never thought it would be possible to make
something out of the Evil Dead franchise that
would so utterly suck the farts out of a fresh
corpse's bum. Even if they made an Evil Dead
Cereal With Deadly Anthrax Virus I'd buy it if it
had Bruce Campbell's marvellous chin on the box.
But I was eating my words on a rice cake when I
was subjected to the monstrosity some people
called 'EVIL DEAD: THE GAME'.
not talking about Hail to the King, which is a
more recent game in which you can play a fully 3D
rendered Ash armed with chainsaw and ...
chainsaw. This is some old C64 game that someone
whose name I have forgotten drew my attention to
some time ago. Sorry to whoever that was. If
you'd like to let me know who you were I will
probably call you a shameless glory-seeker, so I
wouldn't bother if I were you.
it took me about twenty years of playing to
understand the point of this game, so here goes.
The play area is a top-down plan of The House.
You know, the Evil Dead house. From the film. It
has a wobbly white thing on the front porch which
I eventually decided was supposed to represent a
swingy chair. You, the hero, are a little white
man. I didn't see a chin, so I'm not sure if it
was supposed to be Ash or not. Running around the
house are several identical grey men. I don't
know who they're supposed to represent, but when
I twatted one with an axe they exploded and I
lost a lot of energy, so I supposed they were the
lose energy an awful lot in this game. You start
with 1000 energy points, and every time you move
you lose points. I'm serious. Every time an enemy
touches you you lose points at a much faster
rate. There is no way to get the energy back as
far as I can see. I suppose either the entire
cabin is awash with ankle-deep corrosive fluids
(which would certainly explain the way these
people walk) or the character you are playing is
actually a ninety-year-old pensioner with a
serious heart condition (which would also explain
the way these people walk).
The House is also right on top of a magic portal
connected to a dimension of war and pain and
horror, because weapons keep materialising all
over the place for you to trip over. Let's have a
look at some of them.
Look out, evil dead monster things! I'VE GOT
THESE ON MY SIDE! I'm not sure what point they
serve, because I can only use them when a monster
comes right up to me, whereupon I press the fire
button and the monster explodes, but not before
it takes a generous slice from my energy with a
noise like a Geiger counter. Also, the weapons
vaporise after a while, so I guess they come from
a very fickle dimension of war and pain and
horror. A shotgun would be nice, you know. Then I
wouldn't have to wait until the monster is giving
me a friendly cuddle before I make its brains
splat upon the floor a few yards away.
yes, the monsters. At first, it's just you and a
load of grey people wandering around randomly.
Then some cloud of yellow shit which I think is
supposed to represent the point-of-view shot
chasey thing from the films appears and tries to
get inside the house. Fortunately it cannot do
this if you close all the doors and windows, but
you have to run and close them all at the back of
the house, too. While you're doing that your
stupid, stupid, stupid friends are opening all
the doors and windows again to see if the nasty
yellow thing has gone away yet. Generally, it
a nasty yellow thing touches one of your people,
he (because they are all the same, identical man)
transforms into a green thing with a stupid
mohawk haircut that runs after you. Your job at
that point is to twat it over the head with
whatever deathbringer you've been able to pick
up, whereupon it splits apart into a disembodied
torso, disembodied arms and a pair of cheeky
disembodied legs, all of which have to be put
down with more blows from your weapons. And has
been previously mentioned, none of them can be
killed without losing any energy. Eventually, if
you manage to kill all the monsters, having lost
about two of your three lives in the process, you
have the privilege of getting to do it all over
again. Thanks, Mr. Game, but I think I'll stop
playing you now. And then I think I will delete
this file from my hard drive. And then I will
take out my hard drive, spread chunky lime
marmalade on it and throw it in the tumble drier
to destroy the presence of this game forever.
when you die, this happens:
get whisked away to a mysterious dimension of
incredible colour and sensation while you hear a
funny little farting sound. It's like an
incredible acid trip of the Heavens! I don't know
about you, but if I was dim enough to believe
this was really what happens post-mortem, I'll be
hanging myself off a doorknob before you could
say 'My, what a handsome fellow that Yahtzee is'.
Mainly to avoid playing this stupid, ugly,
impossible game again.
in summary, Evil Dead: The Game forever taints
the spirit of the Evil Dead franchise forever.
From now on, as I watch good old Bruce Campbell
swinging his chainsaw hand and pausing to make an
adorable one liner, I will only be able to think
of a funny little white man running around like a
stupid thing being savaged by little yellow
clouds of shit. Thanks a fucking bunch, game.
you want to see what I'm talking about I suppose
they'll have the rom for this game at Lemon 64, but I'd recommend you not
download it expecting an entertaining game,
because that would be like going on holiday to
Auschwitz and expecting the Nazis to put on a
cabaret act during your gassy death.
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