for a horror film, of course, and very good if
you're sexually attracted to uvulas, but it is
possible to go too far. Take this film for
instance. The characters scream so often I found
myself playing 'guess who lost their voice during
the production of this film first'.
anyway, here we are with Day of the Dead, not to
be confused with Day of the Dead, the second
sequel to George Romero's classic Night of the
Living Dead, this is the second sequel to Clive
Barker's classic Candyman (Apparently it's not
trendy to put numbers after sequel names
anymore), about a ghost of a black slave who
appears and kills people if you look into a
mirror and say his name five times.
often wondered how that works. Could you
conceivably say Candyman into a mirror four
times, then go out with your mates, have a drink
and a laugh, catch a movie, come home, THEN say
Candyman one more time into the mirror? Would
that still work? Or if you happened to have a
conversation with someone wearing mirrored
sunglasses about the Candyman in which his name
happened to crop up on your part five times,
would that still make you eligible for the chop?
If so, I really think there should be some kind
of appeals process.
Ha ha! You said my name five times! Now I get to
kill you with this hook!
VICTIM: What? No, I was talking about Candy
Manfield, this stripper I know, while looking at
this highly reflective hacksaw blade.
CANDYMAN: Oh, sorry. Can I gut you anyway?
VICTIM: Well, I dunno -
CANDYMAN: Aw, pleeeease? I do so love the
VICTIM: Oh, alright, you can gut this goldfish.
CANDYMAN: Thanks, buddy.
whatever. Now, a word on the special effects make
up in this film. The word is 'crap'. I'm not
kidding, the Candyman's hook just looks so
stupid. He looks like a man with his arm up his
sleeve holding onto a prosthetic stump with a
hook coming out (curiously enough). And when
certain characters are supposed to be being stung
to death by bees, they look more like someone's
glued raisins all over their skin. Although kudos
to the animal trainers for getting all those bees
to do what they want.
heroine of this film is the daughter of the
heroine from the previous film, and she's a cute
blonde. As was her mother. As was the chick from
the first film. The most interesting features
about this film's main chick number but two - and
they're both on her chest. I'm not even kidding.
I'm a sensitive kind of New Man guy who's not
known to stare at girls' titties but I just
couldn't ignore these ones! They're ridiculous,
they're just so horribly big I kept getting poked
in the eye when trying to watch this film.
Enormous great melon-sized hooters with nipples
like licorice allsorts is the point I'm trying to
get across here.
I mention she's also blonde?
blonde girl with huge tits (they scared me more
than anything else in this film, I tell you that
for nowt) is making a living as an artist in the
Hispanic quarter of Los Angeles, I know this
because I read it off the back of the video box.
She also shares an apartment with a sassy black
chick. Didn't the heroine from the first film
share an apartment with a sassy black chick? Yes,
I believe she did, and both sassy black chicks
receive hooks through the spine. Shame on you,
Todd, who obviously has nothing better to do with
his time than appear in straight-to-video poo
like this, reprises his role as the Candyman,
Daniel Roba-something, who was a black slave
artist bloke who was killed by a lynch mob after
putting it about where he shouldn't. His hate and
anger brought him back from the dead, as anger
has been known to do (see pretty much every other
film I've reviewed), and now he preys upon people
who are stupid enough to summon him by the usual
tried and tested method.
aren't really told at any point how the method of
summoning him was found out, nor by whom, and I'm
not sure I want to know what he or she was trying
to do at the time.
Mr. Roba-whatsit's art is being shown in an
exhibition by some hispanic friend of big-tits
heroine, who pisses her off good and proper by
showcasing it under the 'Candyman' name, when she
thinks his art should be judged by its merits
alone and not by whatever naughtiness he got up
to after death. In vocalising this point hispanic
bloke invites her to debunk the myth and say his
name into a convenient mirror five times. See how
seemlessly they worked all this in?
she rises to the challenge and recites the name,
whereupon another Hispanic bloke smashes the
mirror in from behind with a big hook just to put
the wind up everyone, and is dragged off yelling
about how the Candyman will come and do what he
does best. After the exhibition he reappears to
receive his payment from original Hispanic bloke.
'Twas all a publicity stunt, y'see! And if that's
not a good way to piss off a few restless spirits
I don't know what is!
readers will note that no-one in this film has
actually died yet. Well, just to prove that he's
not a sissy, the real Candyman makes his
appearance at more or less this point to off
Hispanic bloke #1 and his slut girlfriend, who
dies by the raisins-glued-on-skin method while he
gets a nice hook tearing through his chest. How
rude of Candyman not to allow Hispanic bloke #1
(or HB1 as he will now be known) to get his end
away before doing him in. She had gotten right
down to her panties, too.
I'm not sure
what Canadian comedian Ryan Stiles
has to do with this film, but who am I to argue
Google image search?
recurring theme in this film is boobs. We see
boobs of slut girlfriend in this scene, we see
boobs a bit later belonging to the heroine's
mother in the occasional flashback, in fact the
only boobs we do not see, due to the machinations
of some delicious irony, are those of the heroine
herself. Yep, they went to all the trouble of
casting a chick with boobs the size of dustbins
and she never even gets 'em out. I don't know
about you, but I feel betrayed.
discovers bodies of slut and HB1, calls cops, she
tells them what she knows, they tell her that
some gang broke into the gallery and pinched the
Candyman paintings. Now we get introduced to a
pair of wanker crooked cops who are destined to
become evil. This is made clear by them both
being ugly bastards making occasional racist
comments. And just in case that wasn't clear
enough for you, they're laughing and joking about
the stiffs. They both get killed in the end, as
if you didn't know.
hallucinates Candyman asking her to be his victim
so she can be with him and the rest of her family
(I think, it's not really clear) and she teams up
with HB2 (remember, he of the breaky mirrors) to
find the gang that pinched the paintings, 'cos
they think they might have killed HB1 as well.
Candyman gets pissed off, people get killed, blah
de blah de blah. Y'know, I've written loads of
reviews where I give away the entire plot, I
don't think I'll bother today. I've already
written enough about boobs and shite make-up, I
don't need to run off at the mouth with the
entire storyline from beginning to end. Let's go
for the speed version.
I feel quite spent after that. Ratings time, I
in ears rating - 7/10
My fingers found themselves in my
shell-likes on several occasions, but then any
moron can make a film scary.
to last film rating - 8/10
Descendant of the Candyman gets hassled
by same, that's pretty much it.
nekkid and DIE! rating - 9/10
Hell yeah! Everyone who gets their tits
out dies horrible gory bloody hook/bee-related
deaths. Heroine doesn't get her tits out and
survives. Oh, guess that makes sense, then. But
she does get naked for a shower scene at one
point, but you don't see anything. (curses)
and guts rating - 8/10
It's a film about people being stabbed
and shredded and mutilated with a big metal hook.
We're up to our eyeballs in the stuff.
heroes rating - 7/10
Moving up to 10/10 if you really hate
horror movie sequel rating - 8/10
It's a most archetypal horror movie
sequel. It's also ninety minutes of unadulterated
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