From: Block #11772
To: Hank & Alice Block
Subject: New job

Dear mum and dad,

Today was the first day of my new job at Bowser Enterprises. I am taking the position of a ceiling block on level 2. My supervisor said I was a natural. Management here I come!! Today I sat and did nothing, but I've been practising my ability to break into four pieces and fall apart for weeks now and I'm sure someone will give me a chance to shine.

I have been stationed next to a very nice block called Jerry who has become my new friend. He is a little bit morose sometimes. I think that is because he's been working the ceiling for forty years and no-one has ever even tried to break him. I told him I hoped to be promoted soon, and that seemed to cheer him up, because he spent the rest of the day laughing.

Here's a picture of me and the boys in action. I'm the one putting up two fingers behind Jerry's head. We all had a good laugh about that.

Your loving son,

Block #11772

From: Management
To: All Staff
Subject: Start of 1st quarter
Dear employees of Bowser Koopa Enterprises,

I'm pleased to say it's been another year of progress for the company. Who would have thought, last year, when we successfully kidnapped the princess no less than forty-eight times, that by this time we'd beat that record by no less than eight additional kidnappings? The management are extremely proud of all of you, especially Goomba #1 on level 1, who has killed more inexperienced players than any other employee. We salute you, Goomba #1!

In other news, we would like to welcome 257 new staff members to the happy family. That's 187 blocks, all fresh graduates from Block Polytechnic, 44 piranha plants, and 26 of those flappy fish with the startled expressions on their faces. Welcome aboard, everyone! For the benefit of the new bods, and to refresh everyone else's memories, allow us to remind you all of the company mission statement:


- Kidnap princess
- Make princess Bowser's slave bride


- Kill Mario
- Kidnap a hundred of those mushroom head blokes
- Build a dynamic and efficient workplace




From: Block #11772
To: Hank and Alice Block
Subject: Still alive!

Dear mum and dad,

Sorry I haven't been in touch lately, but I've been working very hard. Yesterday, one of the managers was doing an inspection and he almost glanced in my direction. I was so elated I was on a fluffy cloud all day, even after Jerry made some very spiteful remarks! I am still hoping for promotion any day now. I would really like to be a block with a secret power-up in, but Jerry tells me that it's not as glamourous as it looks, because it involves having to give birth to something with the exact same dimensions as yourself, which apparently hurts.

I know you've been waiting for some grandchildren so I have some good news for you!! The other day on my way into work I spotted a nice girl block and I just fell for her in a big way! Her name is Block #28743. She is part of a castle in world 4 so she is a bit above my social station but I think I have a chance if I woo her!

I told Jerry all about her and my plans, and he kneed me in the balls and told me to leave him alone.

Your loving son,

Block #11772

From: Accounts Department
To: Bowser Koopa CEO
Subject: First quarter

As requested, here are the details on the first quarter's profits:


Staff payroll: 187,000 coins
Bail payments: 67,000 coins
Bridge rebuilding fee: 45,000 coins
Catering: 3,000 coins
Large quantities of hammers: 950 coins
Cakes and fizzy drinks for princess: 87 coins

Sub Total: -303,037 coins


Employee housing rent payments: 28,000 coins
Bake sale profits: 47 coins
Ransom payments: Large bunch of flowers

Sub Total: 28,047 coins + assets

Grand Total: -274,990 coins + assets


Kevin OopaTroopa
Accounts Department

From: Block #28743
To: Block #38122
Subject: hi hunny!!!

ok so i was cummin into work 2day and i was like OMG all the blocks from wld 1 lvl 2 are whistling at me!!! i was like OMG i SO cannot believe this don't touch what u cant afford boys!!!! work has been soooo boring lately u gonna go 2 block #97441's party?? i might if you go but if you arent i wont because 97441 is way fat and she says she didnt make out with Goomba #87 but im like OMG u liar everyone saw it and shes all like shut up he asked me to get something out of his eye and im like yeah ur tits maybe cos hes always starin at ur tits LOL and shes like fuck off and im like whatEVA.

From: Goomba #112
To: Hollywood Theatrical Agency
Subject: FAO: Keanu Reeves

Dear Mr. Reeves

I am a Goomba on the first level of world 3 of Super Mario Brothers 1, and a long-term fan of your work. My job requires me to spend long periods of time with a fixed expression of mild anxiety on my face, but I find it very stressful to do this for more than a few hours, and the temptation to use some other facial expression becomes very great.

