As many intelligent people know, all of life's mysteries can be explained by digging around in a filing cabinet. Whether it be the mystery of Atlantis, the Bermuda Triangle, or the fate of that sheaf of photocopier paper that didn't arrive two weeks ago. Tonight we delve into the archives of a nondescript genetic research institute to explore one of the most enigmatic cartoon characters the world has ever known. The name of the institute has, of course, been changed.

TWATTYBOLLOCKS GENETIC RESEARCH INSTITUTE

LABORATORY 41
Report no. 722813

SUBJECT: Experiment 84-917-Omega

EXPERIMENT DETAILS: The purpose of the experiment was to see the results of bombarding a developing human fetus with a variation of serum BMG27171 (see report no. 114229), then allowing the subject to fully develop in laboratory conditions.

RESULTS:

There was no immediate mutation to the fetus when the serum was applied, but as the baby developed over the next few months we began to see several physical defects. Muscular swelling in both wrists resulted in the mid-sections of the forearms being in parts wider than the hands. Similar mutation occurred in the ankles. An expansion of the marrow in the bone of the lower jaw caused it to expand, resulting in a large outward-jutting chin. A birthmark appeared on the back of both the oversized wrists. Each one resembled a cross with a crescent at the bottom. An anchor, in other words.

As the subject grew up in the laboratory, it seemed outwardly to be perfectly normal despite the glaring physical defects. Dr. Environ gave the subject a wooden smoker's pipe to play with as stimulation, but the subject placed the pipe in his mouth and due to the nature of the subject's facial disfiguration we have been unable to remove it. We have also noticed that the subject is physically more able than the average infant of this age. We came into the lab one morning to find the subject punching at the walls of its containment pen, making some progress.

The subject's diet has been recorded and listed overleaf for six months of the observation period. We have found that certain foods, particularly fruits and vegetables, have a drastic effect on this subject's ability in several areas. The most interesting effects are listed below.

SAMPLE 1: Spinach - Upon eating the sample, subject's physical ability suddenly accelerated to an as yet unheard of degree. The swellings in the wrists and ankles expanded and contracted rapidly. Subject once again tried to break out of the pen and succeeded with obvious ease. Subject then leapt fifteen feet in the air and punched a security guard in the face, sending him fly right across the laboratory. Eventually, having taken out most of the institute's security force, subject's strength returned to normal level. It is interesting to note that the subject preffered canned spinach although all varieties had a similar effect. Subject opened can by squeezing hard until it burst open, then would either catch the resultant flying vegetation in his mouth or suck it down his throat via his pipe.

Although spinach had the most obvious and extreme effect, other fruits and vegetables also enhanced subject's power to a lesser degree.

SAMPLE 2: Artichokes - subject's intelligence rose to an astonishing degree. However, still insists on saying 'blows me down'. Remind Dr. Johnson to organize English tutoring.

SAMPLE 3: Pomegranates - subject contracted mysterious ability to inflict mind control over fish and marine animals.

SAMPLE 4: Kiwi fruit - no effect on its own, but seems to cancel out effect of pomegranate.

SAMPLE 5: Red cabbage - Subject suddenly became supernaturally attractive to the opposite sex. Several female staff had to be sedated. Green cabbage cancelled out above but also made the subject attractive to large carnivorous mammals for no apparent reason

SAMPLE 6: Brussel sprouts - Subject immediately vomited up everything he'd eaten over the last twenty-four hours, although Dr. Environ wonders if we should count this, as they have the same effect on several test animals and most of the staff.

FURTHER TESTING: Subject should be kept under observation, fed mixtures of effective fruits and vegetables. Also experimentation should be made to confirm whether or not subject's condition is hereditary.

ADDENDUM: Subject contracted ability to walk through walls after being fed a mixture of banana and carrot. Fled the institute and now seems to have joined the navy under an assumed name. Recommend experiment 41-915-Eta "Bluto" be dispatched on stealth mission to retrieve subject.

*** OBSERVATION TERMINATED ***

updates - features - essays - reviews - comics - games - novels - about - contact - forum - links