One of my
favourite websites at present is Concerned, wherein Chris
Livingston (formerly of Not My Desk and friend to Lance and Eskimo) uses Half-Life
2 and Garry's Mod to make witty comic strips that
simultaneously pay homage to and poke fun at
Valve's beautiful opus. But there're more than
just comics on the site. In his blog Chris also
has a feature called 'To The Death!' in which he
sets up huge battles between various NPCs,
switches on the AI and records the results.
it's been quite some time since he last did one
of those, and frankly this makes me sad because
it's one of my favourite parts of the site. So I
thought I'd take the initiative and continue the
feature while we wait for Chris to pull his
finger out. Remember: it's not plagiarism if you
mention who you nicked it from.
without further ado:
MOD: ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE
terrifying near future scenario. Humanity dabbled
with science it was not meant to understand, and
for its hubris, was decimated. Once mighty cities
reduced to gutted ruins. Parks and malls that
once rumbled with life are now howling
wastelands. Here, in this lonely corner of
gm_construct, ancient playthings groan with rust,
the joyful cries of children now almost
forgotten, like a wisp of smoke in a darkened
a nearby bunker, a tiny pocket of resistance
struggles to survive. The apocalypse has made
life difficult for these lost souls. The TV only
gets three channels now, and they can only use
the gas during off-peak hours. Sooner or later,
someone's going to crack. There is a watermelon
on the sofa, but you probably shouldn't read too
much into that.
up position at the left-hand window are the
Davison twins, Jill and Cathy. Jill once ran a
profitable internet business which involved
dressing up like Father Christmas and removing
garments one by one in front of a webcam. Those
times are long gone, though, and now she only
brings out the Father Christmas outfit to unwind
after a hard day's looting. Cathy, a former
chemist, can't say she approves, but the bonds of
sisterhood are too strong to be threatened by a
little thing like gratuitous nudity. The sisters
are armed with an SMG and a pulse rifle.
the next window along stand Joe McGee and Zack
Flash. Joe has been trying to decide for several
months now which of the Davison sisters he wants
to rebuild the human race with. Jill seems like
the easier lay but the extra work required for
Cathy would make it more satisfying. Zack Flash
has already shagged them both, along with every
other woman in the world, but he hasn't the heart
to mention this and ruin Joe's self-image as the
alpha male. Joe and Zack are also armed
respectively with an SMG and a pulse rifle.
seems to know who these two are. They just
arrived at the bunker one day, speaking in
tongues and whacking each other with crowbars
with what can only be described as religious
furore. Zack, a prolific world traveller,
believes they may belong to an ancient
crowbar-worshipping trepanation cult and advises
that everyone stay out of their way lest they
that's the survival squad. Here's what they're up
on the left...
on the right...
having a bit of a play...
a few more scattered around here and there,
making a grand total of SHITLOADS.
is the barricade our heroes have built up in the
bunker entrance. They've used pretty much
everything they could spare, including a couple
of explosive barrels buried in the middle of the
stack. Hey, they're not the sharpest survivors in
the holocaust, alright? If they had any sense
they wouldn't have holed themselves up here in
Zombie Central with nothing but a melon to keep
representatives of the indomitable human spirit
up against a great big pile of shambling undead.
Will man and melonkind survive the mistakes of
the past, or will the zombie hordes be dining on
a great big hypothalamus buffet tonight? Let's GO
right. Let's TURN THE AI BACK ON!
we're off. Somewhat predictably, all the zombies
start shambling directly towards the bunker. The
four hardened rebels are made of stern stuff,
though, and immediately open fire. One thing I
always loved about helpful NPCs in Half-Life 2 is
that they're skilled enough to be useful but not
so skilled as to be showing you up all the time.
So the zombie horde gets right up to the bunker
with minimal casualties.
all a bit too much for Jill Davison, though, and
she tactically backs off from the window to evade
her pursuers, despite there being a two foot
thick concrete wall between them and her. Better
safe than sorry, I guess.
one zombie relaxes against the side of the
screen, his chums have already smashed their way
through the barricade. It seems, though, that
zombie swipes aren't powerful enough to detonate
the explosive barrels, not that they needed any
help. In this shot you can also see the letter F
on a wall. It was originally going to read 'FUCK
OFF ZOMBIES' but I gave up.
are looking bad for the human race (all six of
them) as the encroaching zombies force them to
back into the corner, with the exception of one
of the Crowbarologists, who is wondering why her
friends are yelling at her to turn around.
for the future of crowbar religions, the
besieging zombie gets confused and begins heading
into the residential quarter. I think he may be
after the melon. Fortunately for watery fruit,
this zombie is swiftly gunned down.
outside, this bunch of zombies are trying to
infiltrate the bunker via the other entrance.
Unfortunately they haven't yet realised that I
blocked off that entrance with two giant blast
doors. Silly zombies! No brains for you!
some rotted neurones fire somewhere in the depths
of their dead brains and they find the proper
entrance. Except one zombie who appears to be
sunbathing. Well, he's not going to fill his
tummy down there, but I wish more people could
approach warfare with the same easy-goingness as
Sunbathe Q. Zombie.
heroic survivors are still yet to suffer a single
casualty. During a brief lull in the action the
male Crowbarologist attempts to convert Zack
Flash, who is having none of it.
by one the zombies enter the bunker, and one by
one they get turned into greasy stains on the
wall. However, sheer weight of numbers is working
in their favour, and one or two of their brave
lads are slowly making their way closer to
dinner. It could still go either way, just so
long as no stray rounds hit one of those
explosive barreOH SHIT
And even worse, I didn't have time to catch the
explosion, only the aftermath. What I initially
thought would spell the doom of the human
survivors has instead utterly destroyed all that
remained of the zombie army! The air is thick
with the smell of roast headcrab and the bunker
has been repainted a godawful yellow.
that was a pretty pathetic zombie holocaust. The
survivors step out into the open to inspect a job
little do they suspect that something is watching
from the undergrowth.
HOW THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
HATH THE CROWBAR FORSAKEN US
one single solitary rebel survives the
conflagration. It's either Jill or Cathy, I can
never tell those two apart. I still have no idea
how this happened. Last I checked there were four
super zombies against this lady, then suddenly
they were all lying in a heap. I can only presume
she hulked out when I wasn't looking.
when she realised that the loss of all the men
had utterly scuppered the survival chances of the
human race, she ended her nightmare with a single
gunshot to the head. And by 'she' I mean 'I'. So
all in all, a decisive, if somewhat Pyrrhic,
victory for the human race.
little dolly on the slide can bear to watch no
that was fun. Chances are I'll do this again some
time, and try to even the odds a little better in
the zombies' favour. See you then!
yeah, and read Chris Livingston's comic, it rocks.
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