You join us here today in Smoky Basement, Michigan, for what promises to be an exciting tournament of bare-knuckle fist fighting, sponsored by Marlboro, the cancer that refreshes. Today promises to be a very exciting showcase of raw violence and complete disregard for basic safety standards. And just look at that crowd! Almost ten people have showed up for our first grudge match, and I'm reliably informed it could go as high as twelve before the end of the evening.

So, without further ado, let's bring our first two combatants into the ring. Two gladiators from the featherweight division. I couldn't quite make out what they were saying when we broke into their houses, beat them into submission and brought them here in burlap sacks, but it was probably something along the lines of how much they're looking forward to being a part of the contest. Let's bring them out.

And joining me now in the commentary box is a man suffering from Tourette's syndrome. Good evening, man.
Good evening.
Now, what can you tell us about our two warriors?
Well FUCK YOU, let's start with Shinji Ikari. Made famous SHIT in the highly regarded Anime series Neon Genesis Evangelion, Shinji was the ARSE pilot of Eva Unit-01, a big purple organic robot thingy that he could control by sitting in its brain CUNT. While inside the big robot he was credited SHIT SHIT GODDAMN with many feats of derring-do, although without it, as he is today, his only really notable achievements are whinging all the time and wanking over unconscious girls.
What about his opponent, the piece of wet tissue paper?
CRAP. It's a man-size tissue, from a box of Kleenex I understand. It was only FUUUCK revealed in the last few minutes that it was Aloe Vera-scented, which ASSHAT caused a lot of controversy and changing of bets. CUNTSHITTER FAGGOT the tissue's been talking a lot of smack about Shinji in the dressing room, so let's hope they're both thoroughly riled up KNICKERS.
Ah, I think I see them being led out into the ring now. Incidentally this ring was very kindly donated to the tournament by our sponsors, which explains why the floor around the perimeter is covered in smouldering cigarette ash. The spike pits and flamethrowers were provided by Al's Inventive Suicidal chain of catalogue shops. Now, the referee is just explaining the rules to the combatants. No biting, no tickling, and if either of them try to run away, we hunt down and murder their families. And there's the bell for the first round!
What... so I'm just supposed to fight the piece of tissue paper? Is that it?
But... this tissue paper hasn't done anything to me! How could I live with myself with the death of an innocent piece of tissue paper on my conscience?
I can't do it! I can't fight it! That would be wrong! Oh god, this was my chance to show everyone how strong I can be and I've messed it all up. I'm so useless and stupid, I don't deserve to be the last saviour of mankind.
Well, Shinji seems to be wrestling with some kind of internal dilemma, which I suppose we really should have expected, because frankly he goes through more internal dilemmas than your mum goes through sailors.
He'd better TWAT do something soon, Yahtz, this crowd looks like it might turn ugly.
I mustn't run away. I mustn't run away. I mustn't run away.
And it looks like Shinji has crawled into the foetal position and gone into what appears to be a catatonic state. This is turning into something of a disappointment. This event was advertised as no holds barred, but the only hold we've been seeing so far is Shinji holding his knees up against his chest.
If it's a hold, it isn't barred. PUSSY Shinji's in a very firm position legally. All we can COCK do is wait for him to come to some kind of epiphany that helps him realise his true strength.
Oh, gawd.

Forty-seven rounds later...

M, A, R, L, B, O, R, O. Marlboro. On a double word score, plus fifty points for using all the letters. Comes to... rather a lot.
FUCKING ASS FAGGOT. Any movement on Shinji's part yet?
Nope. We tried setting his shirt on fire, but he doesn't seem to have noticed.

Meanwhile, in Shinji's imagination...

Shinji... you must prove yourself once again...
But I'm so scared!
If you do not prevail today, how will you ever become the man you wish to be?
How can I defeat the tissue paper? I'm just me!
You are everything you can be if you believe in yourself.
You always say that.
Oh for god's sake. Look, we both know how this works. You go into catatonic state and have fantasy sequence, fantasy sequence slowly convinces you to do the right thing, you have some big epiphany after ten minutes and go forth to save the day. We've been through this before. Let's just cut out the middleman and go straight to the epiphany bit.
I can't just make an epiphany happen, you know.
Okay, fair point. How about, if you win the fight, I'll let you see my goodies?
That's not fair. You're a fantasy woman. You haven't got any nipples.
Hey, they're still the most realistic goodies you'll ever see. Take it or leave it. Goodies and glory or neither.
Can I touch them?
OK, but wash your hands first.
Go Go Gadget Epiphany!

Back at the fight...

Sorry it took so long, it took ages to find a PENIS Subway open at this hour. You wanted chicken VAGINA fillet on wheat, right?
Never mind that now, man suffering from Tourette's syndrome! Shinji's moving! He's actually on his feet! What could be going through that young man's head?
This is it! I am Shinji Ikari! I am me! I am the master of my destiny! I will get my hands on fantasy girl's goodies! If I squint hard enough, this tissue paper looks vaguely like my dad!
I think that says it all! I've never seen such an elaborate frenzied assault and destruction of a piece of blameless tissue on the part of a fourteen-year-old psycho. Well, what an upset! I know a lot of bookies who'll be dancing in the streets tonight!
Yes! I am Shinji Ikari! I am the greatest! I am... I am...
I'm surprised it took so long for the fire to spread as far as his hair. I've got to get me one of those shirts.
He's still running around screaming. JIZZ. Why doesn't he just stop, drop and roll?
Ah, well, they're not taught that in Japan. Japan is so horribly overcrowded, you see, that anyone who catches fire is immediately put out by the huge throngs of people squashed penguin-like against them.
It's a lovely country, Japan. And so sexually liberated.
I know. Even now there are probably six or seven Japanese people watching this and becoming aroused at the idea of a school-age boy running around engulfed in flame. Well, looks like a kindly member of the audience has been good enough to fetch a fire extinguisher, so we'll be able to declare the winner as soon as the skin grafts are completed.
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Shinji Tissue paper


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All material not otherwise credited by Ben 'Yahtzee' Croshaw
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