the invention of the internet, socially inept
young people millions of miles apart found a new
way to get laid. Cyber sex produced all the
emotional benefits of the real thing without all
that tiresome nudity, squelchy noises and guilt.
long-distance shagging is nothing new. The
Internet did not invent it, merely produced a new
and more convenient method of doing it. I will
now present to you the entire history of the
phenomenon which I concisely compiled (made up)
one grey Thursday morning.
first recorded occurrence of spiritual love (as
it was then known) was by Alexander the Great in
about (insert number here)BC. Alex was a
notoriously virile man and at the time he was
having to go to an awful lot of wars against
naughty people like the Spartans, and thus
deprive his many lovers of his presence for long
periods of time. After catching one of his girls
in the bed of a suitor for the fourth time
running (only forgiving the suitor when he
promised to make Alex a free suit), he realised
he needed to find a way to satisfy his lady
friends while not at home.
first he employed slaves to wear masks bearing
his likeness and bed his women, but these slaves
were often lynched to death by fellow slaves who
hadn't gotten laid in years. Finally he hit upon
the idea of beginning a correspondence of
messages in which he would explain to his
girlfriends (the few ones that hadn't run off
with their slaves) exactly what he would be doing
to them if he was actually there.
so the history of spiritual love began.
messages Alex sent were tied to arrows and fired
from the very tops of his fortresses. He employed
only his best archers for this job so most of the
time they reached their destinations, carried on
warm air updrafts. But it was still an inexact
science at best, and many of Alex's men
remembered fondly the day their leader discovered
that he had been corresponding explicitly with an
unnamed Spartan soldier for ten months.
isn't widely known, but Alex was eventually
killed by one of these message arrows sent from
one of his lady friends. He was the butt of jokes
for centuries afterwards, and his death
certificate - filled out by Hippocrates who was
notorious for his sense of humour - reported that
the great man was 'Loved to Death'.
the Romans conquered Greece they insinuated into
their civilization many aspects of Greek culture,
among them the practise of long-distance lovin'.
The Romans - perverted bastards to a man - didn't
really have much use for the activity, as when
they fancied a screw there was nearly always a
pretty young thing or an orgy to invade nearby.
So it wasn't until after the Roman Empire fell
and the Dark Ages began in Britain (then called
Britaine, as every word in this era had to end
with an 'e') that spiritual love became common
the castles and courts of medieval England, men
were constantly horny and women had to wear at
least thirty-seven layers. This did not a happy
combination make. Often it took so long for the
women to undress for bed that by the time they
were finished the men had already fallen asleep,
woken up the following morning and gone off to
was the Duke of Northumberland, Robert 'Ravisher'
Gadling, who began the ancient practise of cyber
sex again. He was a professional adventurer and
spent a lot of time away from home, and so
frequently would resort to sending explicit
messages to his wife about what he was thinking
about doing to her. The message-tied-to-arrow
practise now having fallen out of favour with the
rulers of the country after the unfortunate
business with King Harold in 1066, messages were
now sent by servants who were bred specially for
long legs and good speaking voices. Conditioning,
however, could not prevent the messenger from
reading out Lord Gadling's messages even when his
wife had company.
Duchess of York was visiting Lady Gadling when
one of her husband's messages arrived, and wrote
in her diary: 'I was yn the parloure wythe Lorde
Gadling's byt of fluffe when a redde-faced
messynger arryved and reportyd "My lady, I
am kissinge you fulle on your rosey lyps and
sneakyng a hande into youre tyghts". Lady
Gadling seemed quyte gratefulle for the
corryspondence, and tolde the messynger that she
was "runninge my handes uppe and down youre
backe and exploryng youre mouthe wythe my
tongue". I thoughte the womyn had gone
madde, and takyng a vase in my hande, did smyte
her uponne the bonce. She was moste dyspleased.'
was something of a trend-setter, and soon the
practise was the latest craze among the gentry
until the reign of Henry VIII, when the new craze
among women of the court was marrying the King.
The ladies of England fought to marry the big
hairy bastard, and many carved a notch in their
bedpost for every time they married the King. The
final winner was Anne Boleyn, who achieved a
massive 7 notches before it was discovered that
her name was actually Alan Boleyn, and was
immediately executed by a very red-faced monarch.
Henry died and during the reign of Elizabeth I,
that notoriously frigid queen, spiritual shagging
became the norm once again. Shakespeare was
thought to be quite a keen long-distance lover,
and many scholars argue that the original script
of the Merry Wives of Windsor was misinterpreted
by his readers, and was in fact a lengthy
transcript of the sex correspondence between the
bard and his missus.
the Puritans took over England. These cast-iron
fundamentalists hated all forms of entertainment,
and despised cyber bonking above all else.
Seeking solace in their bible they took the story
of Onan, translated it into Hebrew, French,
Latin, back to French, Spanish, a language called
Puritany that they made up on the spot, German
then English, and came up with the following:
And thus the boy Onan did not bed his wife, but
went off on his holidays instead,
4. Sending to his betrothed a message on swanky
parchment, in which he detailed how much he would
enjoy kneading her melon breasts,
5. And the delightful nipples thereon, but sadly
could not as he was not in her presence.
6. And thus Onan was damned by the Lord forever,
for the Lord hateth those who are all mouth and
so spiritual love died, along with many of its
exponents during the infamous 'Naughty Parchment
Purge' of 1630, and Britain entered a long,
depressing time of good behaviour and etiquette.
Eventually even the Puritans realised how boring
life had become with no-one left to burn, and
fled to the New World of America where they could
at least have the excitement of spreading a few
venereal diseases to the natives.
wasn't until centuries later with the invention
of the telephone (the telephone had in fact been
invented in 1674 but proved useless until
Alexander Graham Bell invented the other one)
that spiritual love enjoyed a comeback. The man
Graham Bell himself knew the potential of his
device for the act, and reportedly his first
words down the line to his partner Watson were
"Come here, Watson, I want you." This
exposed their sordid affair to the world and left
them both the butt of jokes for years until they
both died. Even then they were buried in the same
the telephone lived on and enjoyed extreme
popularity. At first people were cautious and
businesslike with the device, and only when Field
Marshall Sir Douglas Haig (of the British army in
the First World War) used his phone to call his
wife and tell her what he intended to do to her
when he got back home did long-distance bonking
come back into fashion.
dwell on the fact that Sir Douglas had a crossed
wire and was in fact talking to the notorious
German flying ace Baron Von Richtoven putting on
a silly voice is surely to miss the point.
so, that is how cyber sex began. Now every time
you're pretending to be a 17-year-old cheerleader
and are cyber-fumbling with someone also
pretending to be a 17-year-old cheerleader, think
back to that great pioneer Alexander the Great,
and give thanks for the great idea that led to
the awkward social situation you now find
can't believe I wrote this much crap.
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