I am writing to ask if you have time to give me a few pointers, since I have seen you in several films and you seem to have been wearing the same fixed anxious expression since 1990.

With respect and thanks,

Goomba #112

From: Address Withheld
To: Block #28743
Subject: A Poem For You

Dear Block #28743,

Two eight seven forty-three,
You're the only block for me.
How I long to get all tangled
In your delicious, firm right angles.

You have the stuff that most girls lack,
A vision of heaven in brown and black.
No need to run from me, no need to hide,
You're ten pixels tall and ten pixels wide.

My heart aches for you and leaves my soul sore.
The most wonderful creature in all of world four.
When I gaze at you I feel true love beckon.
Oh, for just one glorious shagging session.


Your Secret Admirer

From: Mushroom Kingdom Registry Office
To: Bowser Koopa
Subject: Errors in application

Dear Mr. Koopa,

I am returning your application for marriage once again with the request that the following errors be corrected.

1. Once again I remind you that we do require a genuine signature from your fiancee, and the signature on your form differs greatly from all other samples of her signature. Writing the words 'Seriously, this is my signature' underneath is not sufficient clarification.

2. Instead of references from your fiancee's parents, you appear to have simply included photocopies of your own parents' references with the names changed unconvincingly with a red crayon.

3. There appears to be some confusion over your fiancee's surname. On one of the forms, her name is given as 'Princess Peach', and in another as 'Princess Toadstool'. You also refer to her as 'Daisy' for some reason on form 17A.

4. In several of the sections clearly labelled 'do not write in this space', you have drawn crude pictures of a short man in a big moustache being anally raped by a large lizard-like creature.

Once these matters have been cleared, and the 270 coin fee has been paid, we will be very happy to organise a ceremony.

Yours sincerely,

Mark Aritalbliss
Mushroom Kingdom Registry Office

From: Block #28743
To: Block #38122
Subject: Re: hi hunny!!!

OMG u will never believe it!!! some1 sent me a LOVE POEM!!! this is soooo cool its just like in sleepless in seattle i know exactly who it came from too i bet it came from that dreamy goomba on world 3 lvl 1 who has that fixed expression of anxiety that reminds me of keanu reeves.

From: Block 11772
To: Hank and Alice Block
Subject: Hello

Dear mum and dad,

I'm a little bit morose because I've probably had the worst day of my life. It started off badly when I came into work and saw Block #28743, who you will remember is the block I am trying to woo, coming in with some Goomba with a really anxious look on his face that reminded me of Hugo Weaving.

Things got worse later. My supervisor came around and gave me my wages, but I hadn't had them for ten minutes before some jerk started hitting me from underneath and pinched all my coins! I wasn't that bothered because I was originally going to use them to take Block #28743 to the pictures and I guess that's not an option anymore. Jerry was laughing until he got banged from underneath as well, and that's when it happened. All this time, that bastard Jerry was hiding an extra life and he never told me. I felt quite betrayed, and I gave him a right earful until I realised he wasn't moving.

Anyway, the funeral is next Friday, and I've sort of decided not to apply to become a secret bonus block. I'm thinking I might like to become one of those blocks with the little fiery whips attached, but some of the other lads told me that those little fiery things can be real jerks.

Your loving son,

Block 11772

From: Dr. Terry Oadstool
To: Mushroom Kingdom State Mental Hospital
Subject: subject

I have analysed the patient, and am returning my diagnosis as requested.

SUBJECT: Subject is a twenty-three year old toadstool man in perfect physical health. He has worked as a member of the Princess' entourage for several years. He is unmarried, a non-smoker and an occasional social drinker.

SYMPTOMS: Subject began acting strangely after a sharp blow to the head during the princess' latest kidnap ordeal. The physical effects have dissipated, but for some reason the subject is now incapable of saying any phrase other than "our princess is in another castle". Aside from this he seems quite normal, and says the phrase in a variety of different pitches and tones depending on his mood.

DIAGNOSIS: Subject is obviously suffering from some kind of mental block as a result of the trauma caused by the blow. A course of aversion therapy may be helpful. In the meantime, I would suggest that he can still be gainfully employed if we place him in a castle where the princess is not being held, so that he can provide a useful service to anyone who infiltrates the fortress mistakenly.


Dr. Oadstool


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