A BIG RED SHINY
Short Drama In Four Acts
For Three Performers
Ben 'Yahtzee' Croshaw
PHIL: A naive
TIM: A sarcastic pessimist
PYRAMID HEAD: A dear friend
ordinary room in an ordinary apartment. The
heroes, PHIL and TIM, are sitting bored on the
couch, staring straight ahead. ]
You know what's weird?
(makes a very weird noise)
(after a long pause)
Yes, that was pretty weird.
doorbell rings ]
I wonder who that could be?
Less wondering, more answering.
[ PHIL gets
to his feet and answers the door. We see him open
the door of the apartment from the POV of the
visitor, and we see him react with surprise. Cut
suddenly to PHIL's POV. A man dressed like
PYRAMID HEAD from Silent Hill 2 is standing
there, breathing heavily and clutching an
enormous knife. Scary music plays. Intercut
between close-ups of PHIL's horrified face and
urgent zooms into PYRAMID HEAD. Then, cut music
and cut very suddenly to PYRAMID HEAD sitting on
the couch in the same posture as PHIL and TIM
before, while the two men stand in the corner
watching him. ]
Does he have a collar?
Nope. Guess he's a stray.
Well then, call the pound.
I don't want to call the pound. They'd
just put him down.
He can't stay here.
What do you mean, why not? We can't look
after a Pyramid Head!
I could look after him.
HEAD gets up slowly and stumbles drunkenly over
to another part of the room, dragging his big
knife. He continues to wander around the scene
throughout the following dialogue. ]
I don't know, Phil, a Pyramid Head is a
Why are you so insistent?
It's just, well... my parents never let
me have a Pyramid Head when I was a kid. For
years I begged for them to let me have a Pyramid
Head for my very own, but they never listened.
Then, one Christmas, they got me a zombie nurse,
and said if I could prove I could look after her
responsibly then they'd think about getting me a
Pyramid Head next year.
So what happened?
I loved that zombie nurse. I called her
Cowbell and took her everywhere I went. For
eleven months I fed her and walked her and loved
her... and then it all went wrong. Just one month
before Christmas. Fatty Dipshit down the road got
me some illegal fireworks from Mexico. I just...
I just wanted to see what would happen. Good god,
I thought zombie nurses made horrible noises
anyway, but you should hear them once they're lit
And that's going to be different now, is
Oh, you bet! I'll take him for walks and
feed him and bathe him and clean up after him and
love him forever and ever! Can I keep him, can I?
Well... okay. But he's sleeping in your
Yaaay! (patting his thighs
encouragingly) C'mere, boy!
[ The heavy,
industrial first boss battle music from Silent
Hill 2 starts playing and PYRAMID HEAD starts
moving very, very slowly towards PHIL and TIM in
the same manner as he did in the aforementioned
boss battle sequence, dragging his knife behind
him. Intercut between PHIL and TIM watching him
curiously and PYRAMID HEAD moving very slowly.
After several intercuts, PYRAMID HEAD is barely
half-way across the room.]
I think I'm going to call him Lightning.
apartment again. PYRAMID HEAD is dragging his
knife around the room while PHIL sits reading a
book. TIM enters speaking into a dictaphone (or a
microphone while carrying a tape deck) ]
Lightning appears to have acclimatised
himself to the apartment. This morning he marked
his territory by raping Phil's bathrobe as it
hung from the bedroom doorknob.
What are you doing?
I'm keeping a record. I figured when the
police come to scrape up the piles of human
coleslaw that used to be us, it would be helpful
if they knew it was all your stupid fault.
[ TIM sits
down next to PHIL ]
You've just bought into all the myths
about Pyramid Heads. They're quite docile in
their natural habitat and can even be trained to
murder on command. I got this book out of the
library. It says all you really need to train a
Pyramid Head is a stern voice and a ball-peen
hammer. (produces one)
[ PHIL goes
up to PYRAMID HEAD and gets his attention.
PYRAMID HEAD watches curiously as PHIL brandishes
his hammer. ]
Okay, Lightning? Sit! Siii-iiit! (he
puts his hand on PYRAMID HEAD's back and pushes
down) Siiiit! (long pause, PYRAMID HEAD just
watches, curiously. Finally, PHIL starts banging
his pyramid with the hammer) Bad! Bad! Bad! Sit!
HEAD swings his huge knife and PHIL leaps
backwards just in time, falling back onto the
couch next to TIM. ]
Jesus Christ, he tried to maim you!
[ PHIL gets
up again. ]
Actually, the book says that's a very
positive step. It means Lightning recognises me
as a parental figure. (starts scratching
Lightning's pyramid head) You tried to maim your
daddy! Yes you did!
