly, and this is the sort of
psychological mind game he's played on me
before. I also suspect he has something
to do with the disappearance of my cat. Later on, there
was this glove puppet routine thing and
everyone came up to me afterwards
congratulating me on hiring such a funny
performer. The truth is I had done no
such thing and had no idea who the guy
was, but I accepted the praise anyway. I
feel kind of bad about it. I would have
stopped the puppeteer and given him some
money but he left rather abruptly, and I
was more worried about the huge tiger
that seemed to be talking to me.
|
| |
| That party a few nights
back was the worst party of my entire
life. It started badly when I came in and
absolutely nobody recognised me as the
girl who played Third Girl in episode 8,
season 4 of Inspector Morse. I went
upstairs in a sulk to steal from the
host's CD collection and was thwarted by
someone fucking in the bedroom. I hung
around there for a while, but after they
had left there was this horrible layer of
sweat all over the coats and I didn't
want to go in in case I caught HIV or
something. Then, when I tried to use the
toilet, some lunatic had sprinkled
drawing pins all over it. Well, that was
the last straw, I can tell you, so I
stormed downstairs to give everyone a
piece of my mind only to find that they
were all watching some stupid puppet show
and not paying me any attention. So I
stormed out, and then, wouldn't you just
know it? There was a tiger hiding in my
car. And it ate me. Now I have to
spend the rest of my life in this fucking
tiger's stomach and it's really pissing
me off. Anyway, the reason I'm confessing
is because I told the host - through the
tiger, obviously - that I'd had a really
good time when I hadn't.
|
| |
| Well, where to begin? I
was at this party, you see, and I hadn't
intended to stay for long but I
accidentally ran over and killed a scout
troop on the way so I needed a drink to
steady my nerves. I was staring out of
the main window in the lounge and I saw
some weirdo trying to push an angry tiger
into someone's car, so I decided to run
to the kitchen to tell someone. I must
have tripped on something, 'cos I entered
the kitchen airborne and landed against
the kitchen table with my hand in the
punchbowl. Then my hand started to
dissolve for some reason and it hurt like
buggery, so I looked around for something
to wipe off the acid, and the only thing
I could find was this big furry cushion.
Only it wasn't a big furry cushion, was
it? It was the host's cat. And since I
was rather frantic, instead of just
wiping my hand, I accidentally stuck my
hand up it's bum. So there I am running
around with a screaming, flailing cat for
a hand, I run into the living room to get
some help, and everyone just thought it
was funny. And no matter how many times I
tried to tell them what had happened,
they just kept laughing. So I ran away. I
eventually dislodged the cat by smacking
it against the wall a few times. I now
have a phobia of scout troops.
|
| |
| i confess that yathzee is
a cunt lol hurr |
updates - features - essays - reviews - comics - games - novels - about - contact - forum - links
|
