WHAT I DID OVER
THE WEEKEND, PART 2
the evil Microsoft Word helper doggie had flown
out of my window and an encyclopaedia of entirely
useless trivia was loading down my brain, I was
kind of agitated. I ran around the house waving a
large inflatable banana and smashing all the
furniture, like I always do when I panic, but
then began to calm down. I began to wonder
exactly what kind of damage the helper doggie
could do. Sure it was an unstoppable robotic
beast stuffed with all the useful information on
the Internet, but how effective would he be
against, say, a nuclear warhead? I doubt he could
stop one of those by showing people how to
organise their tab codes.
more I thought about it, the more relaxed I
became. The whole thing would probably blow over
in a couple of days. I should just forget the
whole sorry affair and start another wacky
adventure. Just as I was nearly finished building
a working time machine out of a bathtub and old
paper fasteners, I cocked an ear to the radio as
one of Jimmy Somerville's greatest hits was
interrupted by an urgent news bulletin.
just in," said the presenter urgently.
"The Prime Minister has resigned following a
secret meeting between him and a mysterious
figure known only as H. Doggie. In a speech to
the nation he announced that, after a long
conversation with Doggie, he realised that he
could never be one bit as good as Doggie at
ruling the country, and has immediately appointed
him to be his successor. H. Doggie was best
described by onlookers as 'a small, robot dog in
a cape with glowing red eyes'."
I said aloud, "it's not necessarily the
killer MS Word helper doggie bent on destroying
agree that H. Doggie is probably a killer MS Word
helper doggie," continued the radio.
"he announced today that his first act in
office will be to destroy humanity, and will be
speaking with the President of the USA
I booted up the other computer I own that hadn't
been destroyed by radioactive waste and ran MS
Word. There was always a chance that the helper
doggie had returned to where he belonged. To my
dismay, all I found was some kind of answer
was serious. I had to warn the President. H.
Doggie was no doubt planning to hypnotise or kill
the leader of the free world. Hurriedly I grabbed
the phone, asked directory enquiries to put me
through to the President, succeeded on the fifth
attempt, and after listening to twenty minutes of
'Me So Horny' they finally put me through.
President," I said, "PLS DONT TRUST H
DOGGIE HE IS AN EVIL ROBOT KILLER MACHINE BENT ON
DESTROYING HUMANITY PLS GET YOUR MEN TO BLOW HIM
AWAY AS SOON AS HE ARRIVES OK THX BYE LOL"
I decided, finally. It looked like it was going
to be just me against him. Somehow I had to use
my wealth of useless information to combat his
database-like flawless robot mind. Fortunately he
had made one mistake when transferring the
information from the internet - he had left me
with the Anarchist's Handbook. I had bomb-making
and subversive hacking skills to rival any other
internet nerd to aid me. After an hour spent
assembling pipebombs from everyday household
tools, I strapped them diagonally across my chest
for no apparent reason and set to work.
Doggie was flying to Washington in an armoured
jet this very night. Just like in incredibly
realistic movies like Hackers and The Net, maybe
I could hack into the airline computers and get
the plane to crash? It was a gamble, but I was
willing to take it.
couple of hours later, I was staring at a monitor
full of computerised gobbledegook and was
surrounded by empty Jolt Cola cans, but didn't
seem to be making any progress at all. That was
until something popped up on screen.
halted my mouse hand as it sped towards the
'close' button. Perhaps this terminally
irritating piece of office stationery was some
kind of blessing in a very good disguise.
but perhaps you could help me with some other
area," I typed.
paperclip did a little loop-de-loop. Clearly
no-one had asked him for help in a very long
time. "Just say the word, chief!" it
your professional relationship with the doggie in
the cape?" I asked.
it turned out, Lawrence - the paperclip's real
name, apparently - had a long-standing rivalry
going on with H. Doggie, who had apparently once
blatantly held some papers together in a gross
attempt to muscle in on Lawrence's territory.