[ Fade out
and fade up. PHIL and TIM sitting next to each
other on the sofa again. We hear the TV playing
I wonder whose he is.
No, I mean... Pyramid Heads are supposed
to be the manifestation of someone's guilt for
past evils. I'm just wondering whose guilt he's
I never really thought about it. I guess
But you're the most evil person I know.
I think it has to be a really serious
evil, like murder or something.
You do murders all the time. You
murdered that guy last week.
Yeah, but I didn't feel GUILTY about it.
Well then, I dunno.
[ long pause
D'you think we should declare today
Lightning's birthday? We could paint his head
with funny stripes.
Look, don't start getting too attached
to this thing, okay? They're like cats. He'll
probably just move on in a day or two.
I dunno, he looks like he's settling in
[ Zoom out
to reveal that PYRAMID HEAD is slumped in an
armchair with a remote control in one hand and a
coffee mug in the other, watching TV ]
entirety of act three is a montage in which PHIL
and PYRAMID HEAD rejoice in their new
relationship to the tune of a nice jolly song,
like 'Something Tells Me I'm Into Something Good'
or something like that. What you stick in this
montage entirely depends on what resources are
available. Just so long as it's as deliriously
happy and as completely silly as possible.
- PHIL and
P.H. playing a board game
- PHIL and PYRAMID HEAD on swings
- PYRAMID HEAD running around with other people's
dogs in the park while PHIL looks on proudly
- PHIL and P.H. in a swimming pool passing a
beach ball back and forth
- PHIL throws a stick for P.H., P.H. runs off
camera after it, then comes back with a severed
arm; both laugh heartily
- PHIL and P.H. dancing around in a fountain a la
Friends opening sequence
apartment again, empty but for a mangled bloody
corpse on the sofa. After a few seconds, TIM
comes home from work ]
Hey, I'm home! (notices corpse) oh,
offscreen for a moment, then comes back on with a
pooper scooper. Cut suddenly to TIM in the
apartment a bit later, wiping off his hands.
Corpse is now missing. After a second, PHIL comes
back in with PYRAMID HEAD. Both are wearing
Burger King crowns and giggling. PHIL notices TIM
and attempts to sober up. ]
Your little friend left another present
on the living room floor.
Aw, sorry, man, I'll go out and dig a
shallow grave in a second -
Don't bother. I already did it. I knew
this would happen. You shirk your
responsibilities and I end up having to pick up
Look, I said I was sorry, alright? Get
off my back. I'll bury all the corpses from now
It's not just the corpses and you know
it. He's totally out of control. (pulls out stack
of filthy papers) I keep finding these stupid
cryptic notes all over the place. And last night
I had to walk all over the apartment looking for
three different-coloured statuettes of crucified
babies just to get into my bedroom.
He's just playing...
I don't care! You should have trained
him to stop doing all this!
I just can't bring myself to use that
hammer anymore, Tim. Not when he gives me those
big, soulful eyes...
He hasn't got eyes!
Big, soulful... angles...
I knew you couldn't be trusted to look
after anything. I knew I should have learned my
lesson after that fucking headcrab. Well, I'm
putting my foot down. If he's not properly
trained by the end of the week he's going to the
You know what? Fine. I'll have him
trained by the end of the week. I could have him
trained by the end of the day if I felt like it.
I am to Pyramid Head training what Joan of Arc
was to getting killed in a spectacular way.
Yeah, well, I'll believe it when I -
PYRAMID HEAD makes a very weird noise, exactly
like the weird noise Phil made at the beginning
of this play. PHIL and TIM jump in surprise.
What the hell was that?
HEAD makes the noise again ]
Isn't that the weird noise I made a few
Yes. (suspiciously) Literally seconds
before Lightning appeared.
What're you saying?
I understand now. I think Lightning is
the manifestation of the guilt you feel for
making a weird noise!
But... I don't feel guilty about that.
[ With a
loud pop, PYRAMID HEAD disappears (jump cut)
I mean I do feel guilty about it! I do!
Oh Jesus fucking Christ do I feel guilty about
it! (drops to his knees where PYRAMID HEAD was,
inconsolable with grief) Oh, come back,
Lightning! I'll take you to the skating rink and
you can braid my hair and we'll go and throw
things at James Sunderland's house... (speech
degenerates into incoherent sobbing)
Well, this was a... bewildering course
of events... (PHIL howls even louder) Ok, look,
there there, don't cry. He had a good, full,
seventy-two hour life. And I'm sure he's very
happy and looking down on us right now from the
big, poorly-designed labyrinth in the sky.
I was going to buy him a little spear
with a bell in it... I was going to take him to
the big Pyramid Head show in September...
Damn. I feel kind of guilty, now.
HEAD pops into existence next to TIM with another
jump cut ]
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