so it came to pass that Dr. Roy Bradley called
his best friend Dr. Mick Fuckface into Laboratory
18, the dangerous chemical facility in the heart
of the classified military research centre where
they both worked.
had been bullied relentlessly at school, due to
the fact that his name had been Ramsbottom. That
was until, with uncharacteristic logic, he
renamed himself Fuckface, and all bullying
subsequently stopped in accordance with the
'escape through excess' rule.
was standing over a workbench covered in dirty
lab equipment. Beakers, tripods, bunsen burners,
all lying discarded exactly where they had been
used. The scientific detritus seemed to revolve
around a thin collection of papers, being held in
place by a beaker half-full of a mysterious
this," said Roy when he saw his friend
did it," said Roy in a monotone, slowly
taking off his protective goggles. "I have
created the Universal Elixir."
years ago, my father discovered on the internet a
formula for something called the Universal
Elixir. A substance from which life, thought and
the human soul derive. Apparently, the entire
universe is surrounded by a gigantic halo of this
stuff, frozen solid. He printed out the recipe,
but he could never summon the courage to mix it
up. But where he failed, I have succeeded."
He held the beaker up to eye level. "I have
created the Universal Elixir. The material which
birthed all life."
you going to do with it?"
I'm going to see what happens when a human being
drinks it. I was thinking of you, actually."
Why can't you drink it?"
I'm not stupid."
enough. But what would happen to me?"
theory on the subject dictates that the drinker
would experience an incredible feeling of
omnicogisance. Their mind would be expanded to
encompass all the knowledge in the collective
mind of all life. In an instant, the subject
would be everyone, every creature that swims and
walks and flies and slithers, they would know
every experience that has ever been
on the other hand, it is not known if the human
mind has the capacity for such a thing. It could
result in a sudden moment of ultimate clarity,
then immediate death. So, have a sip and let's
you," said Mick matter-of-factly.
can understand your reluctance, my friend,"
continued Roy, "but please consider what I
am offering you. You will be everyone, know
everything. Your mind will simultaneously witness
things that Einstein would have torn his eyes out
to see. Is such a thing not worth the
wouldn't think so."
then, I'm just going to sit here until you do
lapsed into silence, frowning at the beaker in
his hand, completely still. Mick stood and
watched, fidgeting restlessly from foot to foot.
This tableau continued for a long time.
was during the sixth hour that the first
rebellious thought extended its tendrils through
Mick's innocent mind. It joined forces with his
sense of scientific curiosity, and soon it was
flashing in neon at the front of his hypothalamus
for all to see. Why not? it said. Okay, maybe
you'd die, but in that one brief moment you would
experience more than anyone else does in a
life has always been about the pursuit of higher
truth, of understanding. It's what sets us apart
from the animals. Here is your chance to know the
answer to conundrums that have plagued mankind
for millennia. So what if you die? If you knew
all of this, there would no longer be any reason
for you or anyone else to live.
the time this mischievous thought had extended to
every corner of his consciousness, Mick was
staring boggle-eyed at the beaker held before
him. A thin trickle of drool escaped his mouth
and thumped noiselessly upon the workbench below.
In one fluid movement he grabbed the glass, held
it to his lips, and tossed the entire contents
greedily down his throat.
a moment, he stood completely still, waiting for
the first fragments of knowledge to explode into
being inside his head. A great fog of expectation
filled him, bringing tears to his eyes and a
joyful smile to his mouth. He had only a vague
sense of the actions of Roy at this point.
screamed Roy, running down the corridor, waving
his arms. "MICK JUST DRANK MY
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