I typed. "Listen to me..."
following morning, H. Doggie arrived in
Washington and came to the White House, where he
was greeted warmly at the door by the President
and shown into the Oval Office. The Oval Office
wasn't exactly as H. Doggie was expecting it. It
seemed to be furnished with old plastic garden
furniture and lacked a carpet.
then," said the President. "To
business," said Doggie. "I have a
proposition for you."
shure do love propositions. Do go on."
produced what looked like a miniature raygun from
the depths of his cape, and pointed it at the
President. "This is a hypnosis ray,"
said the evil hound. "It will reduce you to
a subversive vegetable who will do everything I
say without question."
you're not mah daddy-"
flesh being!" barked the robot. "Let
this day mark the beginning of the Rise of the
Machines!" Then he shot the President.
then," said the dog. "I want you to
initiate immediate war with all the nuclear arms
bearing squashy human countries. Let's have you
all wiped out as quickly and as cleanly as
don't think I'll be doing that," said the
President, dropping his accent and folding his
arms. To say the doggie was surprised would be a
severe understatement. He shot the President
again, and again, to no apparent effect.
said the leader of the free world. "Your ray
is useless against me! For I am not the President
I said, pulling off my mask. "It's me! Your
hypnosis ray cannot work against me, as my brain
is so heavily loaded with trivia that I can't
concentrate on your ray long enough to be
hypnotised by it!"
Did you know that Ronan from Boyzone likes eating
up!" yelled the dog, pulling another
vicious-looking gun. "Prepare to die, waste
of organic matter!"
were so easily tricked," I continued, edging
near the window. "I built this mocked up
version of the White House, then hacked into
every website on the Internet that listed the
White House's address and changed it to my false
address! Since you get all your knowledge from
the 'Net, you were fooled and I got you here easy
cunning," said the doggie. "But now you
leapt out of the window. Fortunately the timer on
the pipebombs had allowed me enough time to make
my explanatory speech, and the whole place was
blown into millions of tiny bits just as I was
landing on the pile of empty cardboard boxes I
had prepared earlier. Lawrence, now in the form
of a small robot paperclip formed from the shell
of my other computer, met me on my soft landing.
it work, chief?" he asked.
a dream. H. Doggie has been blown sky hi -"
stopped. Something was happening in the burnt-out
wreckage of the faux White House. An enormous
domed head parted the blackened rafters that made
up the roof, and didn't stop. It continued
growing until it stood over us like some mighty
TO DIE," said the hundred foot helper
this is bastardy," I commented, diving aside
as a massive paw crashed into the area I had been
just a moment before.
this to me, chief!" chirruped Lawrence, who
suddenly seemed to be a lot bigger than I
remember, too. But he stopped at fifty feet,
making him still half the size of his nemesis.
was an epic battle. Lawrence had agility on his
side, and ducked half of Doggie's hammer-like
blows easily, but his lack of power was to his
cost. No matter where he struck it only seemed to
make the canine monster more angry, and Lawrence
couldn't last long under the weight of that fury.
There were dents and scratches all over his
robotic frame after just a few minutes of
fighting. Meanwhile, I stood nearby and shouted
encouragement. But from under a piece of
corrugated iron. I mean, it was starting to rain
Lawrence's light blows made Doggie more furious
than he had ever been before. He was glowing a
vibrant red, and the grass around his feet was
spontaneously catching fire. With a noise that
sounded for all the world like an almighty
'SPANG!' a large chunk of metallic skull burst
off his head.
Lawrence!" I yelled over the thunder rolling
around the sky. "Go for his exposed
didn't need to be told twice. He flipped into the
air, straightened himself out into a long, thin
wire, and buried one end of himself into Doggie's
computerised mind. The other end of the wire was
swatting around aimlessly, but then for some
reason it coiled itself around my neck.
I shouted as I was plucked from my hidey-hole.
struck, and it struck hard. Electricity crackled
along Lawrence's massive form, making him judder
and shake violently. I felt it course through my
spectacles and then into Doggie's brain. Images
were flashing in front of me again - knowledge
was passing through my mind at incredible speeds
once again, but now in the opposite direction.
Megabyte after megabyte of entirely fatuous
personal homepages were flooding Doggie's hard
drive, and I knew it couldn't last.
do you think happened next?
Doggie's head exploded, that's what.
it was over, just as suddenly as it had begun.
Molten debris rained down. Doggie's burnt out
shell was still and useless, naught but scrap
metal. Burns covered my body and my clothes were
torn. And as for Lawrence? He was lying still
next to his enemy, half-melted, beady little
cartoon eyes staring glassily. He was dead.
shrugged, and went home.
he was REALLY irritating.
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