1. While dining in a fancy restaurant, the waiter accidentally trails his sleeve in your soup. You respond by:

Politely requesting some more soup
Pretending not to notice
Gunning him down with a burst of 9mm machine gun fire before hosing down the entire room with napalm
Roaring like an enraged gorilla, leaping onto the table and dropping your trousers to the delight and applause of other diners
Invading Poland

2. You open the office photocopier and come across photos of your boss shagging someone who isn't his wife. Do you:

Mind your own business, as you'd expect others to
Blackmail the shit out of him
Throw them on his desk, say "I think you left these in the photocopier", and give him a meaningful look
Blow them up 500 times and plaster them all over Tower Bridge along with the slogan "Look At This, Ha Ha Ha"
Wonder what the hell he was photocopying them for

3. You have been informed by a reliable source that you are going to die in seven days. How would you spend your last week on Earth?

Wrapping up your affairs and spending time with family and friends
Delivering a series of vicious assaults upon authority figures
Ram-raiding small French-style bakeries
Stuffing gelignite under your fingernails, injecting yourself with nitro-glycerin, shoving grenades up your lower colon, and wiring a personal megaton bomb worn around the neck to explode when it detects your heartbeat cease
Paying for sex

4. You call for a pizza, but when it arrives, it is cold and stale and the delivery boy is an enraged wolverine. Do you:

Pay the wolverine and reheat the pizza in the microwave
Refuse to open the door until they get a non-carnivorous animal to deliver the pizza, like an orang-outang or a giraffe
Invite the wolverine inside, as you were preparing to play Bridge with two friends and needed a fourth
Join forces with the wolverine as a buddy cop duo and embark upon a series of hilarious and wacky adventures
Use your webshooters to escape

5. Why did you enjoy Fight Club?

It made you laugh
It had Edward Norton
It was clever
It had Helena Bonham Carter's tits visible at one point
'Cos everyone else did

6. Following an accident involving a garden pond and a thermos flask, you find yourself frozen cryonically. You awaken millions of years later to a howling wasteland where the human race are long extinct and the only living creatures are a race of semi-sentient giant cockroaches. You are:


7. A plane crashes heavily into a meadow beside your house. It is for the most part intact, but may explode at any moment. There are wounded passengers inside. What do you do?

Call the authorities and go back to the TV
Force your way inside in order to drag the wounded out of danger
Force your way inside because, hey, you've never seen the interior of a crashed plane before
Force your way inside and put on an entertaining puppet show for the survivors with the entrails of the dead
Erect stadium seating

8. The universe has come to an end and, having been safely sealed inside a temporal bubble, you are the only thing that survived. You must now face spending the rest of eternity alone in total blackness. How do you pass the time?

Remembering how cool the universe was while it lasted
Learning astral projection
Trying to remember the names of all the James Bond films
Making up dirty limericks
Picking your nose

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