 About a year ago, my fellow Redclouders held a little
competition. Trying to decide which of them was
the cutest, they left the decision up to the
readers. This may have proved a mistake, as it is
well-known that the proletariat can't be trusted
to vote for anything. I'm talking about people
who very nearly voted Princess Diana the greatest
Briton who ever lived.
Anyway,
my point is, at the time I wasn't a fully paid-up
Redcloud brother and as such was excluded from
the competition, because they're all a bunch of
nazis. Now, however, I have been writing for
L&E for a year and a half and have the words
'Redcloud Brother' under my name when I post on
the messageboard, so it's probably high time I
made my case.
Of
course, the voting has long since closed. If I am
to be Cutest Redcloud Brother, the title will
have to be an unofficial one, active only in the
hearts and minds of the readers. I know that I
will be unable to get the Cutest Redcloud Brother
Discount at McDonalds, and that I will be unable
to pass law. If, however, I can get everyone who
reads this to think "My my, that Yahtzee
certainly deserves to be Cutest Redcloud Brother
more than any of those other posers" then my
mission is successful.
So,
without further ado:
WHY
I SHOULD BE CUTEST REDCLOUD BROTHER
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Friends, my case
for why you should accept me as Cutest
Redcloud Brother is a simple one:
1. I'm English.
2. None of the others are.
Sure, you may deny the
fact that English people are cuter by
default than anyone else. You may make up
silly little myths like how we're all
supposed to have bad teeth. I,
personally, have perfect teeth, having
had some corrective dentistry during my
childhood. Oh, and I have a crown on one
of my front teeth. Half of it was broken
off after I was hit in the face by a desk
desperate thief trying to get away with a
young lady's handbag, who I artfully
foiled, because that's just the kind of
guy I am.
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Americans always think English
people are cute. Look at the reception Prince
William gets every time he goes across the pond.
Screaming girls and knickers thrown at him front,
left and centre. You don't seem to notice the
fact that he's an inbred wastrel with a big nose
and teeth like a Shetland pony's. It's just the
imbued Englishness radiating off him and
interfering with your internal cuteness radar.
Oh, and three words: James Friggin' Bond.
Arguably the most desirable man in the entire
world, who can 'cure' even the most militant of
lesbians with a single raised eyebrow, is
English. How can you argue with such evidence?
You might say
that this is sounding more like an
argument for why James Bond should be
Cutest Redcloud Brother. Not so! If
you'll let me finish, I'm going to go on
to say that James Bond and I have a lot
more in common than you might think. He
can raise one eyebrow independent of the
other, and so can I! He works for MI6,
and I once failed a job interview to get
into the Royal Air Force! He's an
international superspy wanted by women
everywhere, and I write silly pirate
novels! If I had been played by five
different people over four decades, you
wouldn't be able to tell us apart!
If you'll look at the
little cartoons Laura did for all the
Redclouders, you'll notice that I'm the
only one who isn't smiling. Furthermore,
I'm the only one who doesn't live in the
US. Furthermore, I'm the only one who
stands at six foot four inches. I'm what
you'd call the 'outcast', or the 'black
sheep' of the family. In other words, I,
unlike any of the others, have the
'mysterious' factor on my side. If that
doesn't give me enough cute points to
propel me to the top of the list, I don't
know what does. Also, I can raise one
eyebrow independent of the other.
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So, forget whoever eventually won
the vote last year. When you're thinking of
Cutest Redcloud Brother, think of the obvious
choice: Me! If I still haven't convinced you,
here are some of the more memorable scenes from my old comic strip.
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